The inner peace you seek is the balance

When I first talked about being out of balance a friend commented saying she didn’t believe balance could be obtained there would always be something to knock you off balance and the key was to be at peace in whatever was happening, her words were a reminder from one of my last temple visits in India, the deity held me in an eye dance as he whispered in my heart “the inner peace you seek is the balance.”

So I’ve been doing what I can daily to remind myself to be present, to be okay with where I am and whatever transforms for the day which isn’t always easy; I catch myself wanting something else, craving some type of adventure or longing for more, even though, if I’m being honest I don’t even know what any of that truly means. The last couple of days I have felt heavy, I’ve cried a lot, refused to change out of my night dress, heck I think I even forgot to brush my teeth yesterday, classic symptoms of depression or in my case maybe pregnancy blues. That’s right friends for those who haven’t heard baby number two is on its way and although I am in my second trimester and physically I have been feeling fabulous emotionally I’m up and down like a yoyo but deep down I know it’s more than the pregnancy.

I sat yesterday and meditated I came to some deep truth aches, two years ago I left a very comfortable life, at least from a materialistic point of view. I left because I wanted more passion, more simplicity and more adventure yet it doesn’t feel like I’ve fully accomplished this. I still feel as if something is missing there is a longing that still hasn’t been quenched yet and I can’t quite get a read what needs to be done.

After my meditation I broke down, for all that I still wish for, for all that I left behind, for the fear that still exists in my heart, for the self-loathing that continues to peer its ugly face when my ego is toxic, for missing my Husband profoundly and feeling guilty because I’m scared to go back to India until certain changes transpire, I cried because I want space, I cried because I felt I needed to, I cried because I allowed myself to release.

The haze lifted only when my beloved called repeatedly to check in on me and help me crack a smile or when my baby boy put on his comedy act. By early evening I was spent, my son and I still co-sleep so I decided to go to bed early with him praying for a good night sleep. My brain and body were drained yet sleep was eluding me I felt restless and thought about being in my husband’s arms and the comfort I believed it would bring. As I stifled a sob that threatened to consume me my son rolled across the bed, my back was to him and all of a sudden his little arms were cradling me, as he spooned me my heart broke open wider than I ever dreamed possible and I accepted everything to be as it is, or as I’ve said before it would be different.

This little angel was here to remind me that everything I long for is here in front of me. The simplicity in my life became apparent, being able to live a life where I have nothing that needs to be accomplished accept to enjoy my family, God it doesn’t get much simpler, I am so blessed. When it comes to adventure; I live between two of the most beautiful countries in the world, my husband like me loves to live spontaneously once I took a breath I realized my life is adventure. Being married to my soul mate offers unlimited passion both good and bad but that’s a whole other blog. Passion is all around me as long as I remain present and when I focus on the truths I want in my world and stay open to all the love that is around me I really have it all. 

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