What I used to do

Before I came to India on my first journey I admit I was completely out of Balance. After spending nearly three months in this glorious country I was grounded, I was connected to my truth, I sat in my own power. It was easy to be me because it was now the only truth I knew, so much programming had fallen away in the silence and rekindled joy of my inner child.

It wasn’t easy remaining true in the West nothing felt right any more. So when the opportunity to move to India presented itself as you know, I did just that.

Becoming an Indian Housewife and mother definitely threw me off balance once again, but that is because I stopped being true to me. I disconnected from putting my soulwork first in an effort to be what I thought was wanted of me, in an effort to make sure everyone loved me.

In every situation we find ourselves we are either aligned with higher self or detouring off the path. When we are in alignment everything feels right, there is no struggle, its when we step out of our blue print, deviate off of the path that serves us to one that no longer does we feel discombobulated.

The question I am continuously asked and ask myself is how to get aligned?

Unfortunately there is not one perfect solution, because we are all unique we all need to take different action. I know that may not be what you were hoping to hear but have faith there are modalities that can help you find your truth; meditation in it’s many forms is by far the most effective and a great starting point for anyone at any stage trying to achieve anything.

The rest my friends is divine. When you connect back to yourself through meditation the universe will begin to show you where you need to focus, where you need to put your energy, what the steps are you need to take in order to achieve this oneness with god self most of us are seeking on some level. 

That has been the point of my last few blogs particularly the one where I asked you to commit for one week. Together we discovered answers everywhere, literally everywhere, we just had to open ourselves long enough to listen.

For me the first step in my reconnection was Reflective meditation,

The practice of reflective or analytical meditation is like disciplined thinking: choosing a theme, question, or topic of contemplation we focus our reflection, or analysis, upon it. When our attention wanders to other thoughts, we return to our chosen topic. 
Excerpt taken from "The Five Types of Meditation" outlined by the website self-guided. 

It was a non judgement process where I allowed myself to return to my happiest time, a place where I felt the most at peace, within that were keys, what was I doing in that time and place that I was no longer doing now? The list was surprising large; Meditating, Yoga, Healthy Eating were all areas I was already aware of and making great strides to transform.

But other area's I had all but forgotten about included: Working with minerals and gemstones. Healing with crystals came quite naturally to me and even ironically during a deep clean of our home a few weeks ago I found a bag of stones I had brought from Canada five years ago when I moved here, I think I stopped using them almost immediately. Now they sit in a bowl in kitchen and daily I am getting reacquainted with their energy!


Hugging Trees, my mother always joked about me as a child talking to trees, She'd often find me outside sitting near a tree having a conversation, hugging them became a natural extension of this. I didn't want to draw extra attention to myself in a culture where I already stand out so I stopped doing things that are not with societies 'norm.'

We have a wonderful Ashoka Tree in our courtyard who now receives a hug from not only me each morning but my children who are overjoyed with the experience. Ashoka trees are considered quite auspicious and linked to Hindu History, Ashoka literally means "without sorrow"so fitting,



Dancing, I've been a dancer since childhood, but some how I misconstrued my husbands comments on how Indian women were the best dancers combined with the bombardment of Bollywood actresses like Katrina Kaif on TV dancing in ways I no longer felt capable of doing in a pregnant  Indian housewife state, My love of movement felt frumpy and forged, I no longer felt like a Goddess when I moved in my body, I felt foreign and feared being judged. Sadly to this day my husband has never seen me dance but I am slowly get back my rhythm, and maybe, just maybe,,.



Smiling in this culture can be misinterpreted out the street and I was lectured once for laughing in a busy market because it brought about unwanted stares. I began to stifle my laughter.

Fortunately with the arrival of two goofball children the laughs in our world have expanded and I'm trying now to make a point at laughing about the things that can be frustrating. I mentioned the anger I was feeling in a previous blog, it wasn't serving me but the laughter certainly does and helps to transmute those unwanted emotions. Laughter truly is the best therapy!



I realized I gave up a lot of my confidence going anywhere by myself and being completely fearless
living in a culture that holds women in their arms for safety I began to feed into the vibration
plus as most mothers will tell you the world can start to feel a little scary when you have a child, like a Mama Lion you are now more aware of dangers that could potentially lurk around the corner. In an effort to transmute this I've been heading out more frequently alone, my husband fully supports this which is lucky really because my Indian sister in laws do not leave the home unaccompanied and while my mother and father in law are not crazy about it they do understand and are getting more comfortable with it,

Next in my journey I'm going to revisit my bucket list, you know the things you'd like to experience before you "kick the bucket". Something I actually began creating in my teens and updated frequently but like everything I've talked about in this post something I haven't looked at in five years!

Time to connect back to the part of me that longs for experiences in this world and set some intentions for the future, care to join me in compiling a list? I'd love for you to share the inspiration...

In love and light beautiful souls

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Admittedly I felt special

I've been quiet for sometime now, in fact I've attempted to write a few times but have been sidetracked by a lack of knowing what to say but I think you've gotten used to that now.

In truth I've been contemplating a farewell blog.

I've struggled for sometime with the content and direction of this blog. I joined a number of blogger support groups but that kinda backfired, I joined for inspiration what I got instead was the realization that there are so many people writing about their relationships with Indian men, their lives here in India with far more response and even making some good coin doing so it actually left me feeling more depleted.

When I began this adventure and my zest for sharing it there were only a couple of us writing on the subject, I felt I was offering something unique. Admittedly I felt special. But after reading so many great stories that I felt often explained my life quite unfiltered and eloquently I was even more done with the whole blogging sphere. Not to mention the amount of not for me bloggers that appeared to have huge followings despite their lack of proper grammer, spelling grievances and little to no maturity or depth in writing. I seriously couldn't help but question wth?

But life (the Universe/God) has a way of keeping you aligned with your highest truth and just as I was to say goodbye and put pen to paper so to speak I received a couple of impromptu messages from new fans. One confided she stayed up half the night despite being a new Mom and in desperate need of sleep because she felt I was speaking directly to her, that I had written for her to help ease all of her fears, to console all of her woes, to lift her spirits surrounding her new found intercultural life and spiritual awakening.

So here I am once again, rekindled to share my world via this blog. I had to go back to the beginning and read some of my own story and remember why I began blogging. It was for her, for you. If just one person finds an inkling of comfort in my words (other then my beloved Grandmother) then I am serving a higher source.

Now that I'm finally able to let go of my ego's grip on why I've been blogging I'm able to find inspiration from the beautiful souls in my blogging network, because of them I'm going to be less filtered, to continue to be truthful even if it's ugly and not to worry about my numbers, I'm not doing this as a "living" or a business like many of them I'm doing this because writing for me is therapeutic. 

Mine continues to be a spiritual journey, an awakening, an aligning. And just like my blogging I fell off that path so to speak. I was less committed to me and more committed to being a Mom, I was less committed to me and more committed to being a good "Indian" housewife. I was less committed to me and more committed to being an accepted bahu (Indian daughter in law) but after a rather long intense dark night of the soul I'm ready to commit back to being me. Just me, unfiltered and imperfect. A simple Canadian girl still trying to find balance in the chaos of India, throw in the dynamics of joint family life and two toddlers that sway back and forth between terrorists and starseed I hope it continues to inspire you.

I'll keep sharing my world with you and I hope you'll stay on board for the ride. I can't promise much and I have no direction where this will go, no agenda as to what this blog will be about and no schedule for my posts. My life is filled with many roles all of which are part of my spiritual (mis)adventures the only guarantee I can make is I'll blog when I can about whatever I think you may enjoying hearing about. The same commitment I made in the beginning.

If you'd like me to talk more about my dark night of the soul experience let me know, I've been in touch with many folks on a spiritual journey who have been going through similar experiences this year, if you'd be interested in sharing your story I'd LOVE to feature it along with mine...

In light and love,
~ Radhika

Wednesday's Wisdom

Wednesday's Wisdom

I am as guilty as the next person getting caught up in the day to day goings on of life and not cultivating the time to do what my soul aches to do.

Why is it we often forgo doing that which is good for our soul?

Why do we put it off until we are on vacation,  have alone time, less work or a different living condition, etc.?

I haven't been able to figure out the answers to the questions I've posed, perhaps its conditioning, or it somehow feels easier to go against what feels great. Maybe we feel it needs to be saved as a reward for our hard work. Whatever the reason I am vowing from this point forward to do more of what feels good for my soul! 

Doing what is good for our soul, in my humble opinion is the purpose of our existence. It is why we are here, to enjoy and connect to that authentic part of ourselves that comes alive when take the time to listen to our soul prompts.

I'm going to share my experience on my facebook page and twitter account with the hashtag #goodforthesoul I hope you will too, perhaps we can inspire one another!

Will you join me in this mission!?

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A list of things I love about living in India...7 Health Care

When compiling this list some of the things that came to mind were actually quite surprising, in this case number seven might even bewilder some of you.

Health Care

It shouldn't be a shock considering some of the best doctors we have in North America are of Indian decent. I'll admit it was overwhelming to me the first time I went to the doctor here in my Holy town; the line ups, lack of scheduled appointments, crowd of other patients in the examination room, others attempting to peek in past the curtain awaiting their turn, it seemed like chaos as I waited for them to call my number, on the verge of tears I was ready to run back to Canada.



Then I met the doctor, I was there because I was pregnant and had been suffering with loose motion for four days. She was quick to assess, checking only my eyes and tongue then writing her prescription. There were five items, I was kinda pissed, worse then my Canadian doctor who thinks antibiotics is a cure for hunger!

I refused to allow my husband to purchase any of the medicines until I did some research online. Turned out she had only prescribed one "medicine" similar to a pepto bismal, other four were an Iron, B12, Folic Acid combination for my pregnancy, as well as a protein powder supplement, we are vegetarians and this would be a normal suggestion among most medical professionals. Electrolytes to keep me from dehydrating and acidophilus which was to help the good bacteria in my system. Having relied heavily on naturopaths in Canada I was thrilled to meet a Medical Doctor who apparently understood healing with nutrition! Because of my experience I chose to have her deliver my second child in India and she delivered via c-section in less than 20 minutes.

While my encounters with Indian doctors have been positive I have butted heads. One of my first trips to India left me feeling quite ill after a few weeks of being here. For two weeks I battled loose motion then developed a cough and cold. I was doing an Ayurvedic course and after two weeks of being ill, but still in great spirits I might add, the doctor looked me in the eye and said "it's all in your head."  How dare he, I cried in my room. I was doing everything I was told, eating the right foods, resting during the prescribed time, enduring the treatments, I didn't know why I wasn't getting better but I sure as hell knew it wasn't in my head!

Years later and living in this culture I get it. The doctors and my husband have taught me about honoring my body but not agonizing in it. Nobody believes that laying around feeling sorry, telling yourself over and over again how sick you are is going to help you feel better. You need to focus your mind on feeling good, I don't always succeed at this but I'm getting better.  They believe the best medicine is sunshine, it's key to a healthy body, along with fresh home cooked foods and lots of warm water. That topped with what my Mom always taught me; let a fever run its course, do not to push yourself especially when your sick, don't feel guilty if you don't "get it all done today" and always find time for naps :)

I've always said finding a balance between east and west would make for a perfect life, and this is what I've been striving for since my move to India and while my health is still not where I'd like it to be, it is heading in the right direction!


More to come in this series, and I'd love to hear from you what you love about the place you live?

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Bhakti the path of love...

"During a certain phase of the journey, we are not open to understanding the parts of ourselves that play against our own happiness. We are not really willing to get to know ourselves - we just want to get rid of our symptoms that bring suffering. In this phase, prayer and devotion are like a bargain that we use because they meet our needs, It is natural to start off like this, but at some point we must let go of this bargaining in order to continue along the path of love, Devotion is not meant as an occasional practice; only when it is firm and steady can it lead us to the experience of oneness. what builds this steadiness is self-awareness" ~ Sri Prem Baba

I started the Bhakti portion of this Yoga Challenge at one of my favorite temples here in my sacred town. It is my intention to engage in some form of prayer, worship everyday for a minimum of thirty days, but if the results are anything like the rest of this practice it will become as much as part of my world as eating food and drinking water.

"When speaking of Bhakti we could be referring to an emotion, a practice, a school of philosophical thought, a popular movement, or state of consciousness. The common thread that connects all of these uses of term is its relation to the souls dormant love for God that is seen as the very essence of our being. The idea that the very purpose of human life is uncovering that essence is found throughout the worlds spiritual traditions" ~ Radhanath Swami

For me it is a a bit of a step back, back to the source of my love for this quaint little town. This temple is where I was introduced to my first Hindu God. I live in the town where Krishna was born. He is known throughout Hinduism as the ultimate enjoyer. The lover of love, silly and carefree, strong and bold but the core of my learning in relation to this being is the purpose to life is to enjoy, to enjoy every moment of every day and in truth isn't that what we all are really craving?

Day 27 through 30 of my Challenge - the next phase...

People who love drama don't give up easy, they don't like to go away without a fight and often will do what they can to create it, turns out this is just as much me as anyone else I've been trying to blame. 

Some of us are just dramatic people and little things can be made into big things. But see I'm as paradoxical as the country of India I presently call home. More often than not the big things that the masses would stress about seem to leave me tension free, i.e. loosing a job, death of a loved one, these things are life to me and I'm able to concentrate on the adventure that can come about when nothing is sure or live in the sweet memories of a departed loved one instead of questioning why. 

Even more interestingly is how negative I can be at times yet I'm consistently optimistic.

What I have discovered during this challenge over the last thirty days is a deeper sense of self, I have come to terms with my negative tendencies and am now conscious of this victim mentality I have adopted that unfortunately flows through the rivers of womanhood here in India. But in true paradoxical form its also where Goddess is re-emerging, where I have also encountered some of the strongest women I know. Where the simple act of motherhood and being a doting wife is revered among sisters and society. Its a step back in time and into the future with the same footing.

I realized I may have pushed my sense of self downward a little while trying to conform to an idea of what I am supposed to be like while living in traditional Indian culture. Part of me had been missing but I understand it has all been a choice and feelings of resentment towards this way of life that one day can feel like a gift and another feel like a prison have to be resolved. When you make a choice you must be willing to live with the consequences or simply make another choice and the truth is when I'm connected to my authentic truth, when I'm Reposing or on my Yoga mat my heart is singing with the gifts that are around me, with this beautiful world I have created. 

During this challenge some the darkest parts of me came forward for cleansing and I'd like to say now I'm perfectly peaceful but that is not the case. I am however aware of my tendencies to get overwhelmed when I don't take a minute to center (or seven in Repose), how irritable I get when I don't eat well or drink enough water. How it is okay to ask for help and it's also okay if I don't get it in the form I had envisioned.

There is a difference between knowing the path and walking the path

I want to keep walking this path and my intention is to continue to Repose and find time on my Yoga mat each day but I know it's also time to add another element. Tomorrow I begin work on my Bhakti path, which is the path of love and devotion. The obvious path in this Holy town I live in that is world renown for its Bhakti lifestyle. I will be visiting temples as often as possible and getting deeper in touch with divine part of my being and my version of source energy. I hope you'll stay tuned...

Day Twenty Three through Twenty Six of my Challenge ~ My Guru

Yesterday marked a turning point for me. It seems I've been drawing light into the darkest recesses of my being which is the point of this challenge but its hard to face the dark and my ego desperately wants to engage with those around me.

I was feeling depleted and weakened by the events around me which I don't really want to get into because they do not have a real baring on what my journey is, just know that I felt like I have been under constant verbal attack, like somehow I was not enough, I felt beaten down at times and questioned how much more I could withstand. Even with the knowledge that is was my own lack of self worth being directed at me I still couldn't stop my mind from dwelling in victim mode, I wondered how much longer I could tolerate this emotional roller coaster I seemed to be riding and then like magic this little gem showed up

This simple yet profound statement is everything I have been eluding to, everything I have understood intellectually but somehow didn't comprehend. Over the years I have been able to cultivate this when dealing with acquaintances but for the very first time it resonated as my core truth when dealing with loved ones.

I was able to look at the perceived tormentor, my beloved and see with compassion that it was not my insecurities but perhaps his own. I was able to listen without allowing the words to settle in my skin, they did not weigh down my heart and only entered one ear and quickly exited the other. In that moment I understood that everything I have been praying for is right in front of me. One cannot find inner peace without dealing with all of their *hit first.

There is absolutely no anger, no resentment and certainly no belief that anyone else's words hold my truth. The recognition that the teacher, mentor I've been searching for is all around me. Living in a Holy Town in India I often get asked who my Guru is and my response is always the same; "God is my guru, my husband is my guru, my children are my gurus, the beautiful masters the divine leads me to are my gurus, the sweet souls I encounter are my gurus, everything is my Guru." Finally, finally they are not just words. From the deepest part of me, from my core I can feel myself surrendering to life...my Guru.

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Day twenty one and twenty two of my Challenge ~ The Goddess in Me

I've realized I have created a bit of undue stress in my life with this blog, trying to get something posted every day has led me to being short with the kids when I'm trying to concentrate on writing, it's led my mind to wander while in Repose or on my Yoga mat and offered me a distraction from the very thing I am trying accomplish, presence and inner peace.

I haven't touched my novel in well over a year now and for the second time since being prompted to write a book the universe has dropped an editor in my lap who is patiently awaiting my draft. I'm learning priorities and coming to terms with a self induced laziness that seems to accompany my Indian housewife friends and family. We work hard cooking and cleaning but spend the free time of of day watching serials (soap operas) or scanning the internet and while I'm honoring my role as a stay at home Mom I must continue to manifest more for this life.

While manifesting is an important part creating the life we dream of I'm still catching myself in thinking about whats next instead of being here now. In fact I just ate a late night dinner while editing this post, so not how I want to live this precious gift of life. That being said no need to worry I'll still keep blogging, I love sharing my world with you but I have decided I'm only going to post two days a week and I'm asking for those of you who have still not subscribed to my blog to please do so. You'll help my numbers which will bring advertisers and higher stats on google. More importantly you won't miss out on my intended Wednesday and Saturday posts. There may be more here and there but I have to focus on doing more of what I'm writing about instead of focusing on turning all of my doings into writing.

Maybe just maybe I'm getting somewhere with this challenge, despite the fact that once again I'm riddled with aches and pains, feel like I'm fighting yet another cold and can't seem to get a good nights sleep! That plus every time I get dressed somehow I manage to put my clothes on backwards, what is up with that?

My friends have left but not before we enjoyed an evening at Vashino Devi Complex it is eleven acres of Goddess enchantment! Goddfess seems to be a recurring theme in my world right now. As if an awakening is happening not just for me but for many women and men, even earth herself. It was actually my first time inside the ashram and grounds and I loved sharing the experience with a fellow Canadian also on her path of invoking Goddess energy into her world.

As I stood underneath the gigantic statue of one of the forms of Goddess Durga I  thought about why I along with most women have somehow believed we are not enough when the very opposite is true. I could feel my inner Goddess vibrating, my heart pounded a rhythmic beat and I wanted to roar like the Lion she was sitting on. Being a woman is power, we are Shakti! Shakti is feminine energy, the word is Sanskrit which is one of the very first languages on earth and it literally translates to "to be able" "power" and "empowerment." If we find a way to connect to our feminine roots we can begin to understand that we are way more than enough, we have so much potential running through our bodies, emanating from our souls.

How have we gotten so far removed from our divine feminine roots? I'm asking the universe (God, Source...) to please direct me in connecting back to it at once!

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Day Twenty of my challenge ~ Slipping deeper into the Now

The weather is beautiful here in our Holy town in India right now, a sweater and socks in the mornings and at night but the days are glorious, not to hot not to cold, just perfect. So I decided fresh air was the order of the day and took my friends to the Holy River Yamuna, as long as I didn't touch her or partake in any ceremonies it was fine. Yamuna Ji is a slow flowing river that brings with her a calm that one must experience, there are not enough words to describe the peace that fills your entire being while seated on her banks.



The place is littered with the monkey mafia but even these pesky creatures are calmer when in her presence.

I breathed in her essence and thought about how she was in no rush to get anywhere, just gracefully flowing by. It was a dawning of sorts, I'm not one who spends to much time in the past but I often catch myself in the future focusing on what else needs to be done or wondering what adventure will come next and this my friends keeps me from the very thing I am seeking; presence. Being present, exactly where I am, centered in the beautiful moment, which is the only time that exists, I felt myself slip deeper into the now.

We strolled along her banks and up to my Spiritual Guesthouse where construction is still underway, the walk through the 'old' section of town is equivalent to walking back in time, not much has changed, the ancient buildings remain intact and the limited construction that is occurring appears to be in line with our goal to restore Vrindavan to its ancient glory.





We sat and enjoyed Chai at one of the stalls along our stroll and began feeding a beautiful cow. I've mentioned before Cows are considered sacred in India, they are our second mother, meaning we go from our mothers breast to cows milk, therefore she should be revered at Jai Ma (male cows are revered for their hard work in the fields like our fathers.)

We were enjoying her company when I thought for a moment about my Indian sister in laws and how they avoid cows like a plague, then I had a fleeting thought that this one could head butt me. My friend seated across from me asked me to lean in for a picture with the cow, who must have heard her and swung her head towards mine sure enough head butting me.

I was stunned, it didn't really hurt it was more of a tap than an actual head butt, I'm not sure she intended to actually clunk my head but it left me questioning why? Why after all this time and all the love encounters I've had with cows did I get clunked. thus instilling some fear? If there is meaning in everything surely there is in this encounter.

My only conclusion is intuition, while I consider myself to be a pretty good energy reader and have kept myself out of trouble by honoring those warning signals from my intuition this time I didn't listen because it didn't come from my gut, it was a fleeting thought.

Is it possible intuition can be that subtle when it cautions a non traumatic event? Just a fleeting thought of caution? Then I'm left wondering how does one then decipher between the warning signs of intuition and just plain old fear?

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Day Nineteen of my Challenge - put to the test

Presence, what does that mean?
For me it means being fully aware and engaged in whatever it is I am doing.

We live in a day in age when multitasking is all the rage, the more we can get done in a single moment the more effective we are, but for who?

Does any one task truly get the presence of mind it deserves?

I used to get frustrated with my husband because he is not a multitasker, he would get frustrated with me because I wouldn't do something "with mind" as he called it. Together we are finding balance.

When we are present in whatever we are engaged in our whole being is there, we are not thinking about what else has to be done through the day. We are not replaying what has already occurred this week, we are simply being. Now yes one can consciously choose to spend  time reflecting on past events, or planning what we'd like to accomplish in what time period but we must be aware of where our thoughts are at all times, this for me is presence.

I'm just as guilty as the next gal, I often catch myself writing this blog while I'm cooking dinner or thinking about my next status update while I'm reading posts from friends. Catching your thoughts or rather letting your thoughts go is surrender. Surrendering to what is, without trying to escape from the reality you've created around you and embracing all that life is the presence I'm cultivating with this challenge.

Today I was tested in surrender, firstly it marked the beginning of that lovely time of month we women share, I don't usually blog about menstruation but trust me I bring it up because it will be relevant. I decided to do an online yoga class geared at honoring the menstrual cycle and was half way through the VERY relaxing practice when my phone rang, the kids were sleeping so I jumped up to answer it, hubby informed me that my friends were here. "What?" I stammered...

I had been chatting with a friend who was in Delhi on vacation and hoping to make the trek to our auspicious town but her husband had been under the weather and they were beginning to run short on time. She mentioned that today was the day they would like to arrive but I didn't hear from her so I assumed her hubby was still not feeling up to travelling. Low and behold here they were in our Holy Town searching for us, she couldn't get through on my phone and I wasn't receiving her messages on social media.

For a second I panic'd, what was I going to do with them? Now that my monthly visitor had arrived it wasn't like I could take them to any of the five thousand temples our town in known for. I have mentioned numerous times that we live in a Holy Town here in India and with that comes certain rules; like not entering any sacred site while menstruating.

I can hear you now echoing my same questions years ago "who is going to know?" "will someone be checking you before you enter a temple?" and the answer is no, no one will check and I, along with my husband, would be the only ones to know. I recently caught myself arguing "explain to me why?" No one has a clear answer, its just not considered clean. Again the feminist in me bangs her head against the wall. this mentality from ancient times sure I can understand but nowadays we have extra absorbency pads and even better tampons or Devi cups. I'd still like to know what makes us women impure during this time so please enlighten me if you know.

In the meantime I choose to surrender. I chatted with my friend over chai and explained the situation, she too being married to an Indian and living in 'Westernized' India six month out of the year said it probably wouldn't stop her but respected my decision. We discussed many "rules" while she was here that I abide by, "How do you do it? How do you handle being told you can't do something?" she asked with genuine curiosity. I explained I'm the one that made the choice to live in a foreign culture, one that came with rules and restrictions. I can't expect it to change just because I'm here and would like it a certain way. I made the choice so I have to accept what is the reality around me. I bend rules where I can, I get away with a lot more than my Indian sister in laws but some rules no matter how absurd they may seem, have meaning, and if they mean something to my husband my love for him allows me to just follow it. Does it hurt me to not go to temple for a few days out of each month? No not at all, so why fight it? There are so many wonderful things to focus on about my life here getting caught up in the restrictions are not worth my time.

Its probably a good thing I didn't know she was coming I would have stressed not knowing how to entertain someone in my Bhakti town, but we had a blast, We went to Prem Mandir which my hubby and I lovingly refer to as the Vegas of Vrindavan with its lights and water show. With so much to see and do outside of worship it was a perfect evening. We were able to sit outside enjoying the sights and sounds of the grounds,  my three year old guided them inside the temple for Darshan (prayers), we ate great food and laughed loudly.  It really is a spectacle and my friends loved every inch of it! I was there, not worried about what will do tomorrow, trusting it will reveal itself when the moment arrives, for now I'm basking in the ability to surrender and gratitude for the lesson of day.

Day Seventeen and Eighteen of my Challenge

The last two days of my challenge have been pretty awesome. I'm finding more flexibility on my mat, I am sleeping hard and not needing a nap with the babies during the day, Repose has been giving me the boost I need in the afternoon, everything seems a little calmer around me.

That being said last night I had a bit of a nightmare. First let me start by telling you I'm a vivid dreamer and have even accomplished a bit of lucid dreaming (taking control of dreams and consciously directing them, but that is rare). Dreams have hidden messages and usually have a way of showing us what needs to addressed in our world. Personally I have learnt great insights from them.

In last nights dream I was being held captive along with my children, there was no husband acknowledged in this dream. The children were to be released to my mother but I had to say good bye to them knowing I would be killed. I was crying but trying desperately not to alarm the kids, I was telling my son to be good to his sister and to always look out for her and take care of her. When the children were safe with my Mother I made my escape I could here my mother saying "I told you to stay put help is coming." Explaining to her "When there is an opportunity you have to take it and I can't wait hoping someone will save me," I ran with ease in and out of buildings, up and down stairs, through the night and into a foggy morning, I found myself at the beach. The 'bad guys' were still chasing me but I found a place to hide. I was scared but deep down I knew I was safe. They weren't going to be able to take me away, soon the sun would be out and I'd be reunited with my children, I laid hidden under blankets and tarps and just kept picturing my kids running towards me arms open, I could feel the joy the moment would bring.

When I woke this morning I held my sleeping babies and cried a little, the feeling of being kept apart from them was still a little raw, my husband bundled us all in his arms like a safe haven. The dream interprets itself I think and as I shared it the deep realization that its only my own lack of presence that keeps me from enjoying every single moment with these precious starseeds.

Ultimately that is what this challenge means to me. I want more presence in my world, presence equals vitality, equals time, equals love.

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Day Sixteen of my Challenge -

I am starting to feel a lot better, physically at least! I found another nice restorative yoga session online which seemed to bring some prana (life force) back to my body. I also did a meditation to OM being chanted this morning. It is one of my favorite pieces of sacred music to listen to, I find it so grounding and uplifting at the same time. OM is believed to be the divine vibration that started the earth (my Christian friends think of "let their be light") it said that we all, everything on Earth vibrates at the frequency of OM. The recorded healing properties associated with this auspicious chant are countless. I can't help but think what took me me so long to get back to it?

Along with some very nice words of encouragement from a number of you, a dear childhood friend sent me a link to this song with a note "this song always makes me think of you. Not sure if it's because you're one of the strongest and bravest people I know or if I imagine you saying this to me...wither way I wanted to share."

The kids and I have been listening to it all day, I think it has become a sort of anthem for my life and this challenge. It is taking courage to continue with this challenge, there are days I'd prefer to just crawl into a hole and hide but there is no turning back now and I'm grateful I've made myself accountable to you, its partly what keeps me going. Being accountable combined with the tastes of pure bliss and knowing the vitality I am capable of. Longing for the place of pure love we are made of, our natural state, and I personally will stop at nothing to achieve it again.

Sometimes we have to dissolve into the darkness, nothingness, sometimes our hearts have to break over and over again to let the light in, sometimes we have to get sick to appreciate our health. The beauty is rejoicing in the human-ness of it all.

But mostly we need to remember how big our brave is!

Day Thirteen through Fifteen of my Challenge

I haven't posted in three days because I haven't been feeling great, I came down with a nasty cough and cold. I did manage to lay in corpse pose and even got my feet up the wall, I'm going to count it as Yoga since it was even hard to accomplish Repose. All I wanted to do was curl up in fetal position and had to literally force myself to lay on my back with my arms and legs open, it was actually painful!

I'm not surprised that I've gotten sick during this challenge, my family here says its from the change in weather which I'm sure has played its part but the reality is this challenge can be exhausting. Its a fight with the ego, some say that is the bloodiest war any human can engage in. In order to get to the truth we must break down the walls ego has built around us and listen to the whisper of our heart. Facing ones soul is not the easiest task to undertake.

I find myself often head swirling caught up in a web of confusion, trying to decipher what is truth and what is fiction. Telling myself to simply be and let it unfold around me but anyone who has ever attempted this work will understand that is not always easy. I continue to drum up not so pleasant experiences and can't for a life of me understand why these manifestations of ugliness persist and at what point I will be able to find the warmth of inner peace even when the winds blow cold and hard against me.

See that is it one of the key lessons for me thus far; it is so easy to be Shanti when everyone around me is happy but as soon as the wind picks up and energies around me become agitated I begin to feed off of them and all footing is lost.

Remaining rooted during a hurricane is how the tree survives but trying to find time or ways to ground myself while nursing a cold and taking care of toddlers is a bit more than this Intercultural Mama has time for. My hubby holds me in his arms at night wincing with each coughing fit, holding me tighter as my body shivers despite the fever but in the morning like most stay at home moms from any country the household work needs a doin'. It seems like the more I ask for help the less help I receive and not out of anything other than divine intervention. Hubby will get a phone call from someone and have to leave immediately for a work related situation, which means I'm on my own. Two toddlers, also fighting the same bug I have, who need to be bathed, fed, entertained and cuddled. They would lay down for their nap and I'd crawl onto the bed laying my head on the pillow sleep just about to set in when someone would bang on my door for whatever reason. I'd deal with what needed to be dealt with and join the babies again to have the phone ring, it was ongoing.

I'd lay down and ponder the lesson I was to learn from this illness which of course kept me in cycle of thought which is not where rest exists, urg! This challenge and growing consciousness is not easy indeed. But at some point I have to stop trying to figure it all out, stop trying to make sense of anything and trust, trust that even with all my aches and pains it is so worth it!

Day Twelve of my Challenge - Feeling picked on

I can sometimes feel picked on living here in India, it actually seems to a theme among masala bloggers of late. Masala refers to those of us who are not from India but married to Indians, Masala translates to "blend of spices" and I have recently connected with an entire community online, it has been a blessing being able to share with these beautiful ladies. The majority live in their home countries but still face inter cultural struggles and parenting issues, its nice to have these women to share experiences and garner advice from.

One of my dear friends Madh Mama described her experience "It is hard when people constantly pick you apart and talk about you when you're right in front of them. When they comment on your dress, appearance, your movements, what you're eating, and your facial expressions. At times, I feel as if I'm the lone fish in an aquarium."  

It is the Indian way, they do it to one another and they really take pleasure in doing it to a Westerner, they don't mean harm by it, it's just in their nature. After years of this bothering me this week, because of this challenge, I've been able to witness words more instead of allowing them to get under my skin. If the words are being said to me they are a reflection of a belief I still hold, my lack of self worth being vocalized so I may continue to build esteem. I once read, and I'm paraphrasing, that you must believe in yourself so strongly that if someone says something to you that could be perceived as negative, you would look at them like they were crazy and you'd have absolutely no idea what was coming out of their mouth because it wasn't true.

Every comment in the last few years has felt like an attack, that somehow I'm not enough. Nobody has ever said that to me but my ego would love to have me believe it. Most self esteem issues begin in childhood during development, at some point we begin to compare ourselves to everyone and everything we see around us, so many factors come into play and I'm not sure at what point my self worth leveled off or sunk but I feel so grateful for all of these lessons in light during this challenge. The awakening in my mind, the opening in my heart and shift in my soul is tangible.

I'm giving some thought to this and would love to know what you would say!

Day Eleven of my Challenge - As promised more on one of my favorite Festivals we celebrated

After pondering yesterdays blog I think I've come to the conclusion that the universe delivers us situations based on our thoughts and beliefs about ourselves and life. One can say "fate" delivers us opportunities, what we do with these chances that are offered determines our destiny. Which is always changing depending on our choices, our thoughts and our actions (or sometimes non action.)

So yes God has us exactly where we are supposed to be, surrounded by the people and circumstances that will give us the deepest reflection of our truth. The more we resist what is the longer it will stick around (good or bad). We must learn to accept what is, knowing it is for our highest good (which like a loving parent is the only thing the all loving universe wanst for us) so really it is about surrendering to what is so we can manifest what will be!

As promised I will tell you about one of my favorite Indian Festivals we celebrated a few weeks ago, it's called Bhaiya Dooj (or Bhai Doj)

"Nowhere is the bond of brotherly-sisterly love glorified with such grandeur as in India"

Sisters visit their brothers home and in a ceremony they put an auspicious mark called a tilak on the forehead of their brother, this is a mark of love and protection, they then perform aarti of him (a worship) by lighting sacred fire also known as holy flame, then they give their brothers a coconut which is considered God's Fruit. Sisters in turn are lavished with gifts and blessings from their brothers

My husband has two sisters both of which came and spent the day at our home. My son has six sisters and my daughter nine brothers, it made for a wonderful day filled with laughter and love.

These are some of the sweetest pictures of my children during the ceremonies.

My absolute favorite photo is this one of my son touching the feet of my daughter asking for blessings

There are few more festivals we celebrated that I will discuss further in future blogs for now I must Repose...

Day Ten of my Challenge ~ everything and everyone around us is a direct reflection of ourselves

It is taught by many spiritual teachers that everything and everyone around us is a direct reflection of ourselves. Those negative people in our world that are making us crazy are in some way a part of our own inner turmoil. This was a rude awakening for me, I feel as though I've been dealing with more negativity coming at me than ever in my life over the last few months, and to ascertain that it was somehow me, well that was a hard pill to swallow, before this challenge that is.

If someone says something to you that you perceive as negative or hurtful than there is some part of you that believes their words to be true, according to the teachings of Bashar. Negative people are simply your own lack of self worth being reflected back to you, and they can be seen as a gift instead of a frustration. They show you where you still need to let the light in, where you still need to heal.

Looking at from that perspective has allowed me to be far less reactive to these negative situations and confrontations. In fact it has allowed me to make leaps and bounds in my own quest for inner peace.


And it appears the work is paying off, today everyone around me seemed to be in a wonderful mood. Hubby woke up laughing and dancing around our room with the children, he even took our daughter for the morning after dropping our son off at school so I could have some time to myself! I spent over an hour on my yoga mat doing a Restorative practice I found online. The kids seemed to laugh through the entire day and I found myself with far more patience and a much lighter heart.

During my Repose/meditation sessions I pondered two opposing lessons I've been receiving firstly that God (universe, source...) has us exactly where we are supposed to be. The second is that we are the only ones responsible for manifesting our reality as we know it. That our thoughts and our thoughts alone have created the world we live in.

I'd love your opinions on this.

Day Nine of my Challenge ~ when you don't listen to the signs sometimes the universe makes you listen!

My toe isn't broken but it's black and blue and hurts when moved in certain directions, which ultimately has changed the way I am approaching my yoga mat.

I talked about messages all around us the other day and this is exactly what happens when you don't pay attention! I have randomly been told by various friends and Yogis to go gentle on myself. I have been tagged in posts on social media sights about the importance of being gentle with oneself yet I wasn't listening. I didn't see how it related to me. I never felt I was pushing myself but obviously the universe did, so here I am, looking at my throbbing toe and finally listening.

Fortunately Repose does not require manipulation of the foot in any way, yoga is a different story. Like I said yesterday it's going to take a lot more than an injury to keep me sidelined; Restorative Yoga, Gentle Yoga, Yin Yoga are all similar in nature and obviously where I need to be while on my mat. Today's practice was a half an hour of "feet up the wall."

Did you know spending five minutes in this position is equivalent to a twenty minute nap? The entire practice was amazingly relaxing and rejuvenating but still I admit an hour later I began to feel blah again.




I honored my feeling of lackluster and decided to take a nap with the kids this afternoon, I awoke once again to "The Spider" hanging from my wall. As always my instincts took over and I jumped to my feet (I'm not sure what I would have done if I caught it considering I had nothing in my hands) for those of you who have followed my blog you know she only appears as a message and as my eyes come into full focus she vanishes.

Connection to feminine energy, patience and the weaving of your own destiny, this is the spiders core message, perhaps its time to start manifesting instead of just reflecting...

Wednesdays Wisdom coincides with Day Eight of my Challenge

So today was not a great day, I was just about to get on my yoga mat when hubby came home (at a time he is never home) I became agitated but caught myself rather quickly realizing he didn't do it to anger me.

It got me to thinking very rarely do things happen to us. Things happen yes, we are involved yes but it's only our ego that makes it about us. We can be in control of our perception if we choose to be. Instead of saying "Why Me?" which was my initial reaction I chose to believe that everything was exactly as it should be and although I would never consider myself a control freak, I like most of us, like things to go as planned. My intention was to get on my mat at that moment but when hubby walked through the door everything shifted. I understood I was frustrated because I was no longer in control, I mean yes I could have still done yoga but I don't like an audience. Being able to just flow with it is a core teaching of Yoga. And perhaps this is exactly where my lack of flexibility on the mat, which always surprises me, stems from. I'm not as flexible in life as I'd like to think I am.

Wednesdays Wisdom my friends...

You may be saying well that doesn't sound like so bad of a day and really it wasn't but I should mention the kicker...I think I broke my toe! But don't count this girl out, restorative yoga exists for a reason and this chick isn't giving up that easy!

Day seven ~ Messages are everywhere if we just learn to pay attention

"Loneliness is not the experience of what one lacks, but rather the experience of what one is. In a culture deeply entrenched in the rhetoric of autonomy and rights, the song of God's lonely man so often goes unvoiced and unheeded. It is ironic how much of our freedom we expend on power - on conquering death, disease and decay, all the while concealing from each other our carefully buried loneliness, which if shared would deepen our understanding of each other" ~ from The Philosophical Society

I'm sticking with the loneliness topic today because it is at the core of what I am and have been experiencing for many years and I think misunderstood by so many of you who sent me beautiful words of encouragement. My loneliness stems from something much deeper than a lack of social interactions.

A year or so ago I had a psychic recognize I was feeling lonely, she claimed the loneliness wasn't what I thought, it had nothing to do with people or where I was on this earth that it had to do with missing the realm from which I came. It brought tears to my eyes when she said it, my soul knew it as truth and my body had a physical reaction.

There has been so much written about this loneliness that those of us brave enough to set out on the spiritual path encounter. It usually starts as a feeling of not being fulfilled even when involved in the most loving of relationships. This is because it cannot be resolved by another person! This loneliness is part of the spiritual healing journey, the journey which takes us inside, back to our core, home to our truth. Which is exactly what this challenge is all about.

On another topic I wanted to share with you about receiving messages from animals. I've worked with animal energy for some time, I've known from a very early age animals have important messages for us, this became even more obvious for me once I began spending time with some Shaman and Native friends. If you see, hear, dream of or randomly think about an animal chances are it's trying to give you a message. My rule of thumb was always three, for instance say I'm checking my facebook feed and someone has posted a picture of a Shark. Then later that day Discovery Channel has a shark program on and then the next morning I'm dressing my son and he insists on wearing his "shark shirt" ding ding ding, its time to pay attention.

I'm normally pretty good at picking up the signals but today I realized Tiger energy has been trying to get my attention for a couple of weeks now.

It should have been obvious my son has even been pointing out all of the tigers in our world from Jagran with Goddess Durga to drives in our Holy town when he squealed in delight "tiger Mommy tiger which happened to be Durga once again,

 

There have been numerous movies with Tigers, an awful death at a Delhi zoo that involved a Tiger and even my kids favorite bed time story these days has a Tiger in it. Finally today I was like "duh Tigers" in fact my first shamanic journey to meet my spirit animal I was shocked and in awe when a Tigers image approached.

"In the kingdom of spirit animal, the tiger puts a special emphasis on raw feelings and emotions. The tiger symbolizes primal instincts, unpredictability and ability to trust yourself...it also means that you're overcoming fears and learning how to deal with strong emotions that once felt threatening but are becoming more and more manageable...the dark side of the tiger spirit animal is aggression...keep an eye on possible causes of fear, anger or deep frustration that seem to be escaping your conscious control." The Tigers message also includes a reminder "that persistence is what is necessary in order to attain your goals. Be patient, use tried and true methods, repeat them as necessary, use determination to get there. You will succeed..."

Messages are everywhere if we just learn to pay attention and once again I feel enlivened by the ones I'm receiving. Everything I'm feeling and experiencing is part of this process and to be expected and worked through. I know I'm on the right path and the universe keeps assuring me of this  .

Day Six of my Challenge ~ if you haven't cried on your yoga mat you're not doing it right

Well I slept through the night for the first time in over three years, not only did both kids bless me by not waking one time but I actually slept in until six thirty, I was shocked when I arose and looked at the clock.

I also have more energy today than I've had in a long time. Normally I tackle one cleaning project a day i.e. Monday I wash the floors and walls and clean all the ledges, Tuesday I tackle the bathroom... today not only did I cook and get the kids bathed and my son off to school as per norm, I did the three of my major cleaning projects all before my first cup of chai!

I still got a little cranky this afternoon but not nearly as intense, and the anxiety seems to have subsided now that I'm choosing to feel it more as an excitement over what is about to be unveiled. However I felt something different today as I laid in Repose, a deep rooted sadness, a feeling of pure loneliness, something I'm finally ready to admit I feel quite often. I'd like to blame it on India and the fact that I do not have one single friend in my Holy town but in truth it doesn't matter where I am in this world, I am often accompanied by this sadness.

I believe that God (the universe, source, insert your own label here) has me exactly where I am supposed to be so I can learn the most valuable truths, in this case if you can't be happy alone, with no one or no thing to distract you than you will truly never be happy. More importantly you must become your own best friend, learn to enjoy your own company which I thought I had accomplished. I love spending time in nature alone, going for walks, sitting near a body of water, shopping but all of those things are distraction in a way (yes they can certainly be rejuvenating as well) but right now there is just me, no where to go and no one to go do it with and it's powerful!

I know at least one of my soul contracts is discovering my self worth and that can only come from inside me, I am the only thing that has been and will be constant in this life, everything else is transient. Everything. The lesson I know is I'm truly never alone when I'm connected to my higher self, my authentic truth.

Today I have felt raw. When we begin to calm the mind hidden emotions often arise. Once again I waited until the kids were in bed to do Yoga and tears flowed on my yoga mat, there is a saying if you haven't cried on your yoga mat you're not doing it right. That may sound sad but it is therapeutic, like when I child has a big cry over something then is completely fine because they let out their true raw emotions, they don't bottle one ounce of it. So I allowed myself, without judgement or the need to figure out why I was crying, to sob.

It was blissful like giving myself a BIG hug which a dear friend and Yoga teacher has all of her students do in class and I'm grateful to have remembered her teaching this evening, at the end of my practice I wrapped my arms around myself. Now as I sit writing this I feel slightly more connected, more rooted, my mood is lifting but I'm ready to continue to ride the ebbs and flows...