What I used to do

Before I came to India on my first journey I admit I was completely out of Balance. After spending nearly three months in this glorious country I was grounded, I was connected to my truth, I sat in my own power. It was easy to be me because it was now the only truth I knew, so much programming had fallen away in the silence and rekindled joy of my inner child.

It wasn’t easy remaining true in the West nothing felt right any more. So when the opportunity to move to India presented itself as you know, I did just that.

Becoming an Indian Housewife and mother definitely threw me off balance once again, but that is because I stopped being true to me. I disconnected from putting my soulwork first in an effort to be what I thought was wanted of me, in an effort to make sure everyone loved me.

In every situation we find ourselves we are either aligned with higher self or detouring off the path. When we are in alignment everything feels right, there is no struggle, its when we step out of our blue print, deviate off of the path that serves us to one that no longer does we feel discombobulated.

The question I am continuously asked and ask myself is how to get aligned?

Unfortunately there is not one perfect solution, because we are all unique we all need to take different action. I know that may not be what you were hoping to hear but have faith there are modalities that can help you find your truth; meditation in it’s many forms is by far the most effective and a great starting point for anyone at any stage trying to achieve anything.

The rest my friends is divine. When you connect back to yourself through meditation the universe will begin to show you where you need to focus, where you need to put your energy, what the steps are you need to take in order to achieve this oneness with god self most of us are seeking on some level. 

That has been the point of my last few blogs particularly the one where I asked you to commit for one week. Together we discovered answers everywhere, literally everywhere, we just had to open ourselves long enough to listen.

For me the first step in my reconnection was Reflective meditation,

The practice of reflective or analytical meditation is like disciplined thinking: choosing a theme, question, or topic of contemplation we focus our reflection, or analysis, upon it. When our attention wanders to other thoughts, we return to our chosen topic. 
Excerpt taken from "The Five Types of Meditation" outlined by the website self-guided. 

It was a non judgement process where I allowed myself to return to my happiest time, a place where I felt the most at peace, within that were keys, what was I doing in that time and place that I was no longer doing now? The list was surprising large; Meditating, Yoga, Healthy Eating were all areas I was already aware of and making great strides to transform.

But other area's I had all but forgotten about included: Working with minerals and gemstones. Healing with crystals came quite naturally to me and even ironically during a deep clean of our home a few weeks ago I found a bag of stones I had brought from Canada five years ago when I moved here, I think I stopped using them almost immediately. Now they sit in a bowl in kitchen and daily I am getting reacquainted with their energy!


Hugging Trees, my mother always joked about me as a child talking to trees, She'd often find me outside sitting near a tree having a conversation, hugging them became a natural extension of this. I didn't want to draw extra attention to myself in a culture where I already stand out so I stopped doing things that are not with societies 'norm.'

We have a wonderful Ashoka Tree in our courtyard who now receives a hug from not only me each morning but my children who are overjoyed with the experience. Ashoka trees are considered quite auspicious and linked to Hindu History, Ashoka literally means "without sorrow"so fitting,



Dancing, I've been a dancer since childhood, but some how I misconstrued my husbands comments on how Indian women were the best dancers combined with the bombardment of Bollywood actresses like Katrina Kaif on TV dancing in ways I no longer felt capable of doing in a pregnant  Indian housewife state, My love of movement felt frumpy and forged, I no longer felt like a Goddess when I moved in my body, I felt foreign and feared being judged. Sadly to this day my husband has never seen me dance but I am slowly get back my rhythm, and maybe, just maybe,,.



Smiling in this culture can be misinterpreted out the street and I was lectured once for laughing in a busy market because it brought about unwanted stares. I began to stifle my laughter.

Fortunately with the arrival of two goofball children the laughs in our world have expanded and I'm trying now to make a point at laughing about the things that can be frustrating. I mentioned the anger I was feeling in a previous blog, it wasn't serving me but the laughter certainly does and helps to transmute those unwanted emotions. Laughter truly is the best therapy!



I realized I gave up a lot of my confidence going anywhere by myself and being completely fearless
living in a culture that holds women in their arms for safety I began to feed into the vibration
plus as most mothers will tell you the world can start to feel a little scary when you have a child, like a Mama Lion you are now more aware of dangers that could potentially lurk around the corner. In an effort to transmute this I've been heading out more frequently alone, my husband fully supports this which is lucky really because my Indian sister in laws do not leave the home unaccompanied and while my mother and father in law are not crazy about it they do understand and are getting more comfortable with it,

Next in my journey I'm going to revisit my bucket list, you know the things you'd like to experience before you "kick the bucket". Something I actually began creating in my teens and updated frequently but like everything I've talked about in this post something I haven't looked at in five years!

Time to connect back to the part of me that longs for experiences in this world and set some intentions for the future, care to join me in compiling a list? I'd love for you to share the inspiration...

In love and light beautiful souls

Follow @1balancedsoul

Scribbles from my world...

The inner work continues. like a yo yo I'm up I'm down but the beautiful part is I'm in it. 

I don't have the energy or the time to write right now, I'm releasing and my energy needs to be there, not distracted which is so tempting to do. In this place of liberation I have surrendered, I am not trying to change it, or hurry it, or make it anything other than what it is. I offer myself and all that I am and hope to become to this pivotal stage. 

But in an effort to stay true to the writing, sharing process I will leave you this week with some notes I scribbled that seem to sum up the process I am undergoing:

The ocean takes a breath, I feel myself do the same. It’s shifting, swirling, moving with no sense of direction yet every sense of purpose

I feel the energy shifting in my body, my vibration is rising. 

I feel in sync with the chaos of the ocean. 

Waves climb their way up onto the rocks, sliding and cascading content to just make a splash.

The ocean breaths in once again, I do the same. 

The waves reach higher, a deeper sense of urgency stirs in my soul. Big waves, small waves, hardly a ripple, it’s all the same water…

The ocean takes a breath I do the same

~ In Love and Light Beautiful Souls

Follow @1balancedsoul

Messages in places you don't expect...

It's been a huge week of release for me. More crying than I can even begin to explain, but that in itself has been very healing. I've also really been focusing on connecting back to the parts of me I somehow lost along the path. There were many pieces that needed to fall, they no longer served my highest truth but there were some that I let go without realizing the harm it was doing to my soul. So while I spend some quiet time contemplating I'm also doing all I can to connect back to the elemental side of my being, more on that in future blogs.

I was going to skip a post this week but thought instead to assure you the messages continue to pour in from the universe as I remain open, even though some days the emptiness I am still feeling threatens to consume me. 

One particular example of a message where I didn't expect it:

I am not a fan of television, years before I moved to India I threw mine out. I do everything I can to avoid it. People use it as “a way to unwind” and when I first returned home from three months of ashram peaceful existence I was excited to catch up on some of my favourite shows but within five minutes I could not believe the way my body was feeling. I finally understood what many scientists had already proven. Watching television elevates stress levels in the body.

Needless to say rarely does the television come on in our home unless hubby who loves to watch movies turns it on and I often leave the room. The other day I really wanted to be close to him, I needed to be in his presence the weather was to hot outside to go anywhere and enjoy ourselves and for once the idea of getting lost for awhile in a movie was actually appealing so I gave in and watched pretty much an entire movie with my beloved.

He put on an English station so I could really enjoy myself without having to think of the translation, it was one of the Xmen movies, not really my genre but remember my post from last week about remaining open and you know what? True to my world it was quite deeper than I anticipated and there was even a powerful message in a scene towards the end when one of the main characters visits himself in the future and he gets a message from his feature self about taking in all of the emotional pain of those around him because ”he was built to handle it”. It is part of his special (mutant) power and is the gift he can offer, as an empath it rang so true I actually cried one of those healthy “Oh my God somebody understands me and maybe I do have a purpose” cries.

The very next day I randomly picked up one of my many notebooks scattered in various locations throughout our room and I found this note that I had written to the universe a few months back:

“I feel it so you don’t have to.

I cry for reasons unknown even to me

I shed tears for your release, to give you space to breathe and continue

I chose this, I am led to believe

I came here ready to take it all on

A spiritual warrior, a sponge, an innocent soul ready to help be the change

But the hurt, the injustice that must be consumed and transmuted is wearing me down

I need strength, in Grace, from the angels that are among us seen and unseen, I need you to show me my purpose, that all of this is worth fighting for.”

And a tiny spark is ignited, a shimmer of hope, a bit of strength to continue to face the shadows…

Tell me what messages came through for you this week?

In love and light beautiful souls ~

Follow @1balancedsoul

Can you commit for one week?

I received a lot of feed back after my last blogpost and I thank each of you who took the time to share your truth, your experiences, offer your wisdom and advice but most of all I thank you for the love and encouragement as I continue to open up further to the light.





I'm still processing all that I am going through, working with the wonderful messages that are coming forth and doing my best to integrate changes.

As I mentioned in my last blog "I am open and ready to receive guidance" but I've discovered staying open isn't always easy, especially when you hear things that you don't want to believe as true! So this week I've been practicing remaining open to all of the suggestions no matter how foreign they may sound.

Many people pray or ask for guidance but then they don't take the time to listen to the whispers from spirit around them or simply shrug off the bombardment of signs aka messages that are delivered, I committed myself to understanding that only God, my angels, my higher self, were speaking to me this week. That absolutely everything I heard was a message for my emotional health and healing.

So even when I heard proposals like "you should consider medication" or "it's the devil" I remained open despite the negative aspect of ego that did everything it could to close me down. When I felt the resistance I took time to truly see what I was actually resisting and find the pearl of truth that was being offered by this particular angel's message.

I'll start with the suggestion that I should consider medication because this one came in a few times and I immediately scoffed. While I'm grateful for the existence of pharmaceuticals, especially in those times when assistance is needed during the healing process, I do however believe that without getting to the (spiritual) root of the issue and simply medicating the medication will just act as a band-aid, the underlying issue will not dissolve it will simply manifest in other areas.

But in an effort to remain open I committed to seeking professional help if I couldn't make headway by the end of the month, And furthermore I contemplated what was said "you should consider medication" and the reality "medicine" for me has always been more about supplements and vitamins and even more importantly from an Ayurvedic philosophy food.

Ayurveda is a ancient medical care system that translates to the science (or knowledge) of life. My very first trip to India was for an Ayurvedic retreat where I learned the importance of eating the right foods for my body type. Healthy food doesn't always mean its the correct food, shocking I know!

So remembering my teachings here in India I understand anger is related to a Pitta imbalance so this is where I've begun, with the help of a trusted Ayurvedic Doctor and my own knowledge I am eating a much more mindful diet, and taking time to find the balance needed for this dosha.

If your interested in finding out more about Dosha's click the link to take the free Dosha quiz. 







And when my dear friend told me it was "the Devil and I needed to rebuke the devil verbally". I had visions of me loosing my *hit then claiming a defence of ' the devil made me do it!' my ego encouraged me to laugh it off but once again my commitment to remain open over ruled and I took a breath, asked her to give a me moment to let her words find a truth somewhere inside of me.

I don't believe in the devil or hell as many Christian's see it, so it was a little hard for me to swallow but then I thought about what the devil does represent to me. I believe the devil is a personification of what does not serve our highest version of self, the distractions (demons) that keep us from being in our naturally blissful (Christ Conscious) state. Again an angel had spoken and I was heeding the advice which was put to the test later that day; when I felt angry I cried out "Nope, this is not me or mine. Universe show me instead where to direct this energy"

Shortly afterwards it was suggested that "I stomp my feet like a child having a tantrum to let it out," something that makes my kids laugh out loud and the sound of their giggles is enough to soothe any angry mood like they say laughter is the best medicine!

Many people proposed I work on grounding myself one that stood out particularly recommended physically touching the ground, then my husband was watching a movie and when the student was consumed by his anger his Sensei (martial arts teacher) had him 'take a knee.'  See what I mean friends, advice from the divine was/is all around ;)


So the work continues, I understand frustrations will arise especially as a mother of two small children and being in an intercultural marriage but what I'm working with is not just a frustration, it is something larger, a force if you will, but by implementing the above changes I have started to make some headway and I know there is more to it, I'll get to the bottom, or root, of it you know why? Because my beloved and these love bugs, heck I, deserve nothing more than to be my highest version of self.

And so the Spiritual adventure continues and I invite you to join me...

Can you commit for one week? One week of understanding that only God (insert whatever you want here: universe, source, spirit...) is talking to you? Let go of all resistance to anything and everything you hear and see if a pattern arises that is offering you a gateway to walk through, so you too may be more aligned with your truth? I'd love to hear about the experience...

~ In Love and Light beautiful souls

Follow @1balancedsoul

Open and waiting for guidance...

I wish I could say it's been easy since I did the parikarma of my town, that I woke up the following morning filled with vitality and joy and everything just fell into place. That my world has been nothing but sunshine and butterflies. Well actually there has been a lot of sunshine a little to much. Indian summers have the same affect on me as Canadian winters. In both cases one tends to be housebound. For months it has been too hot to really get out and enjoy the world around me but at the same time I recognize those are just circumstances, and if one allows circumstances and/or situations to determine their happiness or inner peace then effort is futile. Blaming the weather for any of my emotions or discomforts is remaining in victim mode.

*For those of you interested in ways to break out of Victim Mentality here is a link to a great article with some helpful hints!

In truth while the sun blazes outside my work is inside, inside of me. The sun in all of its power has a ton of healing properties and I'm tapping into the energy of the sun and cycles of the moon to assist me on this aligning journey but more on that in future blogs.

Me Hiking the Inca Trail

In all honesty this is proving to be the biggest undertaking I've encountered thus far in my life, and I've trekked the Andes! The continuous bombardment in my mind of random thoughts are wasted energy. I once remember a teacher from Brahma Kumaris when asked how she could possibly look so young and have so much vitality at such an old age, she was in her 90's and keeping a schedule that most thirty year old's would tire from, and she replied that she didn't "waste thoughts"

Have you ever taken a moment, an hour, or  day to listen to your thoughts? It can be exhausting! They say the average person has between 50 000 to 70 000 thoughts per day that is 35 to 48 thoughts per minute!

Reining in my thoughts is just one of the keys to finding the inner peace that continue to allude me. Also getting a handle on my reactions. Now I'm not talking about not honouring my emotions I simply mean I do not want my emotions to control me and the way I treat  those around me.

I've been understanding more how important our emotions are, any perceived negative emotion is simply a guidepost to let us know we are no longer aligned with source, our higher self. And while the knowledge of this truth is an essential stepping stone for growth it does not eradicate the fact that I have been feeling A LOT of anger, surges of it in fact. Often around the same time, late afternoon early evening, I literally want to strangle somebody, or beat any body that comes near my space. But see I have two small children that are almost always in my space so it makes it very difficult to move past and I will not allow myself to have them be the grunt of the onslaught of this raw emotion.

So I am looking for helpful ways to diffuse and release and am completely open to your suggestions

One friend suggested punching pillows, I've tried it, doesn't work for me. And in truth I don't want my kids to see me that angry and  think that somehow they are the cause for Mommy's hatred of the moment.

Another friend offered that perhaps I was absorbing the anger of those around me. It's true, I am an empath in many ways, and it is correct that my husband's angry reputation is reputed in our town so perhaps I am absorbing the anger that is still inside of him yet consciously he now has far more control over. But I was angry long before he was ever even in my life. I can remember an Osteopath well over a decade ago informing me I had a lot of "anger stored inside", an acupuncturist made the same comment during our sessions and even the Swami that I first studied with here in India told me while I had a "beautiful heart filled with an enormous amount of love there was some deep anger in my cells that needed to be released."

So it brings me back to square one. My favourite teacher of the moment is Bentinho Massaro and the latest lesson I watched on youtube he proposed when you feel something negative instead of wishing it away say Hell Yeah! Bring it on, it's pointing to a place where you are not aligned and that is a beautiful thing, the question to ask is "okay so where do I go next with it?"

So I sit, open and waiting to receive the guidance needed in this next phase of my journey, perhaps one of you holds the answer...

A picture taken before marriage in Rishikesh a time when I felt more at peace then ever before in my life

~ In Love and Light Sweet Souls

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Aligning habits aligned with desires

I've been torn over what to write about next. There are so many aspects of my life that would like a voice but yet each day since my last blog when I sat at my computer I drew a blank, what do I really want to put out here now?

I don't like to rehash the past but I think it's an important aspect of my journey and a few of you have expressed interest in understanding a dark night experience.

I came across this great article this week on Dark Night of the Soul that may help you to understand what I and maybe even you have experienced.

My dark night was intense and long, not the first one I've ever experienced but the longest and most challenging. It essentially challenged every aspect of my life and while for the most part it has lifted, I'm still working through processing all of the information and implementing the changes that have to occur in order for me to find the one thing I've been praying for; Inner Peace.

It's a lofty prayer, filled with so much interpretation. When people come to visit me or join in on our of our Spiritual Adventures at our Guesthouse there is one particular temple we always try to fit in. This temple is renowned in India for having your prayers answered. I can attest; my marriage to my Indian love, my babies, trips to Canada all manifested within a short period of time after being present within this sacred space, the auspicious energy of the area and deity can be felt and I have no doubt it is a vortex.

Over the last year my prayer has been for lasting inner peace. When I think of inner peace I think of a relaxed life, where everything just kinda flows easy breezy. I don't expect that life will be perfect all the time but my prayers have simply been to bring that sense of joy and ease back into my world.

Like anything inner peace is possible but it takes work, inner work, and continuous practice. 

My dark night was a deep cleaning of sorts. First I had to recognize all of the patterns that have kept me from my peace. The thing is if you're willing to see them, you'll then notice that everything and everyone around you that is negative or disturbing is merely a reflection of your own truth. This can be a hard pill to swallow. I wasn't sure what to do with the information being tossed at me.

My honeymoon with the country I call home ended. I began to see the injustice, the poverty, the pollution, the patriarchal society that I had agreed to raise my children in. I was feeling overwhelmed and very alone.

My marriage began to suffer. It seemed that no matter what I said or did my husband wasn't happy with me. In one moment he was supportive and filled with love and next irate or withdrawn. I began to walk on egg shells around him, worried that I would set off one of his moods.

I felt I could only connect with the women of my house if I was complaining about something, so I shared my list of grievances with them, often. Negativity is like cancer when it spreads and I was consumed.

The stress was taking a toll on my health physically and mentally. I was no longer able to focus and really my children where the ones who were suffering at my lack of light which only intensified the darkness surrounding me.

I began to sink into an anxiety filled depression.

I read somewhere depression is when are thoughts are in the past and anxiety is when our thoughts are in the future. Check and Check!

I was spending a lot of time wondering how I would survive and be happy again in this country, in my marriage, in this world. I was also growing increasingly resentful of all I had left behind in Canada to be here. Never a good cycle.

I did the only thing I could, I turned to prayer. I prayed for direction, for connection to truth, for the inner peace I longed to experience again, and I opened up to see, hear and feel the truth.

See the thing is messages are everywhere and once I began to remember that it is all God the messages began to pour in. The universe began showing me what I needed to do. Angels were guiding me back home, back into my light, my alignment.

I started by getting back on my yoga mat. I started there because that was where I was when I wsas my happiest, my most connected. Twenty minutes was the goal, connection to higher self is the true goal of yoga, union. Release began there, that is the first step in healing, releasing all that no longer serves you.

More importantly for me I began waking up before everyone in my family and meditating. I couldn't turn on my computer, or the television with this prompt. It seemed my angels were diligent at nailing this message home! Understandably meditation is the key to my calm, I know, I've known it for decades, even if it is for only 5 minutes it's something and life (day) altering.

Then I was prompted to write, I was added to blogger group, I was inspired by writing groups but I started slowing with notes; when I was stressed out by anyone, I'd write it out, Why I was stressed, if there was anything I could do to change the situation, what would I like to outcome to be and the key was at the end to make a list of all the things I loved about the person "who was stressing me out".

To help my marriage I was led to a crazy amount of quotes and writings on love and relationships. I began to understand my husband was showing me my own lack of self worth, a part of my blueprint I came into this life to work through.

To help our relationship  I began playing the music each morning that my husband and I fell in love to during our courtship.

Each time he spewed venom at me I recognized it was my own beliefs coming back at me. It only hurt when I thought it was true.

Beautiful teachers and their lessons were being brought into my world via the internet and teachings were bringing me into a whole new understanding. Each time hubby stung me I had to look in the mirror, it was my truth, something I believed to be true about myself.

One teacher in particular said "if someone said Oh My God you look like a Chinese person! how would you respond?" I know I'd probably think the person had gone insane. Well this is how crazy I needed to think Hubby was when he said anything I perceived as an insult and you know what, it has worked.




My marriage is in such an amazing place, hubby can still have moods as any of us humans can but they are few and far between and instead of lasting for days they last only minutes. My response, usually a smile on the inside and to just love him through it. That's all any of us want, unconditional love despite our flaws. His reactions like any of us tend to come from our own place of stress and lack on inner peace. The more peaceful I am, the more he and everyone around me is.




When I do spend time with the ladies of my home I keep the conversation focused on all that is great in our lives, if they can't shake it, I convince them to put on music and shake it off, usually with the assistance of the kids. kids have a great way at bringing laughter and joy into a room!

To fall back in love with the country I was calling home I began my blog on all the things I love about living in India (which will continue because in truth the list is long!)

These were just some of the changes I implemented that really helped to bring a bit of balance back into my world. Perhaps I'll write more on the lessons that came forth but for now I leave you in a place of understanding what I did to bring me out of it.
Because where I am now is worth talking about so much more than where I was. 

It's why I prefer the question "how are you" verses "how have you been" keeping life centred in the present moment is one of my keys to inner peace.

Tell me are your habits aligned with your desires?


In Light and Love
Namaste

Admittedly I felt special

I've been quiet for sometime now, in fact I've attempted to write a few times but have been sidetracked by a lack of knowing what to say but I think you've gotten used to that now.

In truth I've been contemplating a farewell blog.

I've struggled for sometime with the content and direction of this blog. I joined a number of blogger support groups but that kinda backfired, I joined for inspiration what I got instead was the realization that there are so many people writing about their relationships with Indian men, their lives here in India with far more response and even making some good coin doing so it actually left me feeling more depleted.

When I began this adventure and my zest for sharing it there were only a couple of us writing on the subject, I felt I was offering something unique. Admittedly I felt special. But after reading so many great stories that I felt often explained my life quite unfiltered and eloquently I was even more done with the whole blogging sphere. Not to mention the amount of not for me bloggers that appeared to have huge followings despite their lack of proper grammer, spelling grievances and little to no maturity or depth in writing. I seriously couldn't help but question wth?

But life (the Universe/God) has a way of keeping you aligned with your highest truth and just as I was to say goodbye and put pen to paper so to speak I received a couple of impromptu messages from new fans. One confided she stayed up half the night despite being a new Mom and in desperate need of sleep because she felt I was speaking directly to her, that I had written for her to help ease all of her fears, to console all of her woes, to lift her spirits surrounding her new found intercultural life and spiritual awakening.

So here I am once again, rekindled to share my world via this blog. I had to go back to the beginning and read some of my own story and remember why I began blogging. It was for her, for you. If just one person finds an inkling of comfort in my words (other then my beloved Grandmother) then I am serving a higher source.

Now that I'm finally able to let go of my ego's grip on why I've been blogging I'm able to find inspiration from the beautiful souls in my blogging network, because of them I'm going to be less filtered, to continue to be truthful even if it's ugly and not to worry about my numbers, I'm not doing this as a "living" or a business like many of them I'm doing this because writing for me is therapeutic. 

Mine continues to be a spiritual journey, an awakening, an aligning. And just like my blogging I fell off that path so to speak. I was less committed to me and more committed to being a Mom, I was less committed to me and more committed to being a good "Indian" housewife. I was less committed to me and more committed to being an accepted bahu (Indian daughter in law) but after a rather long intense dark night of the soul I'm ready to commit back to being me. Just me, unfiltered and imperfect. A simple Canadian girl still trying to find balance in the chaos of India, throw in the dynamics of joint family life and two toddlers that sway back and forth between terrorists and starseed I hope it continues to inspire you.

I'll keep sharing my world with you and I hope you'll stay on board for the ride. I can't promise much and I have no direction where this will go, no agenda as to what this blog will be about and no schedule for my posts. My life is filled with many roles all of which are part of my spiritual (mis)adventures the only guarantee I can make is I'll blog when I can about whatever I think you may enjoying hearing about. The same commitment I made in the beginning.

If you'd like me to talk more about my dark night of the soul experience let me know, I've been in touch with many folks on a spiritual journey who have been going through similar experiences this year, if you'd be interested in sharing your story I'd LOVE to feature it along with mine...

In light and love,
~ Radhika

Christmas Indian Style...

It was not the first Christmas I've spent in India but it is the first one I attempted to make into a Christmas as similar as possible to my childhood experiences in Canada. By now you know I live in a holy town, it is the birth place and playing ground of one of the Hindu Gods, in other words nobody celebrates Christmas, I have never come across a Christian in these parts, I'm told there is a church in the next town over but I've never been to it. That being said it's not like I would have attended church in Canada either, in fact other than stories of Jesus's birth and carols related to it not very much of my Christmas celebration revolved around the religious aspects.

My mother arrived from Canada with my wish list for baking, craft supplies and a few items for the kids stockings and a toy I thought they'd each enjoy which is plenty for a two and three year old yet I found us out searching the local bazaar (market) for more. I desperately wanted more, more stuff to put under the tree. There was nothing! Toys that were of cheap quality, poorly constructed and not worth bartering over, Clothing for children here for winter is not at all like we have back in the west and I had to admit the kids cupboards are already stocked with more than enough great clothes to get them through the few months of cold weather. Not only could I not justify buying crap as if by divine intervention I couldn't even find one item worth purchasing. Except of course these silly Santa masks, which my almost two year old is still scared of.

I had to surrender and let go of the material conditioning that had become my norm for Christmas. In doing so I was able to recall what mattered most to me as a child at Christmas. Yes the presents were nice but I loved the feeling. The love that surrounded everyone and the magic that seemed to be everywhere. In true Christ nature it has always been about giving, so we opted to take a bunch of money in our pockets and walk the street handing it out to those in need. Interestingly we didn't find many people around but our pockets are still lined and each day that we venture out we keep our eyes and hearts open ready to give when needed. We invited the children of the house to come and do holiday art work for decorating our room, we feasted on treats and listened to carols.



I told them the story of Jesus's birth, they told me Jesus spent time in India. Wait. What? Yup many Indians believe that during the decades that were somehow omitted from the bible Jesus actually spent some time here in the far east, in fact there are many books written on the topic which I intend to read.




Watching the joy on my children's faces as they realized Santa had ate the cookies and drank the milk and left presents behind was priceless and the only gift I needed to make my Christmas the most magical ever.

Sharing love and opening ones heart to all of the joy that is this life, everyday, and not just for one commercialized season is what we all need more of in this world, after all "Christmas isn't a season, it's a feeling" 

Day Seventeen and Eighteen of my Challenge

The last two days of my challenge have been pretty awesome. I'm finding more flexibility on my mat, I am sleeping hard and not needing a nap with the babies during the day, Repose has been giving me the boost I need in the afternoon, everything seems a little calmer around me.

That being said last night I had a bit of a nightmare. First let me start by telling you I'm a vivid dreamer and have even accomplished a bit of lucid dreaming (taking control of dreams and consciously directing them, but that is rare). Dreams have hidden messages and usually have a way of showing us what needs to addressed in our world. Personally I have learnt great insights from them.

In last nights dream I was being held captive along with my children, there was no husband acknowledged in this dream. The children were to be released to my mother but I had to say good bye to them knowing I would be killed. I was crying but trying desperately not to alarm the kids, I was telling my son to be good to his sister and to always look out for her and take care of her. When the children were safe with my Mother I made my escape I could here my mother saying "I told you to stay put help is coming." Explaining to her "When there is an opportunity you have to take it and I can't wait hoping someone will save me," I ran with ease in and out of buildings, up and down stairs, through the night and into a foggy morning, I found myself at the beach. The 'bad guys' were still chasing me but I found a place to hide. I was scared but deep down I knew I was safe. They weren't going to be able to take me away, soon the sun would be out and I'd be reunited with my children, I laid hidden under blankets and tarps and just kept picturing my kids running towards me arms open, I could feel the joy the moment would bring.

When I woke this morning I held my sleeping babies and cried a little, the feeling of being kept apart from them was still a little raw, my husband bundled us all in his arms like a safe haven. The dream interprets itself I think and as I shared it the deep realization that its only my own lack of presence that keeps me from enjoying every single moment with these precious starseeds.

Ultimately that is what this challenge means to me. I want more presence in my world, presence equals vitality, equals time, equals love.

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Day Five of my Challenge - Heart palpitations and anxiety...I'm on the right path!

I awoke this morning with heart palpitations and I haven't really been able to shift this feeling of anxiety all day, Anxiety is not an uncommon presence in my world, for decades I have occasionally been confronted with the uneasiness associated with anxiety disorder, I have never medicated, I've always known on some level what the cause was i.e. unhappy at work, but this time the truth eludes me.

My cranky pants are still off (Yay) but there is the late afternoon/early evening "Oh My God somebody let me breath" but I'm so aware of its onset now I can catch it and Repose before it gets to out of control. The kids are getting a little more used to my 'Potent Pause' time, I tell them "Mommy needs five minutes!" If that doesn't work I resort to bribery "please give Mommy this time and then we can play whatever you want." or "I'll give you candy"

And if that doesn't work there is always the Mom I said I would never be, stick em in front of the TV or in my children's case the computer, they have no interest in the TV but put on YouTube and they'll sit there mesmerized for an hour, that is if I'm working around them but if I sit to talk on the phone or sip a cup of chai well that's a whole other story that every mother knows about :-) But today my friends they went outside and played giving me the time I needed so I didn't become Franken(stein)Mom. Can I get an Amen, or my town a HariBol!






I'm not sure what the anxiety is trying to communicate, obviously I still have a long way to go with this challenge. I guess I'm more disconnected from my higher self than I realized. So I'm embracing the anxiety with the understanding that it is a gateway. A gateway to a part of me that needs to be heard in order to achieve the balance within I am seeking, which is the primary reason I began this challenge, which actually leads me to believe I'm making headway. Is it possible to shift anxiety into excitement?

Day two of my Challenge

I am actually shocked by how cranky I am. Maybe I'm just more aware of it because of this challenge, I suppose it's a good thing, consciousness usually brings change, I just find it hard to believe I have been described as "annoyingly optimistic." I guess if you put me in a room with a dozen other folks I'd come across as one of the more positive people and sure the glass if half full but seriously today who wants to drink the rest of that crap?

 

So I'm accepting the fact that I'm a foul mood, I know it will pass, it better pass. In an effort to find some clarity as the day ends I turned to my last seven minutes of Repose for the day and searched for five thing I am grateful for:

1. Repose - the only place today I felt comfortable in my own body
2. My yoga mat, the session was ab pilates based and I was pissed during it but can admit now that I feel stronger through my core
3. Random kisses from my lovebugs, I think they understood mommy needed the extra lovin today
4. Sleep is around the corner
5. The countdown is on until my Mother arrives!

my challenge

I know I said I'd blog more about the Hindu festivals we just celebrated and I will but I am so pumped about embarking upon a challenge I couldn't wait another day to share my news with you.

I haven't been feeling good for sometime now, if you've been following my blog you know I attempted a year long Happiness Project at the start of the new year but since returning to India it has fallen to the way side. Its been a harder adjustment this time around, but that is a whole other blog! I do look over my notes and past posts as a reminder regularly and attempt to keep up with the things that make my heart smile but still there is a restlessness with me,beyond that there is actually an anger and longing inside of me. I've tried to figure out what I'm angry about but it has no logical reason that I can find, it just stirs and is volatile and I don't like who I become when it rears its ugly head.

I've learned to accept emotions but I do not choose to ride them, I refuse to sit around feeling sorry for myself but some days I just want to crawl into a hole so my only option is to get to the source, the truth. Fighting feelings has not worked in defusing them so in an attempt to ground myself and ride out the storm of negative thoughts directed both inwards and outwards I am embarking on this challenge.

More importantly I don't want my children to grow up with a stressed out Mom, especially when I can't think of one reason to be stressed in my life. My life is pretty laid back on so many levels as far as "nothing to do" goes. I live in a culture that places little to no stress on time, I'm married to a wonderful man who's motto is "tension is for giving not taking" in other words don't stress about anything leave it for others. My life is pretty relaxed, each day brings what it will without much effort or planning, yet for some reason I am resistant to it all.

I get cranky daily around the same time and have tried everything from taking naps, changing food habits to playing soothing music yet I find myself yelling and pulling my hair out by late afternoon/early evening. I keep telling myself somethings gotta give, if only someone would take the kids for an hour, if only there was more to do in my small town, if only someone could help me figure this out...if only..if only. Today that all changes!

No one can save me but me, I've always known this and taught it to my clients but lately I've lost touch with being my own hero and I've been blaming others and my circumstances for my uneasiness. The first time I ever traveled to India I left after three months a deeper more peaceful version of myself. Shanti is the Hindi word for peaceful and I want that shanti me back! My life has changed dramatically since that first trip seven years ago and I've also slipped away from the very things that helped to bring that inner peace, with two small children I don't have the ability to live the way I once did but there are a few simple things I can do.

So today my friends I am committing back to me. For the sake of all those I love.



I'm starting with two initiatives the first is a thirty day "Repose" challenge, It is a book written by dear friends of mine that offers a simple technique of laying outstretched as shown in this photo three times a day for seven minutes each in what is referred to as a Potent Pause. It is a receptive opening of the body that is said to relieve stress, aches and pains and increase energy, its free and easy so totally worth a try!

My second challenge to get back to yoga, this will be a much larger challenge then a mere Thirty days in fact it will last the better part of a year since I will explore the entire eight limbs of yoga as per the original teachings of Pantanjali the grandfather and first teacher of yoga. Asana, Hatha or what we know in the west as getting on our mat is the physical practice but what most don't realize is it's but a small fraction of Yoga.



I will blog as often as possible about the experience I hope you tune in regularly I'd love to have you along for this adventure...

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection"

You are always with yourself you you might as well enjoy the company...

As per February's resolution to cultivate more self love I'm not sure if I fully accomplished the task I set out to do but I am definitely more mindful of the negative self talk and more apt to shut it down before it gets out of hand. I still see flaws when I look at my reflection but more often I catch myself making eye contact with my soul, the twinkle of recognition takes only seconds now and more often then not this connection deters the wandering eye of judgement.

Self love for me is not only internal, although a large portion of it, but it is also taking pride in my physical body. Living in a traditional Indian town sexy isn't really a way of life. I've had to look for new ways to feel sexy because the clothing that helped the task along in the past is no longer an option, nor would I choose it. I, like you, am bombarded by images of what I've been programmed to believe is sexy, maybe even more so by Bollywood., scantly clad women with professional make up and groomers, it can leave me feeling inferior which I know it shouldn't but I'm being honest with you and even more importantly working through it. I've been making an effort to bring sexy back but in a grown sexy way (yes I just quoted someone from the Bachelor and yes I'm ashamed, lol) Grown sexy for me is a way of finding ways to be sexy as a Mom and as a wife of a man who has no desire to see me out in public it tight fitting clothes showing cleavage or bare legs. I have a girlfriend who is Muslim and I draw inspiration from her, she chooses to wear a burka although she lives in Canada and her husband doesn't demand it. She chooses this dress because according to her it makes her feel 'mysterious and incredibly sexy" she loves the fact that her husband is the only man who will ever know the true beauty of her body.

That being said I'm on a quest to be a little more yummy mommy and a little less frumpy mommy, so I'm shaving my legs more frequently, I even purchased some panties that aren't of the cotton brief variety after reading somewhere that 'you'll feel sexier if you feeeeel sexier underneath.' Don't get me wrong  I do understand that sexy and beautiful have more to do with your state of mind than anything material you can adorn but I have to admit I feel better when I look down at my hairless legs. Imagine the glow when I manage get out of my pajamas and style my hair :)

The reality is we live in a material world and I have decades of programming to work through. For now as long as their are mirrors around me the material aspect of my appearance will play a roll, albeit a small one. Taking pride in ones appearance is a balance and a good thing I think. I spend most days running around without makeup and my hair thrown back in a ponytail and I'm cool with that, I don't feel any less loving towards myself on those days but I've discovered taking care of my physical body is a part of loving myself.

A big part of cultivating self love has been looking at what I love so much in those around me. Laughter is beauty and not taking things, especially myself, so seriously. Kindness and a positive disposition is love manifested and there is nothing better than dancing for no reason at all. Moving forward will involve feeding myself the same loving kindness I afford my loved ones, being gentle with myself and indulging in even more things that make me feel  taken care of.

With March approaching I'm shifting my focus to work with a mantra of "aim higher!" I have my hands in a lot of pots and need to reorganize, let go, start up and finish. Are you spending your days at a job that brings you happiness? Is there another field you wish you were working in? Did you make your career choices based on your passions? Is there a whisper in your heart that you need to pursue?

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A cure for the Monday blues ~ clap along...

Pharrell Williams song "Happy" has become a theme song in our home. My children are as addicted to it as me. If you haven't heard it have a listen to the link below. It is is incredibly refreshing, this day in age especially since my move to India I've been having a hard time connecting to mainstream western music, sadly I find the same theme beginning in Indian culture I find its all to often about sex, drugs or money and as of late not many songs can put a smile on my face which is a shame because music can play an important role in shaping our mood . But low and behold this little gem is soaring to popularity with a message that fits my goal of this year; more happiness. Pharrell is actually promoting happiness from within, not from finding someone to love, or having more money than he knows what to do with and most importantly not from partying the night way with alcohol and drugs.

Act the way you want to feel has been an important lesson for me this year. If you want more energy you have pretend you already have it, i.e. you may not feel much like exercising but once you drag your arse off the sofa and do it you'll feel revitalized. I'm not talking about being fake but if you want to be happy you have to act happy until happiness becomes your natural state of being.

I'm posting this on a Monday for a couple of reasons but mostly to put a smile on the faces of any of you who are suffering from Monday blues. I've been there, almost depressed about having to start the week all over again. That's when I began making changes, so I ask if you do have Monday blahs ask yourself Why? Is it a little bit of laziness? That's okay it happens to all of us. Do you wish you could put the covers over your head and stay in bed? Why? Is it a genuine disdain the work you have to do today? One of the most profound questions I asked myself was why I had to work five days a week and play for two, I quickly made other arrangements (on a side note the money followed.) If you don't like how you have to spend the majority of your time  why do you do it?

Life is short and we have thousands of excuses to not do what makes us the happiest but are any of them valid? Are any worth it? They say "Happiness is the journey not the destination" for me this means we live our happiness every single day in all that we do! Don't get me wrong, there will be ups and downs I'm not a complete Pollyanna but many people don't even know what truly makes them happy. In the song below Pharrell sings "clap your hands if you know what happiness is to you?" What would make you the happiest? Once you know the only thing left to do is take the steps to make happiness the journey of your life?

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Does the response to the ups and downs reflect your truth?

I had a lot of response to my last blog and I'd like to thank everyone who reached out. So many of you shared your inner most thoughts with me about how you too are feeling unbalanced right now; some called it itchy feet syndrome others not knowing if they wanted to run away from or run to something. The truth is our world is shifting rapidly and for those of us who are sensitive to energy everything swirling around us can be a little overwhelming.

I had a dear friend offer me advice she said "the adventure you seek is what you live every day. How boring life would be without ups and downs and how would you move to the next step or phase in life if you did not have to struggle with decisions, dreams and goals, you are not unbalanced you are living your life..." and while I appreciate her words and agree with the simplicity of what she states I feel like what I have been trying to get across in my previous blogs may have been lost on some.

I would never expect a world without ups and downs, the unbalance comes into play when my reaction to the "ups and downs" doesn't reflect the truth of who I am. I have tasted inner peace within the eye of the storm; I'm not talking about being void of emotion but rather having genuine feelings. Stress is NOT and emotion, stress is a response creadted in the mind by an unhealthy ego. The unbalanced feeling I'm talking about is a combination of stress reaction to things that normally wouldn't ruffle me and an uneasiness somehwere deep in my core,

The adventure of everyday life is beautiful but I seek adventure beyond the everyday (that is pretty evident considering I picked up and moved to the other side of the world and live in a culture completely opposite to the one I was raised in.) I chalk it up to being a Sagittarius its part of our DNA/starseed makeup, who we are at our most authentic self. With so many changes that transpired so quickly I allowed myself to fall into a routine to please those around me and I know routine doesn't work for me. Conformity has never been my suit. I get it now that by not seeking adventure it wasn't going to present itself and being a mother now adventure will take on a different perspective so my friends advice rings true for me. Adventure can be found daily if you allow yourself to look for it and feel life as an adventure.

When I'm in touch with my heart which is my core truth it becomes easy to remain balanced; dreams and goals are obvious and nothing can deter my path, there is no struggle with decisions because they come from my soul, my heart, a centered mind. After the breakdown I spoke of in my last blog I continued to have "break throughs" and a deeper understanding that no one is responsible for my life except me, not my husband, not my child, if I want to feel balanced I need to get back in touch with my self. I know the tools that work for me yet I was using every excuse I could think of to avoid them. I could no longer hush the whsipers of my heart and a new routine has been born. I'm starting my days with conscious intention, fortunately my son already has the habit of going down with a bottle one hour after waking which affords me enough time to go on my mat or exercise in some form and have a little meditation. I've been listening to prompts when it comes to food and drinking a tonne more water. I continue to treat my pregnant body with tastey snacks but the majority of my eating habits consist of whole foods that I know nourish my body. I began connecting back to the elemental energies I've trusted thoughout my life, allowing them to guide and encourage me. During some lucid dreaming with these beautiful beings of light I was given a message "each individual must bring about integration between the spiritual self and the emotional self before there can be wholeness." I understood instantly this is exactly what I have been working through, why I have been feeling "unbalanced." I've done copious amounts of work on my spiritual side but my emotional self was often being robbed. I would disregard my own feelings sweeping them under the proverbal rug, so now when I feel like crying I allow it, when I want to scream I hold a pillow over my mounth and let er rip, whatever I need to do to feel and release I allow it knowing it is all a gateway to higher truth.

I make a point as I mentioned to make sure the emotional response is genunie and not just a conditioned or an egoic reaction to a situation or circumstance and I think it's been quite eye opening delving into what I am feeling and questioning if it is sincere or conditioned. I'm keeping track of some of my interpretations and I'll share them with you in a blog soon....


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