Open and waiting for guidance...

I wish I could say it's been easy since I did the parikarma of my town, that I woke up the following morning filled with vitality and joy and everything just fell into place. That my world has been nothing but sunshine and butterflies. Well actually there has been a lot of sunshine a little to much. Indian summers have the same affect on me as Canadian winters. In both cases one tends to be housebound. For months it has been too hot to really get out and enjoy the world around me but at the same time I recognize those are just circumstances, and if one allows circumstances and/or situations to determine their happiness or inner peace then effort is futile. Blaming the weather for any of my emotions or discomforts is remaining in victim mode.

*For those of you interested in ways to break out of Victim Mentality here is a link to a great article with some helpful hints!

In truth while the sun blazes outside my work is inside, inside of me. The sun in all of its power has a ton of healing properties and I'm tapping into the energy of the sun and cycles of the moon to assist me on this aligning journey but more on that in future blogs.

Me Hiking the Inca Trail

In all honesty this is proving to be the biggest undertaking I've encountered thus far in my life, and I've trekked the Andes! The continuous bombardment in my mind of random thoughts are wasted energy. I once remember a teacher from Brahma Kumaris when asked how she could possibly look so young and have so much vitality at such an old age, she was in her 90's and keeping a schedule that most thirty year old's would tire from, and she replied that she didn't "waste thoughts"

Have you ever taken a moment, an hour, or  day to listen to your thoughts? It can be exhausting! They say the average person has between 50 000 to 70 000 thoughts per day that is 35 to 48 thoughts per minute!

Reining in my thoughts is just one of the keys to finding the inner peace that continue to allude me. Also getting a handle on my reactions. Now I'm not talking about not honouring my emotions I simply mean I do not want my emotions to control me and the way I treat  those around me.

I've been understanding more how important our emotions are, any perceived negative emotion is simply a guidepost to let us know we are no longer aligned with source, our higher self. And while the knowledge of this truth is an essential stepping stone for growth it does not eradicate the fact that I have been feeling A LOT of anger, surges of it in fact. Often around the same time, late afternoon early evening, I literally want to strangle somebody, or beat any body that comes near my space. But see I have two small children that are almost always in my space so it makes it very difficult to move past and I will not allow myself to have them be the grunt of the onslaught of this raw emotion.

So I am looking for helpful ways to diffuse and release and am completely open to your suggestions

One friend suggested punching pillows, I've tried it, doesn't work for me. And in truth I don't want my kids to see me that angry and  think that somehow they are the cause for Mommy's hatred of the moment.

Another friend offered that perhaps I was absorbing the anger of those around me. It's true, I am an empath in many ways, and it is correct that my husband's angry reputation is reputed in our town so perhaps I am absorbing the anger that is still inside of him yet consciously he now has far more control over. But I was angry long before he was ever even in my life. I can remember an Osteopath well over a decade ago informing me I had a lot of "anger stored inside", an acupuncturist made the same comment during our sessions and even the Swami that I first studied with here in India told me while I had a "beautiful heart filled with an enormous amount of love there was some deep anger in my cells that needed to be released."

So it brings me back to square one. My favourite teacher of the moment is Bentinho Massaro and the latest lesson I watched on youtube he proposed when you feel something negative instead of wishing it away say Hell Yeah! Bring it on, it's pointing to a place where you are not aligned and that is a beautiful thing, the question to ask is "okay so where do I go next with it?"

So I sit, open and waiting to receive the guidance needed in this next phase of my journey, perhaps one of you holds the answer...

A picture taken before marriage in Rishikesh a time when I felt more at peace then ever before in my life

~ In Love and Light Sweet Souls

Follow @1balancedsoul

Aligning habits aligned with desires

I've been torn over what to write about next. There are so many aspects of my life that would like a voice but yet each day since my last blog when I sat at my computer I drew a blank, what do I really want to put out here now?

I don't like to rehash the past but I think it's an important aspect of my journey and a few of you have expressed interest in understanding a dark night experience.

I came across this great article this week on Dark Night of the Soul that may help you to understand what I and maybe even you have experienced.

My dark night was intense and long, not the first one I've ever experienced but the longest and most challenging. It essentially challenged every aspect of my life and while for the most part it has lifted, I'm still working through processing all of the information and implementing the changes that have to occur in order for me to find the one thing I've been praying for; Inner Peace.

It's a lofty prayer, filled with so much interpretation. When people come to visit me or join in on our of our Spiritual Adventures at our Guesthouse there is one particular temple we always try to fit in. This temple is renowned in India for having your prayers answered. I can attest; my marriage to my Indian love, my babies, trips to Canada all manifested within a short period of time after being present within this sacred space, the auspicious energy of the area and deity can be felt and I have no doubt it is a vortex.

Over the last year my prayer has been for lasting inner peace. When I think of inner peace I think of a relaxed life, where everything just kinda flows easy breezy. I don't expect that life will be perfect all the time but my prayers have simply been to bring that sense of joy and ease back into my world.

Like anything inner peace is possible but it takes work, inner work, and continuous practice. 

My dark night was a deep cleaning of sorts. First I had to recognize all of the patterns that have kept me from my peace. The thing is if you're willing to see them, you'll then notice that everything and everyone around you that is negative or disturbing is merely a reflection of your own truth. This can be a hard pill to swallow. I wasn't sure what to do with the information being tossed at me.

My honeymoon with the country I call home ended. I began to see the injustice, the poverty, the pollution, the patriarchal society that I had agreed to raise my children in. I was feeling overwhelmed and very alone.

My marriage began to suffer. It seemed that no matter what I said or did my husband wasn't happy with me. In one moment he was supportive and filled with love and next irate or withdrawn. I began to walk on egg shells around him, worried that I would set off one of his moods.

I felt I could only connect with the women of my house if I was complaining about something, so I shared my list of grievances with them, often. Negativity is like cancer when it spreads and I was consumed.

The stress was taking a toll on my health physically and mentally. I was no longer able to focus and really my children where the ones who were suffering at my lack of light which only intensified the darkness surrounding me.

I began to sink into an anxiety filled depression.

I read somewhere depression is when are thoughts are in the past and anxiety is when our thoughts are in the future. Check and Check!

I was spending a lot of time wondering how I would survive and be happy again in this country, in my marriage, in this world. I was also growing increasingly resentful of all I had left behind in Canada to be here. Never a good cycle.

I did the only thing I could, I turned to prayer. I prayed for direction, for connection to truth, for the inner peace I longed to experience again, and I opened up to see, hear and feel the truth.

See the thing is messages are everywhere and once I began to remember that it is all God the messages began to pour in. The universe began showing me what I needed to do. Angels were guiding me back home, back into my light, my alignment.

I started by getting back on my yoga mat. I started there because that was where I was when I wsas my happiest, my most connected. Twenty minutes was the goal, connection to higher self is the true goal of yoga, union. Release began there, that is the first step in healing, releasing all that no longer serves you.

More importantly for me I began waking up before everyone in my family and meditating. I couldn't turn on my computer, or the television with this prompt. It seemed my angels were diligent at nailing this message home! Understandably meditation is the key to my calm, I know, I've known it for decades, even if it is for only 5 minutes it's something and life (day) altering.

Then I was prompted to write, I was added to blogger group, I was inspired by writing groups but I started slowing with notes; when I was stressed out by anyone, I'd write it out, Why I was stressed, if there was anything I could do to change the situation, what would I like to outcome to be and the key was at the end to make a list of all the things I loved about the person "who was stressing me out".

To help my marriage I was led to a crazy amount of quotes and writings on love and relationships. I began to understand my husband was showing me my own lack of self worth, a part of my blueprint I came into this life to work through.

To help our relationship  I began playing the music each morning that my husband and I fell in love to during our courtship.

Each time he spewed venom at me I recognized it was my own beliefs coming back at me. It only hurt when I thought it was true.

Beautiful teachers and their lessons were being brought into my world via the internet and teachings were bringing me into a whole new understanding. Each time hubby stung me I had to look in the mirror, it was my truth, something I believed to be true about myself.

One teacher in particular said "if someone said Oh My God you look like a Chinese person! how would you respond?" I know I'd probably think the person had gone insane. Well this is how crazy I needed to think Hubby was when he said anything I perceived as an insult and you know what, it has worked.




My marriage is in such an amazing place, hubby can still have moods as any of us humans can but they are few and far between and instead of lasting for days they last only minutes. My response, usually a smile on the inside and to just love him through it. That's all any of us want, unconditional love despite our flaws. His reactions like any of us tend to come from our own place of stress and lack on inner peace. The more peaceful I am, the more he and everyone around me is.




When I do spend time with the ladies of my home I keep the conversation focused on all that is great in our lives, if they can't shake it, I convince them to put on music and shake it off, usually with the assistance of the kids. kids have a great way at bringing laughter and joy into a room!

To fall back in love with the country I was calling home I began my blog on all the things I love about living in India (which will continue because in truth the list is long!)

These were just some of the changes I implemented that really helped to bring a bit of balance back into my world. Perhaps I'll write more on the lessons that came forth but for now I leave you in a place of understanding what I did to bring me out of it.
Because where I am now is worth talking about so much more than where I was. 

It's why I prefer the question "how are you" verses "how have you been" keeping life centred in the present moment is one of my keys to inner peace.

Tell me are your habits aligned with your desires?


In Light and Love
Namaste

Wednesday's Wisdom

Wednesday's Wisdom

I am as guilty as the next person getting caught up in the day to day goings on of life and not cultivating the time to do what my soul aches to do.

Why is it we often forgo doing that which is good for our soul?

Why do we put it off until we are on vacation,  have alone time, less work or a different living condition, etc.?

I haven't been able to figure out the answers to the questions I've posed, perhaps its conditioning, or it somehow feels easier to go against what feels great. Maybe we feel it needs to be saved as a reward for our hard work. Whatever the reason I am vowing from this point forward to do more of what feels good for my soul! 

Doing what is good for our soul, in my humble opinion is the purpose of our existence. It is why we are here, to enjoy and connect to that authentic part of ourselves that comes alive when take the time to listen to our soul prompts.

I'm going to share my experience on my facebook page and twitter account with the hashtag #goodforthesoul I hope you will too, perhaps we can inspire one another!

Will you join me in this mission!?

Follow @1balancedsoul

A list of things I love about life in India...9 Temples

Number 9 on my list of  things I love about Life in India is...

Temples

There is something magical about the temples of India. For me they have become sanctuaries. I honestly believe to cultivate a relationship with higher self, God, source, the universe whatever you want to call it you do not need anything but the stillness of your mind and the whispers of your heart. But the energy around you can either support or thwart your spiritual growth. Where I live in India there are over 5000 ancient temples and many new modern ones. Many of these structures have become sanctuaries for me. A place of refuge, a space where I can absorb some pretty beautiful positive vibes and enjoy the peaceful, or intense bhakti energy, depending on my mood determines the temple I visit at any given time.

When I want entertainment, fun and tasty cake I visit ISKCON; the Hare Krishna temple as we would refer to it in North America, here in my town it is called the "Angrez Mandir" which literally translates to the "foreigner temple." Most locals don't attend this temple but it was one of my first experiences with deity worship and someday I'll share the story but I feel I have a bond there, plus its often the only time I see other white people!



I'll admit to my Christian friends I sometimes feel like Jesus did in Matthew 21:12 "And Jesus entered the temple and drove out all those who were buying and selling in the temple and overturned the tables of the money changers and seats of those who were selling doves. And he said to the them "It is written, MY HOUSE SHALL BE CALLED A HOUSE OF PRAYER"; but you are making it a ROBBERS DEN." when I enter this temple sometimes I'm saddened and disgusted how God is for sale but then it's not my place to judge if I want to live true to ancient texts. So instead I view it for what it is to me; a place of connection, a bhakti high and a source of entertainment all in the name of divine love.

Here is a video clip from the Kirtan that takes place daily;

Then there are the quiet out of the way temples that many outsiders don't even hear about, ones that feel so ancient and are picturesque to me of what India looks like. Your soul can't help but be transported to a deeper more knowing place of love and connection.

I always find in these lesser known temples there is a sense of history,I can feel the energy that existed long before I did. I often feel like I'm transported back in time, it brings out the spiritual adventurer in me.

I've been privileged being married to a local, some of these temples are tucked away and one may not even realize it's a place of worship. I feel blessed to be exposed to their beauty and gifted with their energy.

And I know this will sound a little strange but when the deity connects with me, through eye contact, a wink or even a smile, words whisper from my heart and I know I'm on the right path. Many of these powerful beacons call to my heart and I can't get them out of my head until I visit, whenever I heed the call and find my way to them I'm usually gifted with a new insight into my world, my life and my true nature.




"You may pray for an hour and still not pray. You may meet God for a moment and then be in touch with him all day." ~ Fredrik Wisloff

"In worship an increased power steals its way into your heart, an increased compassion grows in the soul. To worship is to change." ~ Richard J Foster

I lead a number of retreats yearly in our Holy Area exploring the off the beat temples and sacred areas most travel guides don't even mention, if you'd like more information make sure to "like" and "follow" Balanced Soul on facebook or email 1balancedsoul@gmail.com


There is still more to come in this series be sure to check back regularly...

Follow @1balancedsoul

A list of things I love about living in India...7 Health Care

When compiling this list some of the things that came to mind were actually quite surprising, in this case number seven might even bewilder some of you.

Health Care

It shouldn't be a shock considering some of the best doctors we have in North America are of Indian decent. I'll admit it was overwhelming to me the first time I went to the doctor here in my Holy town; the line ups, lack of scheduled appointments, crowd of other patients in the examination room, others attempting to peek in past the curtain awaiting their turn, it seemed like chaos as I waited for them to call my number, on the verge of tears I was ready to run back to Canada.



Then I met the doctor, I was there because I was pregnant and had been suffering with loose motion for four days. She was quick to assess, checking only my eyes and tongue then writing her prescription. There were five items, I was kinda pissed, worse then my Canadian doctor who thinks antibiotics is a cure for hunger!

I refused to allow my husband to purchase any of the medicines until I did some research online. Turned out she had only prescribed one "medicine" similar to a pepto bismal, other four were an Iron, B12, Folic Acid combination for my pregnancy, as well as a protein powder supplement, we are vegetarians and this would be a normal suggestion among most medical professionals. Electrolytes to keep me from dehydrating and acidophilus which was to help the good bacteria in my system. Having relied heavily on naturopaths in Canada I was thrilled to meet a Medical Doctor who apparently understood healing with nutrition! Because of my experience I chose to have her deliver my second child in India and she delivered via c-section in less than 20 minutes.

While my encounters with Indian doctors have been positive I have butted heads. One of my first trips to India left me feeling quite ill after a few weeks of being here. For two weeks I battled loose motion then developed a cough and cold. I was doing an Ayurvedic course and after two weeks of being ill, but still in great spirits I might add, the doctor looked me in the eye and said "it's all in your head."  How dare he, I cried in my room. I was doing everything I was told, eating the right foods, resting during the prescribed time, enduring the treatments, I didn't know why I wasn't getting better but I sure as hell knew it wasn't in my head!

Years later and living in this culture I get it. The doctors and my husband have taught me about honoring my body but not agonizing in it. Nobody believes that laying around feeling sorry, telling yourself over and over again how sick you are is going to help you feel better. You need to focus your mind on feeling good, I don't always succeed at this but I'm getting better.  They believe the best medicine is sunshine, it's key to a healthy body, along with fresh home cooked foods and lots of warm water. That topped with what my Mom always taught me; let a fever run its course, do not to push yourself especially when your sick, don't feel guilty if you don't "get it all done today" and always find time for naps :)

I've always said finding a balance between east and west would make for a perfect life, and this is what I've been striving for since my move to India and while my health is still not where I'd like it to be, it is heading in the right direction!


More to come in this series, and I'd love to hear from you what you love about the place you live?

Follow @1balancedsoul

Day Four of my Challenge ~ talking to the drunken monkeys

Day four has arrived and the cranky pants feel more like comfy yoga pants today. The only thing that has created tension for me throughout the day are my wonderful allergies! We moved into our new space within our joint family home nearly two months ago, this means I no longer share a kitchen with my mother in law or a bathroom with a number of family members and visitors on any given day. It's a move I've been looking forward to for a VERY long time and as much as I LOVE my new space it appears I'm allergic to something in the room,

I've had allergy like symptoms pretty much every day since the move. The problem is I have no known allergies, excepts cats and there are no cats in my room!? Thankfully nobody else seems to be afflicted. I am working with an Ayurvedic doctor but he doesn't actually do treatments, he just continues to give me herbal medicine and puts restraints on my diet but I'm not finding any relief. In the past I've had huge success with Ayurveda but it has always involved treatments of some kind so I'm praying for someone in this town to appear with the cure!

The spiritual side of me knows there is something going on that needs to resolved in order to alleviate the symptoms but for the life of me I don't know what that is. Its hard to remain in a good mood when they are flared anybody who has every suffered with allergies can understand, the constant drip and itchy eyes and nose is exhausting. Today was the worst they've been and the last thing I wanted to do was get on my yoga mat but then hubby treated me to a wonderful surprise; he took the kids this evening so I could recharge and catch my breath, literally. He even told me not to prepare anything for dinner he'd bring something from our favorite restaurant!

It has been a little piece of bliss, a much needed break. I was able to get on my mat and I wasn't a toddler jungle gym for once, it was heavenly. I forgot how truly into yourself you can get with a yoga practice I've been so used to having a bit of a distraction, either kids crawling all over me or if I wait for their nap fear that the babies will wake up before I finish. But today there was just me, my mat, my breath and of course the drunken moneys clamouring in my head for attention.

Today I was able to take time to give the anger (monkey) I've been feeling a voice. I discovered anger rears its ugly head out of frustration. I love my kids but two toddlers is exhausting, in Canada my Mom, Grandmother or my Bestie would gladly keep my kids occupied for an hour so I could breath but its just not the way in Indian culture, the mother is expected to do it all, without complaint, But I'm now understanding if I don't get/take time for me I'm no good to them and I think hubby is starting to understand this too.

I am in deep gratitude for this moment and the truth is I'm starting to miss them, what a beautiful feeling.

my challenge

I know I said I'd blog more about the Hindu festivals we just celebrated and I will but I am so pumped about embarking upon a challenge I couldn't wait another day to share my news with you.

I haven't been feeling good for sometime now, if you've been following my blog you know I attempted a year long Happiness Project at the start of the new year but since returning to India it has fallen to the way side. Its been a harder adjustment this time around, but that is a whole other blog! I do look over my notes and past posts as a reminder regularly and attempt to keep up with the things that make my heart smile but still there is a restlessness with me,beyond that there is actually an anger and longing inside of me. I've tried to figure out what I'm angry about but it has no logical reason that I can find, it just stirs and is volatile and I don't like who I become when it rears its ugly head.

I've learned to accept emotions but I do not choose to ride them, I refuse to sit around feeling sorry for myself but some days I just want to crawl into a hole so my only option is to get to the source, the truth. Fighting feelings has not worked in defusing them so in an attempt to ground myself and ride out the storm of negative thoughts directed both inwards and outwards I am embarking on this challenge.

More importantly I don't want my children to grow up with a stressed out Mom, especially when I can't think of one reason to be stressed in my life. My life is pretty laid back on so many levels as far as "nothing to do" goes. I live in a culture that places little to no stress on time, I'm married to a wonderful man who's motto is "tension is for giving not taking" in other words don't stress about anything leave it for others. My life is pretty relaxed, each day brings what it will without much effort or planning, yet for some reason I am resistant to it all.

I get cranky daily around the same time and have tried everything from taking naps, changing food habits to playing soothing music yet I find myself yelling and pulling my hair out by late afternoon/early evening. I keep telling myself somethings gotta give, if only someone would take the kids for an hour, if only there was more to do in my small town, if only someone could help me figure this out...if only..if only. Today that all changes!

No one can save me but me, I've always known this and taught it to my clients but lately I've lost touch with being my own hero and I've been blaming others and my circumstances for my uneasiness. The first time I ever traveled to India I left after three months a deeper more peaceful version of myself. Shanti is the Hindi word for peaceful and I want that shanti me back! My life has changed dramatically since that first trip seven years ago and I've also slipped away from the very things that helped to bring that inner peace, with two small children I don't have the ability to live the way I once did but there are a few simple things I can do.

So today my friends I am committing back to me. For the sake of all those I love.



I'm starting with two initiatives the first is a thirty day "Repose" challenge, It is a book written by dear friends of mine that offers a simple technique of laying outstretched as shown in this photo three times a day for seven minutes each in what is referred to as a Potent Pause. It is a receptive opening of the body that is said to relieve stress, aches and pains and increase energy, its free and easy so totally worth a try!

My second challenge to get back to yoga, this will be a much larger challenge then a mere Thirty days in fact it will last the better part of a year since I will explore the entire eight limbs of yoga as per the original teachings of Pantanjali the grandfather and first teacher of yoga. Asana, Hatha or what we know in the west as getting on our mat is the physical practice but what most don't realize is it's but a small fraction of Yoga.



I will blog as often as possible about the experience I hope you tune in regularly I'd love to have you along for this adventure...

The grass is always greener on the other side...

I made a new friend online, her life mirrors mine in many ways; left everything behind in the west to move here to India, she is married to a local, the love of her life. She talked about how her in-laws met her at the airport with roses and how her mother in law picks flowers each morning for them to adorn their hair with and I couldn't help but feel a hint of jealousy in the pit of my stomach. Her life sounds so shanti I thought to myself, how did I allow mine to get so far removed from the picture I wanted, the peace that brought me to India in the first place.

Social media has a way of glamorizing our lives, we edit our words, pick the most flattering pictures to post and talk mainly about the sweet stuff. I knew I was just as guilty as others for this but I justified it because I truly am someone who wants to share in love and light, I want to make people smile and shed a little happiness into each day. The people in my feeds that were always complaining I blocked or unfriended, there is enough negativity in the world I choose to use social media as a place of inspiration and sharing positive vibes. Turns out I may be doing a disservice. 

See there are days, days when I've wanted to complain that my mother in law was in a bad mood, again! Or that I'm ready to tear my hair out because my toddlers won't give me a minute of silence. or that my husband hasn't put his phone down in days because he is addicted to candy crush and I feel like taking his phone and throwing it across the room but I haven't written a word about these moments, which has led to others coveting my life.

This illusion we are creating on these sites can lead to a deeper feeling of loneliness. I found a really interesting video that delves deeper into this theory

m

Yesterday I got a chance to actually chat with this new friend only to find out her life is not at all as it seems, in fact other than the fact that she is married to the love of her life the rest of it really sucks at the moment. My little world seemed to get brighter as we chatted, not that I took any enjoyment hearing of her hardships or felt superior in any way for having managed Indian culture but just in the reminder that the grass is not always greener. It was a valuable lesson in envy. something I didn't even recognize existed in my world,

I'm meditating surrendering to what is and once again appreciating all that I have, But mostly I want to find balance, I want to be fearlessly authentic, truly real, even when there is an option to edit...

The Soul is here for its own Joy ~ Rumi

My year long Happiness Project has now entered its fourth month and with April comes another shift in focus. For me however at this stage it is important to review the previous three months and make sure I am still incorporating all of the things that have brought a deeper sense of joy. A few resolutions that fell to the wayside that I may want to try and incorporate elsewhere and so forth. So a quick recap if you'll bare with me:

January was all about Vitality; My energy has improved, at least I'm not complaining about it anymore. Yoga, weight training and conscious breathing are still in the forefront of my mind. Drinking my liter of warm water every morning, the only thing I'd like to bring into April is fasting. In India we fast frequently and since being in Canada for the last six months I haven't fasted much at all, so each Thursday I am doing a simple fast. Thursdays are the day in February's Cultivating Self Love I dedicated to taking care of myself, I love to soak in a sea salt bath, paint my toes, go for a massage whatever the mood brings but something that is all about loving my body and cradling my self. March was dedicated to work and the biggest thing I discovered was that I was trying to force a career,when in truth my children are my full time job and I love that I can give them all of me at this precious stage of their development.

April's intention has to do with the quote by Rumi above "The soul is here for its own joy" this has sat on my vision board since the new year began, in fact this message seems to be coming at me from every direction. I'm listening to the universe and the entire month is dedicated to FUN FUN FUN just for the joy of it! When trying to figure out what fun is to me it was suggested to remember what my ten year old self liked to do chances are the adult us still would enjoy the same activities.

I loved to dance, write, skip and cook so these are included in my goals for the month; things like experimenting  with new recipes, dancing for at least five minutes every day, reading and writing poetry, and singing out loud. I really am going to work on mindfulness; trusting what is but manifesting what I want to come.

More than anything I'm going to focus on playing harder, laughing at all life brings (or sometimes throws) and learn to smile with my liver (a line from Elizabeth Gilbert's 'Eat Pray Love' that has always struck a curiosity chord with me) I can't wait to share this experience with you and I hope you'll join me and dedicate some time to being as silly as possible,

Like what you've read? Leave a donation, $1, $2, $5 whatever you choose, everything is appreciated!

I really don't know what balance is now that I'm a mother

It hit me like a ton of bricks; I really don't know what balance is now that I'm a mother! I keep talking and blogging about it saying I want it, but my idea of balance has been based on other peoples opinions, other parents who offer advice on what their idea of balance is since my children arrived. It's also largely based on the type of work/life balance I had before I ever moved to India. In truth I was so shanti (peaceful) and ready to take on the world when I made the move but over these last few years I feel more like sticking my head in a hole and hiding.  The move to India although hugely transformative has left me feeling unsettled in my own skin. There have been obvious BIG changes i.e. living in a new culture, getting married, co-living with my Indian family which is the polar opposite of how things are done in North America, having two children in under two years to name a few haha. The major life changes have brought about a world of subtle changes;  my patience isn't as intact as I would like, as I mentioned in my last blog I am more reactive and not nearly as grounded as I know I'm capable of. And honestly lately I've been longing for simplicity which is what led me to leave Canada and move to India in the first place but at a loss as to how to bring it back within the new realm of the life I have now created.

The only thing I know for sure is Yoga helped in the past so I made the initiative to get on my mat more often and have managed to keep the resolution through the new year. I've also been eating healthier and drinking lots of warm water during this cold winter season. I've been experiencing some back pain and since returning to my yoga mat it has amplified. Don't misunderstand me my asana practice is not causing the pain, the pain has been present for quite awhile if I had to wager a guess I'd say since I got pregnant with my first child well over two years ago. I've been ignorant to the pain blaming it on the pregnancies, child birth itself, recovery from major surgeries (both pregnancies resulted in c-sections) but stepping back on my mat and finally coming up out of the daze of mommyhood allowing a few precious moments of attention to fall within my own body has forced me to confront myself, again. All of sudden I am acutely aware of the signals that have manifested in my physical being that I've been ignoring few over two years. Admittedly there are times I'm tempted to take an advil and duck under the covers but I know from experience these truth aches won't disappear, they will only intensify until dealt with. Instead of feeling sorry for myself which is easy to do when one is in pain I instead turn my attention to the excitement of getting back in touch with me, its like getting ready to spend time with one of my oldest and dearest friends.

Bringing the silent witness into everyday life

I've spent way too much time trying to figure out why I'm not as easy going as I thought I was/want to be? Why my flexibility on my mat is so limited? To no avail. I recognize there can sometimes be this wall of resistance that rears up when I'm met with a simple obstacle. When it comes to major events it doesn't phase me, when something goes array I'm the first to flow with it understanding that everything happens for a reason.Yet a slight obstacle I mean something that truly should be viewed as minuscule in daily life can create agitation, I have no idea why I become reactive I just do and consciousness flies out the window leaving me with harsh judgments, nasty internal dialogue and a less then patient manner. Not the person I want to be, nor the role model I want to set for my children. I could use being tired as an excuse I mean two children in just over two years is a lot on the body mind and soul but then I'd just be reverting and we've already decided no more excuses!

So I've given up trying to "figure out why" and decided instead to change it! How you may ask? Just recognizing it, catching my breath and feeling it without giving into it. I can't necessarily make the emotions disappear but I can choose to not react. It is talked about a lot in Yoga to allow the sensations their space and be the silent witness, so now it's time for me to put this into action in everyday life.

I find the more I attempt to find balance and go deeper into presence the more out of balance and disconnected I feel at times, or maybe its just recognizing how much work needs to be done because each time you peel back a layer there is another revealing itself, it is a fascinating albeit daunting task. It is not for the weak hearted, or those to scare easy its for us warriors who will let nothing stand between us and the peace we know we deserve, no actually better said is the peace we know we ARE.

I just finished reading "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin and I've decided to embark on my own happiness project starting the beginning of next month and like her, not because I am unhappy in my life but because I know I am capable of even more happiness! I'm super excited and hope you'll join in and see where it goes and maybe even pull a little inspiration to bring more joy into your world.

Blessings of love and light find you...

I have taken responsibility once again for my own happiness

I live in India. I actually live in India.

Sometimes I have to stop and remind myself of this because it's easy to get caught up in the every day and forget to be thrilled by adventure around me. I often forget I’m from Canada living on the other side of the world in a culture that is completely foreign to most, mainly because it often feels so natural for me. I usually forget that I am different from anyone else on the street. I refer to most non-Indians as foreigners just like the locals do, not even realizing I too am considered a foreigner by most onlookers. I forget I’m white until I see another white person or I notice a certain discerning stare that can follow me when I’m out on the street and then I think oh yeah, I’m a white girl living in this holy city. There are others but few and far between and I’ve yet to come across one that is like me, most are devotees of one Guru or another, they wear tilak (spiritual marking on their forehead) and dress in Gopi dresses (something I’ve yet to see an Indian girl in, even though it is still considered cultural dress) and live a life that is quite different from mine.

My point is no matter where life takes you or where you find yourself living it’s easy to get caught up and allow it to become mundane, unless of course you consciously choose otherwise. I may be on the opposite side of the world but I still get up cook, clean, go to work, play with my son, wash rinse repeat... it’s easy to let it all lose its magic. But since the 2012 shift I feel something awakening in me, this last year was spent letting go, learning to surrender, the process is far from complete but I have a deeper appreciation for the life I have created, I have taken responsibility once again for my own happiness and reminded myself to be grateful for everything thing that appears in my daily life, even if it seems trivial or worse; annoying.

When I first began travelling to what is now my home town in India it used to hold such magic for me. It was my playground the place where I felt most spiritually alive, where my heart danced in the every day; I know that is why I came to live here. But with so much change since that move not even three years ago; a new marriage, living in a joint family, trying to learn a new language, having a baby, traveling between Canada and India, adapting to new roles, getting pregnant again, and the list goes on… I realized I hadn’t allowed myself much time to digest it all. I was frustrated with myself for feeling out of balance but the shift helped me release a lot of pent up anger/frustration and I found my hearts dance again, my truth surfaced once again and I began to remember why I made such a bold life decision and with that it became easier to express why I made this move and what is needed for me to be authentically happy.

I believe in love there needs to some sacrifice, a great quote from the book the Secret Daughter “the key to a successful marriage is for each spouse to give as much as they thought they possibly could, then give a little more” really rang true for me. I felt like I had been giving and sacrificing too much of myself, I was beginning to harbor resentment but in an a-ha moment with that passage I understood that it was no one’s doing but own, I had been giving and giving but not asking for what I needed in return. I have more in me to give but I had put my own dreams on the back burner, they were still simmering but because I wasn’t adding anything to them, wasn’t paying attention to them at all, they began to burn (hence the pent up anger)

All of that being said I began to voice my dreams again and with an unbelievable soulmate at my side there is now some wonderful change transpiring. My husband and I have decided to completely renovate our guesthouse to make it more functional, we are renovating a portion for us to live in. I have enjoyed my time living in a joint family but I crave a space I can call mine, a space that is my sanctuary, being raised in Canada this is what is normal for me and although I would never trade the time I’ve had living with my large Indian family to find balance and run the types of retreats I want this is the most logical step. As the work began on what will be my deepest heart’s desire manifested before my eyes I began seeing the magic again all around me. Last night as the Indian sun set I watched a group of monkeys make their way to what I can only assume they call home each night, a mommy monkey climbed up the wall with her little one snuggled to her chest and a smile crossed my lips at the human like similarities as my son sat snuggled on my chest. I was breathing in the moment recognizing this discovery channel moment as “my normal”, my son spotted the monkey and began making monkey noises at them,  a simple Canadian girl from a small city living amongst a very different backdrop, once again grateful for all that I have manifested and am manifesting in this spiritual adventure we call life.

My goal is to make a career out of writing, if you would like to support my efforts you can do so by clicking below and making a donation, thank you for your continued support

Does the response to the ups and downs reflect your truth?

I had a lot of response to my last blog and I'd like to thank everyone who reached out. So many of you shared your inner most thoughts with me about how you too are feeling unbalanced right now; some called it itchy feet syndrome others not knowing if they wanted to run away from or run to something. The truth is our world is shifting rapidly and for those of us who are sensitive to energy everything swirling around us can be a little overwhelming.

I had a dear friend offer me advice she said "the adventure you seek is what you live every day. How boring life would be without ups and downs and how would you move to the next step or phase in life if you did not have to struggle with decisions, dreams and goals, you are not unbalanced you are living your life..." and while I appreciate her words and agree with the simplicity of what she states I feel like what I have been trying to get across in my previous blogs may have been lost on some.

I would never expect a world without ups and downs, the unbalance comes into play when my reaction to the "ups and downs" doesn't reflect the truth of who I am. I have tasted inner peace within the eye of the storm; I'm not talking about being void of emotion but rather having genuine feelings. Stress is NOT and emotion, stress is a response creadted in the mind by an unhealthy ego. The unbalanced feeling I'm talking about is a combination of stress reaction to things that normally wouldn't ruffle me and an uneasiness somehwere deep in my core,

The adventure of everyday life is beautiful but I seek adventure beyond the everyday (that is pretty evident considering I picked up and moved to the other side of the world and live in a culture completely opposite to the one I was raised in.) I chalk it up to being a Sagittarius its part of our DNA/starseed makeup, who we are at our most authentic self. With so many changes that transpired so quickly I allowed myself to fall into a routine to please those around me and I know routine doesn't work for me. Conformity has never been my suit. I get it now that by not seeking adventure it wasn't going to present itself and being a mother now adventure will take on a different perspective so my friends advice rings true for me. Adventure can be found daily if you allow yourself to look for it and feel life as an adventure.

When I'm in touch with my heart which is my core truth it becomes easy to remain balanced; dreams and goals are obvious and nothing can deter my path, there is no struggle with decisions because they come from my soul, my heart, a centered mind. After the breakdown I spoke of in my last blog I continued to have "break throughs" and a deeper understanding that no one is responsible for my life except me, not my husband, not my child, if I want to feel balanced I need to get back in touch with my self. I know the tools that work for me yet I was using every excuse I could think of to avoid them. I could no longer hush the whsipers of my heart and a new routine has been born. I'm starting my days with conscious intention, fortunately my son already has the habit of going down with a bottle one hour after waking which affords me enough time to go on my mat or exercise in some form and have a little meditation. I've been listening to prompts when it comes to food and drinking a tonne more water. I continue to treat my pregnant body with tastey snacks but the majority of my eating habits consist of whole foods that I know nourish my body. I began connecting back to the elemental energies I've trusted thoughout my life, allowing them to guide and encourage me. During some lucid dreaming with these beautiful beings of light I was given a message "each individual must bring about integration between the spiritual self and the emotional self before there can be wholeness." I understood instantly this is exactly what I have been working through, why I have been feeling "unbalanced." I've done copious amounts of work on my spiritual side but my emotional self was often being robbed. I would disregard my own feelings sweeping them under the proverbal rug, so now when I feel like crying I allow it, when I want to scream I hold a pillow over my mounth and let er rip, whatever I need to do to feel and release I allow it knowing it is all a gateway to higher truth.

I make a point as I mentioned to make sure the emotional response is genunie and not just a conditioned or an egoic reaction to a situation or circumstance and I think it's been quite eye opening delving into what I am feeling and questioning if it is sincere or conditioned. I'm keeping track of some of my interpretations and I'll share them with you in a blog soon....


My goal is to make a career out of writing, if you would like to support my efforts you can do so by clicking below and making a donation, thank you for your continued support

The inner peace you seek is the balance

When I first talked about being out of balance a friend commented saying she didn’t believe balance could be obtained there would always be something to knock you off balance and the key was to be at peace in whatever was happening, her words were a reminder from one of my last temple visits in India, the deity held me in an eye dance as he whispered in my heart “the inner peace you seek is the balance.”

So I’ve been doing what I can daily to remind myself to be present, to be okay with where I am and whatever transforms for the day which isn’t always easy; I catch myself wanting something else, craving some type of adventure or longing for more, even though, if I’m being honest I don’t even know what any of that truly means. The last couple of days I have felt heavy, I’ve cried a lot, refused to change out of my night dress, heck I think I even forgot to brush my teeth yesterday, classic symptoms of depression or in my case maybe pregnancy blues. That’s right friends for those who haven’t heard baby number two is on its way and although I am in my second trimester and physically I have been feeling fabulous emotionally I’m up and down like a yoyo but deep down I know it’s more than the pregnancy.

I sat yesterday and meditated I came to some deep truth aches, two years ago I left a very comfortable life, at least from a materialistic point of view. I left because I wanted more passion, more simplicity and more adventure yet it doesn’t feel like I’ve fully accomplished this. I still feel as if something is missing there is a longing that still hasn’t been quenched yet and I can’t quite get a read what needs to be done.

After my meditation I broke down, for all that I still wish for, for all that I left behind, for the fear that still exists in my heart, for the self-loathing that continues to peer its ugly face when my ego is toxic, for missing my Husband profoundly and feeling guilty because I’m scared to go back to India until certain changes transpire, I cried because I want space, I cried because I felt I needed to, I cried because I allowed myself to release.

The haze lifted only when my beloved called repeatedly to check in on me and help me crack a smile or when my baby boy put on his comedy act. By early evening I was spent, my son and I still co-sleep so I decided to go to bed early with him praying for a good night sleep. My brain and body were drained yet sleep was eluding me I felt restless and thought about being in my husband’s arms and the comfort I believed it would bring. As I stifled a sob that threatened to consume me my son rolled across the bed, my back was to him and all of a sudden his little arms were cradling me, as he spooned me my heart broke open wider than I ever dreamed possible and I accepted everything to be as it is, or as I’ve said before it would be different.

This little angel was here to remind me that everything I long for is here in front of me. The simplicity in my life became apparent, being able to live a life where I have nothing that needs to be accomplished accept to enjoy my family, God it doesn’t get much simpler, I am so blessed. When it comes to adventure; I live between two of the most beautiful countries in the world, my husband like me loves to live spontaneously once I took a breath I realized my life is adventure. Being married to my soul mate offers unlimited passion both good and bad but that’s a whole other blog. Passion is all around me as long as I remain present and when I focus on the truths I want in my world and stay open to all the love that is around me I really have it all. 

My goal is to make a career out of writing, if you would like to support my efforts you can do so by clicking below and making a donation, thank you for your continued support

Finding balance in the unbalance

I’ve been finding my balance since my last blog I’ve managed to meditate a few days and I’m doing my best to take advantage of whatever pocket of time is gifted to me each day to catch my breath. I even got on my yoga mat one day and wasn’t surprised by the restrictions I felt in my body, I’ve been holding onto a lot and refusing to surrender to what is, even though I know better! Now I’m praying for more time to work through these restrictions.

So in an effort to find more balance this morning I treated myself to a chick flick. While my son played beside me I watched the movie “Eat Pray Love.” It was over five years ago when I read the book and was inspired to travel to an ashram in India. I found myself remembering that time in my life. I was so lost before I left and longing for more, more adventure, more zest, more energy, I wasn’t even sure what it was I was longing for but I couldn’t ignore it any longer so I hopped on a plane by myself and headed to a land that had repeatedly called my soul. So much happened but you’ll have to wait for my book for those details, the reason I’m even mentioning it today is because I found myself crying watching the movie remembering the balance I had found during that trip. I questioned how I had once again become so far removed from authentic self. I began slipping into a pit of disappear as the unhealthy part of my ego began a victory dance but just as I was about to succumb to the pain and self-loathing the universe reminded me of something powerful delivered by this line in the movie; “God dwells in us, as us.” I was instantly still, peace filled my veins, and instead of thinking about how much balance I had lost since returning I remembered how far I had truly come. I looked at how my life has changed and the consciousness that surrounds most of my thoughts and actions. A lot of change has transpired in my life in a very short time and although each action was a conscious decision somehow the outcomes (the now) seemed completely out of my control. I began to relax and breathe a little deeper, there is more change coming I’m being prompted daily and it’s time to give up wanting perfect control and recognize once and for all God in every minute of every day, no matter what they look like. The key is to pay attention to the prompts and follow your intuition about all decisions. I’ve been doing this so why was I still resisting what is?

I felt God’s presence around me and in me, “God dwells in us, as us” I said aloud. I felt a lightness flow into my being, love swirled around the room, my energy seemed to shift as I remembered the divine flowing through me, this earth experience ends in the blink of an eye, I want to be in it, all of it. I looked at my baby boy his big black eyes smiled up at me, his arms reached out to me and I picked him up, hugging heart to heart he began babbling sweet gibberish in my ear, and I understood this is where my balance rests, being in my day, accomplishing whatever I can whenever I can and knowing it all is happening exactly as it should or it would be happening differently. I was a mother now which means there is a little less time for “alone (or me) time” but the reward of having this little being in my life was worth being a little out of balance. 

As an aspiring writer I appreciate your continued support

I take a deep breath and flow through the challenges

I didn’t post last week because I’ve been sick with diarrhea; my family insisted I go to the hospital. It afforded me a whole new appreciation for the Canadian health care system. People were scattered everywhere, sitting on benches, standing in the halls and there were three other women in the examination room with me, the doctor directed one lady to lay on the table then proceeded to ask how long I had been suffering.

Without taking my blood pressure or examining me on any level, no questions about current medications or if I have allergies to any type of drugs she prescribed four pills. As someone who rarely heads to the doctor let alone takes pharmaceuticals I was concerned. When I reached home I immediately went to internet to research what I had been given, it wasn’t as bad as I had assumed. An acidophilus, a b-complex, electrolytes and an antibiotic, I was confused as to why she gave me an antibiotic when she didn’t do any testing to determine a bacterial infection but this is India and I figured if anyone specialized in dealing with diarrhea it would be the doctors of this country.

I had slipped away from my meditation practice so I decided to head to the roof determine what was truly happening in my body. As I sat in the stillness I began to cry. I was overwhelmed, so much change in such a short period, it was classic culture shock. Something I had been through as a teenager while living in Jamaica. The romantic light I had seen India in had given way to a distorted reality. I longed for my family, mourned my old way of life, I was even missing the very things I had prayed to get away from in Canada; heading to the pub to have beers with friends, shopping malls and fast food to name a few. Each time I was faced with something ‘different’ from my native land anger flared, the things I had been intrigued by now feared, I was frustrated with the language and a sensation of being trapped exacerbated the condition.

Sitting on the roof I caught my breath, my heart’s voice whispered “everything is fine, you are exactly where you want and need to be right now, spend time each day in silence to process all of this change, everything is perfect, you are shedding a part of you that no longer serves.” Birds began singing and I smiled as peace washed over me. Deep down I was happy, happier then I had been in a very long time but an unhealthy ego can wreck havoc on your entire system.

This inner work along with most change is painful at times but suffering only occurs when we don’t take time to appreciate it. Finding the balance between what was and what is, what I think I want and what I truly want is all part of having a balanced soul.