Aligning habits aligned with desires

I've been torn over what to write about next. There are so many aspects of my life that would like a voice but yet each day since my last blog when I sat at my computer I drew a blank, what do I really want to put out here now?

I don't like to rehash the past but I think it's an important aspect of my journey and a few of you have expressed interest in understanding a dark night experience.

I came across this great article this week on Dark Night of the Soul that may help you to understand what I and maybe even you have experienced.

My dark night was intense and long, not the first one I've ever experienced but the longest and most challenging. It essentially challenged every aspect of my life and while for the most part it has lifted, I'm still working through processing all of the information and implementing the changes that have to occur in order for me to find the one thing I've been praying for; Inner Peace.

It's a lofty prayer, filled with so much interpretation. When people come to visit me or join in on our of our Spiritual Adventures at our Guesthouse there is one particular temple we always try to fit in. This temple is renowned in India for having your prayers answered. I can attest; my marriage to my Indian love, my babies, trips to Canada all manifested within a short period of time after being present within this sacred space, the auspicious energy of the area and deity can be felt and I have no doubt it is a vortex.

Over the last year my prayer has been for lasting inner peace. When I think of inner peace I think of a relaxed life, where everything just kinda flows easy breezy. I don't expect that life will be perfect all the time but my prayers have simply been to bring that sense of joy and ease back into my world.

Like anything inner peace is possible but it takes work, inner work, and continuous practice. 

My dark night was a deep cleaning of sorts. First I had to recognize all of the patterns that have kept me from my peace. The thing is if you're willing to see them, you'll then notice that everything and everyone around you that is negative or disturbing is merely a reflection of your own truth. This can be a hard pill to swallow. I wasn't sure what to do with the information being tossed at me.

My honeymoon with the country I call home ended. I began to see the injustice, the poverty, the pollution, the patriarchal society that I had agreed to raise my children in. I was feeling overwhelmed and very alone.

My marriage began to suffer. It seemed that no matter what I said or did my husband wasn't happy with me. In one moment he was supportive and filled with love and next irate or withdrawn. I began to walk on egg shells around him, worried that I would set off one of his moods.

I felt I could only connect with the women of my house if I was complaining about something, so I shared my list of grievances with them, often. Negativity is like cancer when it spreads and I was consumed.

The stress was taking a toll on my health physically and mentally. I was no longer able to focus and really my children where the ones who were suffering at my lack of light which only intensified the darkness surrounding me.

I began to sink into an anxiety filled depression.

I read somewhere depression is when are thoughts are in the past and anxiety is when our thoughts are in the future. Check and Check!

I was spending a lot of time wondering how I would survive and be happy again in this country, in my marriage, in this world. I was also growing increasingly resentful of all I had left behind in Canada to be here. Never a good cycle.

I did the only thing I could, I turned to prayer. I prayed for direction, for connection to truth, for the inner peace I longed to experience again, and I opened up to see, hear and feel the truth.

See the thing is messages are everywhere and once I began to remember that it is all God the messages began to pour in. The universe began showing me what I needed to do. Angels were guiding me back home, back into my light, my alignment.

I started by getting back on my yoga mat. I started there because that was where I was when I wsas my happiest, my most connected. Twenty minutes was the goal, connection to higher self is the true goal of yoga, union. Release began there, that is the first step in healing, releasing all that no longer serves you.

More importantly for me I began waking up before everyone in my family and meditating. I couldn't turn on my computer, or the television with this prompt. It seemed my angels were diligent at nailing this message home! Understandably meditation is the key to my calm, I know, I've known it for decades, even if it is for only 5 minutes it's something and life (day) altering.

Then I was prompted to write, I was added to blogger group, I was inspired by writing groups but I started slowing with notes; when I was stressed out by anyone, I'd write it out, Why I was stressed, if there was anything I could do to change the situation, what would I like to outcome to be and the key was at the end to make a list of all the things I loved about the person "who was stressing me out".

To help my marriage I was led to a crazy amount of quotes and writings on love and relationships. I began to understand my husband was showing me my own lack of self worth, a part of my blueprint I came into this life to work through.

To help our relationship  I began playing the music each morning that my husband and I fell in love to during our courtship.

Each time he spewed venom at me I recognized it was my own beliefs coming back at me. It only hurt when I thought it was true.

Beautiful teachers and their lessons were being brought into my world via the internet and teachings were bringing me into a whole new understanding. Each time hubby stung me I had to look in the mirror, it was my truth, something I believed to be true about myself.

One teacher in particular said "if someone said Oh My God you look like a Chinese person! how would you respond?" I know I'd probably think the person had gone insane. Well this is how crazy I needed to think Hubby was when he said anything I perceived as an insult and you know what, it has worked.




My marriage is in such an amazing place, hubby can still have moods as any of us humans can but they are few and far between and instead of lasting for days they last only minutes. My response, usually a smile on the inside and to just love him through it. That's all any of us want, unconditional love despite our flaws. His reactions like any of us tend to come from our own place of stress and lack on inner peace. The more peaceful I am, the more he and everyone around me is.




When I do spend time with the ladies of my home I keep the conversation focused on all that is great in our lives, if they can't shake it, I convince them to put on music and shake it off, usually with the assistance of the kids. kids have a great way at bringing laughter and joy into a room!

To fall back in love with the country I was calling home I began my blog on all the things I love about living in India (which will continue because in truth the list is long!)

These were just some of the changes I implemented that really helped to bring a bit of balance back into my world. Perhaps I'll write more on the lessons that came forth but for now I leave you in a place of understanding what I did to bring me out of it.
Because where I am now is worth talking about so much more than where I was. 

It's why I prefer the question "how are you" verses "how have you been" keeping life centred in the present moment is one of my keys to inner peace.

Tell me are your habits aligned with your desires?


In Light and Love
Namaste