A list of things I love about life in India...10 Holi

There is so much more going in and around my world that I need to voice so much so that I've actually developed a bit block in my throat chakra!

So I have decided since there is still a lot that I love about India and want to share with you I'm going to continue with this series but I'll only post the series once a week, the intention is the weekend so if you've been following make sure you stop by on Saturday or Sunday each week.

I will also try to get a post in mid week about some of the things that are transpiring in my world but for now the series

Number ten on the list is...

Holi

The "Festival of Colour" or better known in India as the "Festival of Love" now I could generalize and talk about all of the  Festivals, and it's true I love many but Holi by far, is my favorite and something I look forward to every single year!

This picture here on the right is from my very first Holi celebrations five years ago where I played with children in a charity school.





Our auspicious town is quite special this time of year since one of the stories surrounding the origin of Holi explains that Krishna who was darker in colour decided to paint the fair skin of his beloved Radha. He did so in such a loving and joyful manner that everyone wanted to join in on the fun.



So thousands of people flock to our town to partake in the festivities; the crowds walk the streets and attend temples where colour is thrown with wreckless abandon.

It can reach a feverish tone and I for one tend to avoid the crowds now and just play with my family and children in our home and neighborhood. The kids love throwing colour on passerby's and the giggles and shouts of "Holi Hai" can be heard all over.

No one is safe; if you leave your house there will be colour thrown on you, my in laws turn into children on this day and to watch them laugh and enjoy themselves so much makes my heart swell with love.

 My kids are at such fun ages for this festival and were real troopers outlasting some of their older siblings!

Have you celebrated Holi? If so please share with me your experience and if you've never had an opportunity consider joining us here in India next year for this celebration at our Guesthouse!

Day 27 through 30 of my Challenge - the next phase...

People who love drama don't give up easy, they don't like to go away without a fight and often will do what they can to create it, turns out this is just as much me as anyone else I've been trying to blame. 

Some of us are just dramatic people and little things can be made into big things. But see I'm as paradoxical as the country of India I presently call home. More often than not the big things that the masses would stress about seem to leave me tension free, i.e. loosing a job, death of a loved one, these things are life to me and I'm able to concentrate on the adventure that can come about when nothing is sure or live in the sweet memories of a departed loved one instead of questioning why. 

Even more interestingly is how negative I can be at times yet I'm consistently optimistic.

What I have discovered during this challenge over the last thirty days is a deeper sense of self, I have come to terms with my negative tendencies and am now conscious of this victim mentality I have adopted that unfortunately flows through the rivers of womanhood here in India. But in true paradoxical form its also where Goddess is re-emerging, where I have also encountered some of the strongest women I know. Where the simple act of motherhood and being a doting wife is revered among sisters and society. Its a step back in time and into the future with the same footing.

I realized I may have pushed my sense of self downward a little while trying to conform to an idea of what I am supposed to be like while living in traditional Indian culture. Part of me had been missing but I understand it has all been a choice and feelings of resentment towards this way of life that one day can feel like a gift and another feel like a prison have to be resolved. When you make a choice you must be willing to live with the consequences or simply make another choice and the truth is when I'm connected to my authentic truth, when I'm Reposing or on my Yoga mat my heart is singing with the gifts that are around me, with this beautiful world I have created. 

During this challenge some the darkest parts of me came forward for cleansing and I'd like to say now I'm perfectly peaceful but that is not the case. I am however aware of my tendencies to get overwhelmed when I don't take a minute to center (or seven in Repose), how irritable I get when I don't eat well or drink enough water. How it is okay to ask for help and it's also okay if I don't get it in the form I had envisioned.

There is a difference between knowing the path and walking the path

I want to keep walking this path and my intention is to continue to Repose and find time on my Yoga mat each day but I know it's also time to add another element. Tomorrow I begin work on my Bhakti path, which is the path of love and devotion. The obvious path in this Holy town I live in that is world renown for its Bhakti lifestyle. I will be visiting temples as often as possible and getting deeper in touch with divine part of my being and my version of source energy. I hope you'll stay tuned...

Day Twenty Three through Twenty Six of my Challenge ~ My Guru

Yesterday marked a turning point for me. It seems I've been drawing light into the darkest recesses of my being which is the point of this challenge but its hard to face the dark and my ego desperately wants to engage with those around me.

I was feeling depleted and weakened by the events around me which I don't really want to get into because they do not have a real baring on what my journey is, just know that I felt like I have been under constant verbal attack, like somehow I was not enough, I felt beaten down at times and questioned how much more I could withstand. Even with the knowledge that is was my own lack of self worth being directed at me I still couldn't stop my mind from dwelling in victim mode, I wondered how much longer I could tolerate this emotional roller coaster I seemed to be riding and then like magic this little gem showed up

This simple yet profound statement is everything I have been eluding to, everything I have understood intellectually but somehow didn't comprehend. Over the years I have been able to cultivate this when dealing with acquaintances but for the very first time it resonated as my core truth when dealing with loved ones.

I was able to look at the perceived tormentor, my beloved and see with compassion that it was not my insecurities but perhaps his own. I was able to listen without allowing the words to settle in my skin, they did not weigh down my heart and only entered one ear and quickly exited the other. In that moment I understood that everything I have been praying for is right in front of me. One cannot find inner peace without dealing with all of their *hit first.

There is absolutely no anger, no resentment and certainly no belief that anyone else's words hold my truth. The recognition that the teacher, mentor I've been searching for is all around me. Living in a Holy Town in India I often get asked who my Guru is and my response is always the same; "God is my guru, my husband is my guru, my children are my gurus, the beautiful masters the divine leads me to are my gurus, the sweet souls I encounter are my gurus, everything is my Guru." Finally, finally they are not just words. From the deepest part of me, from my core I can feel myself surrendering to life...my Guru.

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The grass is always greener on the other side...

I made a new friend online, her life mirrors mine in many ways; left everything behind in the west to move here to India, she is married to a local, the love of her life. She talked about how her in-laws met her at the airport with roses and how her mother in law picks flowers each morning for them to adorn their hair with and I couldn't help but feel a hint of jealousy in the pit of my stomach. Her life sounds so shanti I thought to myself, how did I allow mine to get so far removed from the picture I wanted, the peace that brought me to India in the first place.

Social media has a way of glamorizing our lives, we edit our words, pick the most flattering pictures to post and talk mainly about the sweet stuff. I knew I was just as guilty as others for this but I justified it because I truly am someone who wants to share in love and light, I want to make people smile and shed a little happiness into each day. The people in my feeds that were always complaining I blocked or unfriended, there is enough negativity in the world I choose to use social media as a place of inspiration and sharing positive vibes. Turns out I may be doing a disservice. 

See there are days, days when I've wanted to complain that my mother in law was in a bad mood, again! Or that I'm ready to tear my hair out because my toddlers won't give me a minute of silence. or that my husband hasn't put his phone down in days because he is addicted to candy crush and I feel like taking his phone and throwing it across the room but I haven't written a word about these moments, which has led to others coveting my life.

This illusion we are creating on these sites can lead to a deeper feeling of loneliness. I found a really interesting video that delves deeper into this theory

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Yesterday I got a chance to actually chat with this new friend only to find out her life is not at all as it seems, in fact other than the fact that she is married to the love of her life the rest of it really sucks at the moment. My little world seemed to get brighter as we chatted, not that I took any enjoyment hearing of her hardships or felt superior in any way for having managed Indian culture but just in the reminder that the grass is not always greener. It was a valuable lesson in envy. something I didn't even recognize existed in my world,

I'm meditating surrendering to what is and once again appreciating all that I have, But mostly I want to find balance, I want to be fearlessly authentic, truly real, even when there is an option to edit...

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection"

You are always with yourself you you might as well enjoy the company...

As per February's resolution to cultivate more self love I'm not sure if I fully accomplished the task I set out to do but I am definitely more mindful of the negative self talk and more apt to shut it down before it gets out of hand. I still see flaws when I look at my reflection but more often I catch myself making eye contact with my soul, the twinkle of recognition takes only seconds now and more often then not this connection deters the wandering eye of judgement.

Self love for me is not only internal, although a large portion of it, but it is also taking pride in my physical body. Living in a traditional Indian town sexy isn't really a way of life. I've had to look for new ways to feel sexy because the clothing that helped the task along in the past is no longer an option, nor would I choose it. I, like you, am bombarded by images of what I've been programmed to believe is sexy, maybe even more so by Bollywood., scantly clad women with professional make up and groomers, it can leave me feeling inferior which I know it shouldn't but I'm being honest with you and even more importantly working through it. I've been making an effort to bring sexy back but in a grown sexy way (yes I just quoted someone from the Bachelor and yes I'm ashamed, lol) Grown sexy for me is a way of finding ways to be sexy as a Mom and as a wife of a man who has no desire to see me out in public it tight fitting clothes showing cleavage or bare legs. I have a girlfriend who is Muslim and I draw inspiration from her, she chooses to wear a burka although she lives in Canada and her husband doesn't demand it. She chooses this dress because according to her it makes her feel 'mysterious and incredibly sexy" she loves the fact that her husband is the only man who will ever know the true beauty of her body.

That being said I'm on a quest to be a little more yummy mommy and a little less frumpy mommy, so I'm shaving my legs more frequently, I even purchased some panties that aren't of the cotton brief variety after reading somewhere that 'you'll feel sexier if you feeeeel sexier underneath.' Don't get me wrong  I do understand that sexy and beautiful have more to do with your state of mind than anything material you can adorn but I have to admit I feel better when I look down at my hairless legs. Imagine the glow when I manage get out of my pajamas and style my hair :)

The reality is we live in a material world and I have decades of programming to work through. For now as long as their are mirrors around me the material aspect of my appearance will play a roll, albeit a small one. Taking pride in ones appearance is a balance and a good thing I think. I spend most days running around without makeup and my hair thrown back in a ponytail and I'm cool with that, I don't feel any less loving towards myself on those days but I've discovered taking care of my physical body is a part of loving myself.

A big part of cultivating self love has been looking at what I love so much in those around me. Laughter is beauty and not taking things, especially myself, so seriously. Kindness and a positive disposition is love manifested and there is nothing better than dancing for no reason at all. Moving forward will involve feeding myself the same loving kindness I afford my loved ones, being gentle with myself and indulging in even more things that make me feel  taken care of.

With March approaching I'm shifting my focus to work with a mantra of "aim higher!" I have my hands in a lot of pots and need to reorganize, let go, start up and finish. Are you spending your days at a job that brings you happiness? Is there another field you wish you were working in? Did you make your career choices based on your passions? Is there a whisper in your heart that you need to pursue?

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if you don't like where you are standing, take a step to the side

I had a friend pass away last week and the news came as a surprise. I've always dealt with death a little differently than those around me, it doesn't seem to hit me quite as 'hard' even when it is sudden. Of course I miss the person in physical form but I'm aware of souls eternal spirit and I continue to feel the connection so it allows me to concentrate instead on the time we were able to share here on earth with immense gratitude. The death of this friend was incredibly grounding we were great friends in high school and have children the same age, I have felt a complete shift in my own being, an immediate awakening if you will.

As you know with my version of the happiness project I have been working on cultivating a stronger sense of self love and I am incredibly aware that it is inner peace that is the key to my long lasting happiness. This inner peace can only be accomplished for me by being present, that is what it means to be alive, to actually live. I've never feared death but I have feared not being alive before it's over.

I once read "if you don't like where you are standing, take a step to the side" and it hit home. Instead of complaining about not liking something I've done what I can to change it and if it isn't something I can change then I simply have to accept what is, that is the harder part. A perfect example for me right now is with my children. My youngest is not sleeping through the night which happens with babies but it has been almost three years since I've had a full nights sleep so the sleep depravation is taking its tole on me. Lately when my children wake continuously I feel surges of anger. I try to not take it out on them but its not even a conscious reaction we rarely choose to respond to anyone we love in anger. Don't read more into this I've never, nor would I ever, hurt my children but there is definitely some psychic attack I'm not proud of.

I've been praying (more like begging) for help in releasing this anger in a positive way and the passing of my friend has ended up helping to heal this. I have so much more patience and I'm reminded of my favorite quote "you can't change peoples actions only your reactions to them." Now each time a child calls out for me I may have a moment of "Oh my God no" but quickly its replaced with gratitude. How awesome is it that my little ones find comfort in my arms and in truth, time and love are the only two things I have an unlimited supply of to give them. I am blessed to be healthy, to be alive and to have these little starseeds in my life, in the next blink of my eye they won't be babies anymore or I could be thew one slipping behind the veil unexpectedly.

It was Buddha who taught to truly live one must meditate on death and to some that may seem morbid but for me it is my reminder to be here now. I'm continuing with anew with gusto on my happiness project with a dedication in my heart to all of those who no longer have the opportunity. I want to feel the most joy I can and this month I still have a ways to go. Love your body and it will love you back is my theme for this week and I'm going to allow myself to begin indulging in things that feel good and I'm curious to know how you pamper yourself and in what ways you are choosing to cultivate more self love?

loving it forward

Hopefully a few days in you're beginning to feel the self love. I admittedly am still struggling but I haven't given up! I knew this wasn't going to be easy but even more so I know it is worth it. Every time I look in the mirror I work past the voice that whispers its disdain with anything it can find to fault. I remain eye locked until I can quiet the harshness, I repeat "I love you" until I see that twinkle of recognition.

I've begun doing affirmations each morning, my favorite is "I open my heart to love and radiate love" I do it the same way I do my mantra repeating 108 times doing one round of my mala beads. Then I've been following it up by setting an intention for the day; "Joy" "Laughter" but most of all "love love love". To intensify the magic I do a hand mudra, hands at heart center palms together fingers apart except for the thumbs and the pinkys, set the intention aloud or silently then seal the other fingers so your hands are in prayer position. I've also allowed my asana practice to center around heart openings, its amazing what flows your way when you open yourself to love. Lots of beauty but also the shadow side that needs to be worked on (more on that in future blogs).

Love is one of the only things you can give away continuously and still have more to give. It feels good to do things for other people and although I still hold doors open, make eye contact and smile at strangers that is normal behavior for where I come from, so this week each day I'm going to Love it forward. What does that mean? Well I'm going to do random acts of kindness for no reason other than to make someone else smile. Not loving to get love in return, just loving for the joy of love. An example; I plan on dropping some flowers off to the nursing home up the street from me, maybe just maybe it will brighten someones day. Simple gestures straight from my heart is the aim for the rest of the week.

Tell me what other ways you have decided to cultivate more love in your life?

What a beautiful thing to hold loves itself in your arms

It’s been awhile since my last blog and I apologize for that, as you know I had a precious baby boy nine weeks premature, I was warned the first three months of motherhood would be a blur, having reached that milestone I assure you it’s true and only this week have I finally come up for air.

So I guess a recap is needed; my son went to the neonatal unit and within six hours he had pulled out his ventilator and was breathing without issue, he did have a few episodes of SVT even while cuddled in my arms, it was terrifying, the monitors whaled their alarms as I sat helplessly watching his heart rate gain speed, the nurses fetched him from me and began their maneuvers, cardiology came running and everyone hovered around, tears streamed down my cheeks and once again I found comfort in my mantra. Our instincts to protect our children are inherent and we do this as best we can but this situation taught me quickly I wasn’t in control, it forced me to let go if just slightly and trust God’s plan, my son was born of me, I am gifted with the experience of mothering him but ultimately he is a child of God and his karma is his alone to work through.

The great news is within a week he was on the right dose of medication and we’ve been episode free ever since. Doctors assure me by six months of age he will simply outgrow his meds and the chances of a reoccurrence is rare.

Three days after giving birth I was released from the hospital but my son was kept behind. It was horrible, I begged the social worker for a parent room but with only eight rooms and forty sites in NICU they reserved the rooms for those who were in transition getting ready to head home or on a sadder note those undergoing palliative care, so I arrived at the hospital each morning and spent my days sitting in a chair snuggled in the recommended skin to skin (which ironically had been brought to the hospital after a team spent time on a research project in India). As I held my baby I fell deeper in love with each moment, weighing in at only 3.1lbs the warmth of my body helped him grow, I did reiki and tried to not concentrate on the monitors instead told him stories about the spiritual adventures we would embark on, I sang lullabies, read stories and dozed throughout the day with him on my chest.

He spent one week in the "intensive" unit, I arrived one morning to find his site cleared, panic hit my stomach when a nurse came towards me "great news, he’s been moved to "intermediate!" He spent another short week there, his IV came out and with that we transferred to the "transitional" unit. He came out of his incubator and was being kept now simply as a "feeder and grower" (which meant learning to breastfeed and putting on the weight needed before he could be released.) By week’s end a nurse fought to get me a parent room, he was ready to go to breast and we felt if I was there for all feeds it would take no time at all, I got to move into the hospital and within days my little guy was actively breast feeding, his feeding tube came out by the end of the week and we got to enjoy the next couple of weeks fattening him up.

Being with the NICU team for so long was a gift, their expertise and guidance helped me build my confidence as a new mother, I owe them a debt of gratitude. We were released just before my partner arrived from India after battling the Canadian Embassy for an entry visa. He was finally able to wrap his arms around his baby boy; it was a magical moment as we all let out an exhale, united as a family. We’ve been enjoying life adapting to our new roles sleeping, eating and changing poopy diapers and now just as our routine is somewhat established we are preparing for our return to India. It will be interesting to learn parenting skills from a set of women in a culture that is opposite of the one I’ve grown accustomed to, I’ll share my insights…



Thank you for your continued support

…by afternoon the contractions were sporadic and I was able to return to my room again. My Goddess troop hung out trying to determine what was the best course of action, my mother noted we could go on like this for days, even weeks and it would be best for everyone to take turns staying with me, she volunteered to take the first shift eyeing up the empty bed in my room. Exhaustion had crept in so everyone left for the night, my mother crawled into the extra bed and was out like a light as I lay trying to find sleep. 

The contractions became steady and more intense once again, then I felt something strange; it was a ‘clunking’ sensation in my lower pelvis, “those were weird kicks” I thought to myself touching my baby boy through my belly wondering what he was up to. At six minutes apart for about an hour I gave in and called the nurse. I was in denial but finally admitted to her the pain was the worst I had felt yet and with my mom still fast asleep I was finding it difficult to deal on my own.

The nurse called the doctor insisting I be checked immediately, the doctor discovered I was six centimeters dilated and the “clunking” I had felt was actually the baby dropping. They ordered an emergency c-section, my mom was startled awake by the news and was informed we had a half an hour at most. My son was coming and my mind reeled…I questioned the universe and prayed he knew what he was doing, tears welled in my eyes as I was wheeled past the nurses station where they had gathered smiling “Good Luck” with compassion in their eyes, I choked back the lump in my throat.

My fingers automatically began turning my mala beads, my mantra sang in my mind frantic in pace as I searched for my breath, panic threatened to consume me. I held on to the words and was grateful to whoever had hit the repeat button. Slowly I found the rhythm of my breath as we entered the birthing unit and familiar faces smiled out “you’ll be great” they comforted. I had to remind myself to remain present, my mind fought to go anywhere but the moment it was being faced with.

Everything happened quickly the injection into my spine to numb me from the waist down scared me the most but wasn’t as bad as I had anticipated. The anesthesia mixed with the adrenalin made me feel wonky or maybe it was just because I was having a hard time getting grounded in the rush of energy surrounding me. My legs were strapped to the bed and my arms outstretched in a t shape. I had an image of Jesus on the cross, I asked the ascended master, in fact I called on all ascended masters to be present and felt a warmth brush over me.

“We’re about to begin” the doctor peeked over the curtain. I could feel all of the sensation that accompanied the surgery minus the pain, it was odd to say the least. My body shook uncontrollably as energy coursed through me. It seemed to take forever and only seconds all at once, the doctor asked for a stool, called for a second incision, then I heard the words no one wants to hear during surgery “oh shit!” escaped her mouth. I lost my breath, my world threatened to crash around me, I was sure he was gone I couldn’t feel my baby’s presence inside me anymore. I was terrified and looked to my mother, she knew what I was thinking and quickly said “It’s okay” rubbing my hand that held hers tightly, I shook my head no “he’s gone” I whispered. There was a hint of fear in her eyes but it was concealed with strength, enough for both of us and an unconditional love that only a mother knows. I flashed to my childhood from the day I was born I found comfort in those deep brown eyes. I prayed I could offer my son the same comfort. The doctor was up on the bed with me, I could feel her pulling, tugging and panting as she fought to get him out.

  “There he is” my mom squealed, I held her hand in a death grip “Is he alive?” I asked, he was given to the neonatal intensive care team that had assembled. “Yes” my mother said to me but there was uncertainty in her voice as she stared in his direction waiting for someone else to assure us. “Oh his little hand just shot up” she smiled relieved, a lightness overtook the entire room and a tear fell down my cheek.

It turns out my placenta had separated which meant the doctor had less than a minute to get him out, on top of that his little bum was wedged in my pelvis and wouldn’t budge which is what prompted the “oh shit” and although in her words it was the hardest c-section of her career there was magic in the room and now my little boy was snug in his incubator in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit, my angel baby arrived ready to face the world and this earth mama couldn’t wait to meet him.

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The story continues...

…When I arrived at the local hospital and explained my situation they quickly hooked me up to monitors explaining that Braxton Hicks don’t occur at frequent intervals, what I was experiencing were actual contractions. The ultrasound showed low fluid around the baby and his heart rate was a little high so they prepared me for transport to my hospital. The helicopter couldn’t fly due to foggy weather so I was taken by ambulance, the attendants and I chatted as we made the hour long journey, I was grateful for their conversational distraction.

Taken to the birthing unit and hooked up to monitors, the nurse assured me the baby was doing fine, his heart rate was normal and the contractions had subsided somewhat. By mid afternoon I was admitted to the high risk unit for overnight observation. They did an ultrasound using advanced equipment and found “adequate” fluid around the baby, who once again put on a performance for his viewers doing what I referred to as his Bollywood dance. An internal ultrasound revealed I had a shortened cervix. Bed rest was ordered until this little man made his entrance. The next morning I wondered if they would release me, I knew pregnant women who were on bed rest in the comforts of their home.

They came to take me for second ultrasound to determine the baby’s bio-score which gives them an idea of how developed the baby is. During this test the baby did something they referred to as “super ventricular tachycardia” (high heart rate) it was beating so fast they immediately called the specialist who in the span of minutes talked about an emergency c-section, putting me on heart meds in hopes of regulating his heart and/or releasing me provided I had somewhere close by to stay. My head reeled in confusion and tears threatened to consume me, I had never felt so scared in my life. When the doctor left the room I found my voice and although the lump in my throat threatened to consume me I asked the technician for clarification. She assured me everything was going to be okay that they were trying to determine the best course of action and these were the potential possibilities.

I had to surrender, I had to draw faith from the deepest resources of my being, I looked away from the monitors and focused on the love I had for this little starseed growing inside me. Horrible visions flew through my mind, in an attempt to control them I tried visualizing him at different stages throughout his life happy, healthy and strong but fear had a grasp and the more I struggled to control my thoughts the harder it became. I turned to my mantra and instantly felt some ease; terrifying thoughts still crossed the movie screen of my mind but I allowed the power of my mantra to blare, like somebody turning up a radio to drown out unwanted noise…

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God is Love & Love is God

I never understood the belief that there was only one true path to God. For me God is love and love is God. The beauty in the Hindu faith is the recognition that there are many different paths but all lead to the same place. The philosophy is that God has had to take on many different forms in order to appeal to the different mindsets of mankind. Not everyone thinks alike so each individual person will gravitate towards what feels right for them. Hindu’s accept Allah, Jesus, Buddha and of course of thousands of Gods and Goddesses within their faith knowing that they all lead to the same omnipresent source.

Here in Vrindaban it is the playground of Lord Krishna. In the west when we hear the name Krishna our minds instantly go to bald headed, tambourine shaking, “Hare Krishna’s.”  Those are members of a following known as ISKCON (International Society of Krishna Consciousness). Assuming that anyone who worships Krishna is a ‘Hare Krishna’ is like saying anyone who believes in Jesus is a born again Christian. It is but a small part of the Krishna faith.

My first experience with Krishna was in BC; I could hear tambourines and chanting, looking out my window and saw a group of people dressed in saffron robes dancing in the street, my friends laughed but I smiled but for a different reason, the tune they were singing “Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare… “was making my heart tingle. That night I inquired about these people I had seen, I was told they were a cult and to steer clear.

A few months later I was approached on the street by a normal looking dude who he asked me for a donation towards a meal program to feed the many homeless, being a starving student I joked I might need to join him for a meal, he handed me a card looking deep into my eyes and told me “I was welcome anytime” his authenticity pierced my soul, when I looked at the card once again I saw Krishna’s name.

I’ve never been interested in getting involved with any particular faith; I’m not one for strict rules. But once again years later, little did I know I was still being beckoned by Krishna’s flute and promise of unconditional love. I didn’t know Vrindaban was famous for Krishna’s pastimes until I arrived. My first temple experience coincidently was ISKCON and as Krishna’s form was revealed tears streamed down my cheeks, I thought this must be what some people feel when they go to church. I had longed for this type of connection and here it was I was overwhelmed with love.

I will never be a ‘devotee’ one particular faith is to limiting but living in this auspicious town I am fortunate to have over 5000 temples to choose from daily , where I get to sit, filling my heart and soul, basking in the glory of devotional love.

Mirror Mirror on the wall...

When I first arrived back in India my face began breaking out like crazy, something that has never happened in my life, why Lord am I getting pimples and wrinkles at the same time? I fought with the image in the mirror each day as I scanned my skin noticing more and more imperfections. When I told one of my friends I was doing battle with my image of beauty, in his wisdom he asked if it was my battle or for the collective consciousness of female energy? It hit me like a ton of bricks, this isn’t just mine, women everywhere question their image at some point in their lives. He reminded me to truly hear voice the in my head, was it mine? If not why pay any attention to it?

My partner says “don’t worry, I am going with heart not face” I know this is supposed to be a compliment but tears stream down my cheeks. “What is wrong my love? You know if I wanted someone for just beauty I could be with many girls” my cry turns into a wail. My heart knows what he is trying to say but the insecure girl inside of me begs for clarification. He explains “Radhika you are beautiful, stunning, gorgeous, not just on the outside but more importantly on the inside, I have chosen to be with you in this life, why concern yourself with a few lines or a pimple, your looks don’t matter because your soul is connected to mine and our hearts beat together.” Love makes everything beautiful.

Inner beauty, we claim and deep in our hearts we know is what’s truly important, yet across the world many women everywhere are driven to improve their external beauty. Here in India the quest is as prevalent as it is in the west, girlfriends are concerned with their skin and its lightness, they go for regular facials with the aim of obtaining a ‘fair’ complexion, the fairest of them all is a literal translation here and most skin creams and even powders on the market have lightening agents in them, even North American favorite Ponds Cold Cream claims to give you ‘lighter skin in just ten days’ (although from the list of ingredients I’m not sure what they classify as a lightening agent).

The opposite is true in the west; with the obsession there being darker skin. A culture consumed with self tanners, bronzers and tanning beds. I can’t deny that a day in the sun does bring about a certain glow to a person. When someone is healthy they tend to have some colour in their cheeks, when someone is sick they’re pale. In the east the epitome of health is in a fairer complexion and an unhealthy lifestyle makes itself known with a darker undertone. I am witness to both. It’s very fascinating to me and I can’t help but ponder what the connection is? I’d love your thoughts on the subject…

"Love so vast, love the sky cannot contain, How does all this fit within my heart?" - Rumi

This week we got married in a traditional Hindu ceremony. Although the experience in itself was foreign to my Christian-Judeo society upbringing there was a familiarity throughout. One of my favorite things about a Hindu wedding is that the bride and groom arrive at the altar as God and Goddess, in human form. The recognition of God self is a core value in the Hindu faith.

There were many rites involved, too many to fit in this blog but I will highlight a few; we greeted each other by placing flower garlands around each other’s neck, this is done in acceptance of one another. We then sat cross legged on the floor as the Pandit (Priest) lit a sacred fire in front of us. We made offerings to the fire (which represents God) while he recited prayers, we committed to one another and our spiritual growth as a couple. My partners sister placed sacred cloth over my shoulders and one over his; tying the two in a marriage knot. With my foot asleep we were asked to stand, my right foot was completely numb; it felt like nothing existed from the knee down. Feeling unstable I shifted my weight to my left.

We were instructed to take seven steps and I wasn’t sure if my right foot could bare my weight, I questioned how I was going to stand on a “nonexistent” foot but when my partner took my right hand in his I felt assured he would catch me if I fell, telling my brain my foot was there I realized this was symbolic of all major life decisions and trusted the feeling in my heart, I was nervous of losing my balance but deep down I knew it was safe to take the step.

We circled the fire seven times to represent seven lifetimes we were committing to one another. The seven blessings that were bestowed as we walked included; May this couple be blessed with an abundance of resources and comforts, May this couple be strong and complement each other, May this couple be blessed with prosperity and riches on all levels, May this couple be eternally happy, May this couple be blessed with a happy family, May this couple live in perfect harmony, true to their personal values, May this couple always be the best of friends.

My partner then recited these vows to me in Hindi:

 “We have taken the seven steps. You have become mine forever. We have become partners. I have become yours. Hereafter I cannot live without you. Do not live without me. Let us share the joys. We are word and meaning, united. You are thought I am sound. May life be honey-sweet for us. As the heavens are stable, as the earth is stable, as the mountains are stable, as the whole universe is stable, so may our union be permanently settled.”

My soul is not only home, the longing has finally settled…

I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be

Holi – the festival of colour was this past week and I agreed to stay at my partner’s family home so we didn’t have to travel back and forth through the colour filled chaos. In India most families live together throughout their lives. Wives move in with their husband’s families and my partner’s home is no exception. Both parents, four brothers, their wives and four children share the home. At first this sounded a little overwhelming to this Canadian chick who’s been living on her own since she was nineteen but we’ve been living at our temple/guesthouse and my partner is willing to continue to live outside of his home if it is too much for me to handle. Having already broken so many cultural rules to be with me, I figured the least I could do was explore this avenue. His family has accepted me with open hearts so I was eager to deepen my relationship with them and gain an understanding of daily life in a traditional home.

It’s not as crowded as you’d think; everyone shares a common courtyard (equipped with our very own cow that provides fresh milk daily.) The three oldest brothers live upstairs with their families, each in their own space; bachelor style apartments (room, kitchen and bathroom). Downstairs is the parent’s room, Papaji’s office, the youngest brother and his wife’s bedroom, there’s a living room, my partner’s room, a common kitchen and two bathrooms.

After one night I instantly understood the beauty of being surrounded by those you love. Waking up to serve morning chai with the youngest wife of the household, we giggled in the kitchen as she practiced her English and me my Hindi. Papiji singing songs of devotion as he went about his morning chores and the laughter of the children all filled my heart.

The differences amongst the women in our societies brought forth a valuable lesson. While they are content to remain inside the house each day, I found myself feeling a little shackwacky after two days and by the fourth day I was overwhelmed, in tears thinking about a future of confinement and housework. I wasn’t sure if these newly grown wings could handle being clipped so soon.  Working for years with spirit animals I noticed hornets buzzing for my attention. Three different rooms over three days I was confronted, they were communicating. The hornet represents the use of female warrior energy, sisterhood, understanding female societies and communal living. All of which I was surrounded by.

I sat with our homes deity to make an honest assessment of my emotions and soon realized I had become a prisoner of my own fear. Deep set patterning of “what if’s” instead of enjoying the love and simplicity that encompassed me. Staying present I’m allowing my heart to dream its future adventures without the fear of what “might” transpire from any given decision. I know if it feels right, the future will manifest in its most beautiful form...

test the water with your big toe then dive in heart first

Last September I spent three months in India, testing the water, so to speak. I had sold everything I owned, left my career, and those I loved behind, to really get my feet wet. With a return ticket, a tourist visa, and faith, I inched into the water. As I got more comfortable in the tides of change I eased my way deeper into the water and soon found myself wading into a sea of love. Up to my waste and willing to keep my heart open, despite the fear that threatened to consume me, a relationship evolved. A friend asked the perfect question during the courtship “What if he wants to move to Canada?” It helped me discover my truth; that India was where I wanted to be. I recognized the relationship could be used as a safety net but in acknowledging that fact, and knowing I was willing to stand on my own two feet, I allowed fate to work its magic.

I spent days crying, questioning; he would wipe my tears. Spent days in the excitement of falling in love and still fear crept in; he took me by the hand and showed me the monsters in my closet were an illusion. I meditated regularly and prayed.  He encouraged this (which was something foreign to me, I was used to being ridiculed for turning to “God”).  He suggested different temples for me to take comfort in and was eager to hear about my discoveries. I prayed for signs and all of them told me to open up, to ignore what society claimed was right or wrong in both our cultures.

I trusted the force that brought us together, the hard part was trusting myself, my feelings. Then I realized that’s what brought me to India in the first place! How could I stop trusting my feelings now? If I was to back away from what I was feeling just because it was new and scary, wouldn’t that make me a hypocrite? I had done the surface work of self realization but now it was (and still is) time to dive into the murky water of deep set patterning that no longer serves my highest good.

I caught myself hesitating to broach this subject in my blog, I was scared of the judgments that may accompany it (another pattern) but my family and friends encouraged me to share this important part of my journey. The quote from author Don Miguel Ruiz “Don’t waste your time taking anything personally. Whatever people say about you is just a projection of their image of you. It has nothing to do with you.” Provided me with the insight I needed (gotta love those signs!)

This time around it’s a one way ticket, an extendable visa, and of course faith. Keeping my raw heart gently beating in the moment, exposing my vulnerable side, will take work but I’m fearlessly diving into the depths, letting the current of change carry me into my future…