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Monday, August 31, 2015

Open and waiting for guidance...



I wish I could say it's been easy since I did the parikarma of my town, that I woke up the following morning filled with vitality and joy and everything just fell into place. That my world has been nothing but sunshine and butterflies. Well actually there has been a lot of sunshine a little to much. Indian summers have the same affect on me as Canadian winters. In both cases one tends to be housebound. For months it has been too hot to really get out and enjoy the world around me but at the same time I recognize those are just circumstances, and if one allows circumstances and/or situations to determine their happiness or inner peace then effort is futile. Blaming the weather for any of my emotions or discomforts is remaining in victim mode.

*For those of you interested in ways to break out of Victim Mentality here is a link to a great article with some helpful hints!

In truth while the sun blazes outside my work is inside, inside of me. The sun in all of its power has a ton of healing properties and I'm tapping into the energy of the sun and cycles of the moon to assist me on this aligning journey but more on that in future blogs.
Me Hiking the Inca Trail

In all honesty this is proving to be the biggest undertaking I've encountered thus far in my life, and I've trekked the Andes! The continuous bombardment in my mind of random thoughts are wasted energy. I once remember a teacher from Brahma Kumaris when asked how she could possibly look so young and have so much vitality at such an old age, she was in her 90's and keeping a schedule that most thirty year old's would tire from, and she replied that she didn't "waste thoughts"

Have you ever taken a moment, an hour, or  day to listen to your thoughts? It can be exhausting! They say the average person has between 50 000 to 70 000 thoughts per day that is 35 to 48 thoughts per minute!

Reining in my thoughts is just one of the keys to finding the inner peace that continue to allude me. Also getting a handle on my reactions. Now I'm not talking about not honouring my emotions I simply mean I do not want my emotions to control me and the way I treat  those around me.

I've been understanding more how important our emotions are, any perceived negative emotion is simply a guidepost to let us know we are no longer aligned with source, our higher self. And while the knowledge of this truth is an essential stepping stone for growth it does not eradicate the fact that I have been feeling A LOT of anger, surges of it in fact. Often around the same time, late afternoon early evening, I literally want to strangle somebody, or beat any body that comes near my space. But see I have two small children that are almost always in my space so it makes it very difficult to move past and I will not allow myself to have them be the grunt of the onslaught of this raw emotion.

So I am looking for helpful ways to diffuse and release and am completely open to your suggestions

One friend suggested punching pillows, I've tried it, doesn't work for me. And in truth I don't want my kids to see me that angry and  think that somehow they are the cause for Mommy's hatred of the moment.

Another friend offered that perhaps I was absorbing the anger of those around me. It's true, I am an empath in many ways, and it is correct that my husband's angry reputation is reputed in our town so perhaps I am absorbing the anger that is still inside of him yet consciously he now has far more control over. But I was angry long before he was ever even in my life. I can remember an Osteopath well over a decade ago informing me I had a lot of "anger stored inside", an acupuncturist made the same comment during our sessions and even the Swami that I first studied with here in India told me while I had a "beautiful heart filled with an enormous amount of love there was some deep anger in my cells that needed to be released."

So it brings me back to square one. My favourite teacher of the moment is Bentinho Massaro and the latest lesson I watched on youtube he proposed when you feel something negative instead of wishing it away say Hell Yeah! Bring it on, it's pointing to a place where you are not aligned and that is a beautiful thing, the question to ask is "okay so where do I go next with it?"

So I sit, open and waiting to receive the guidance needed in this next phase of my journey, perhaps one of you holds the answer...

A picture taken before marriage in Rishikesh a time when I felt more at peace then ever before in my life



~ In Love and Light Sweet Souls

Monday, August 24, 2015

When the shift happened and I saw stars in the darkness...

It all really started to shift back into place during Adhik Mass here in India it's an auspicious month that according to the lunar calender happens approx every three years,

A month that should be and completely was devoted to "self-development, evaluation, assessment, reflection, retrospection and Introspection", so that is exactly what I did. I made the commitment to get back to me, to listen to the prompts, to give up the excuses, to stop wallowing in victimhood. I took back control but at the same time surrendered; one of the many paradoxes faced on the spiritual path. Two seemingly opposite theories yet both divinely intertwined.

During Adhik Mass they say "it is a time for one's own soul and spirit to complete all pending work, detoxify the body and engage in spiritual rituals. To regain ones strength in physical, mental, emotional and spiritual terms."

About a week into the month I decided to join with of my family members who were engaging in Parikrama, it is a walk circling an area or sacred spot, in this instance the town I call home in India, 11 km that encompasses all five thousand ancient temples, It is said to purify ones world, eliminating karma and releasing one from the cycle of birth and rebirth. I've done it before but the last time was five years ago.

While walking, barefoot I may add, I thought about all of the excuses I've used since marrying my beloved and giving birth to our two children, I was growing increasingly ill, and stressed. I was still far more reactive than I wanted to be, I knew this walk was what I needed to begin empowering myself again, facing a challenge can remind you of how little the little peeves really are.

We, a number of family members including some of the children, left at 4:30am and it was still dark outside, years ago it was dirt roads, when I first started travelling to India only seven years ago it was still dirt roads but now the entire thing is concrete, The government kept one area off to the side fenced in similar to sidewalks in the west where the dust remains, unfortunately it is also a dumping ground for thousands of outsiders who descend upon our town each day, Workers have been trying to keep it clean but to no avail, so on the pavement we sauntered, my feet began to ache at about the half way point.

I seriously considered jumping on a passing rickshaw, I questioned the point of continuing, what was this really serving? My family was doing it for God. I don't believe in a God that blesses some and punishes others, if that was the case then why oh Lord why are people like Kanye West and Kim Kardashian still living large while school teachers are being poorly paid and often purchasing school supplies their own money?

I begged to know was this serving my higher self? My God self?

And then it happened, the undeniable call of a peacock, the morning sun igniting the moment.




I slowed and was in awe, could it really be?

The peacock is symbolic in almost every faith and country.

In Greek mythology Hera gave the peacock it's many eyes to see the past, present and future, the all knowing eye (truth). Chinese say that the blending of the five colours of it's feathers gives us the sweet harmony of sound. In Egypt, the peacock is associated with the Sun God Ra. In Christianity the peacock symbolises death and resurrection. And here in India he is associated with Lord Krishna, the very God whose path I was following for this walk; the ultimate enjoyer and lover of life. 

I felt a presence, larger than the bird in front of me, larger than me, it's one I've known since childhood and I felt the message being offered; "you've got this, there is nothing you can not achieve if you really want it" 

My spirit lifted and I felt a spring in my step. I wanted this, I wanted to prove to myself I once more that I was capable, capable of anything and everything!

About three quarters of the way through I couldn't understand how my sister in laws were still walking normally, I was hobbling. They were on day four of this walk, day four! I thought my feet had gotten tough after five years running around India but I was wrong. I began to beat myself up, what was wrong with me? All I wanted was epsom salt soak and good cry they didn't seem phased at all. I exercise and do yoga practically daily, they do nothing of the sort, how was I so much weaker?

Another peacock sang in the distance. My mind stopped and I realized the continuous patterns I was going to have to work on if I was truly going to achieve inner peace. The comparisons, the self judgement, the belief that I or my life was anything but divine. It was all going to have to end and it was going to take courage and constant attention to my thoughts to get there.

I changed my focus I realized these women in general have a strength I admire. There isn't time to waste in self pity or wallowing when as task is at hand, just get it done! I was honoured remember they are a reflection of me. My heart smiled and I noticed a woman trot by with her mala bag and I regretted the decision to not bring mine, I chose to not bring it fearing my family would think I looked to much like a "foreigner devotee" but as the peacock continued his song I reminded myself that I am a foreigner. Yes I wear the clothes, speak the language (sort of) I even have the name but I'm still a Canadian girl, One they all accepted open heartedly, one they all respect for all that I have done to be part of their culture, but never, ever did they ask me to stop being me, that I did to myself..

And my darknight of the soul began to lift...

State of my dusty feet when I returned home
One of four blisters





                                                                                                                                                                                                     















In Love and Light Beautiful Souls ~



Thursday, August 20, 2015

Aligning habits aligned with desires



I've been torn over what to write about next. There are so many aspects of my life that would like a voice but yet each day since my last blog when I sat at my computer I drew a blank, what do I really want to put out here now?

I don't like to rehash the past but I think it's an important aspect of my journey and a few of you have expressed interest in understanding a dark night experience.

I came across this great article this week on Dark Night of the Soul that may help you to understand what I and maybe even you have experienced.

My dark night was intense and long, not the first one I've ever experienced but the longest and most challenging. It essentially challenged every aspect of my life and while for the most part it has lifted, I'm still working through processing all of the information and implementing the changes that have to occur in order for me to find the one thing I've been praying for; Inner Peace.

It's a lofty prayer, filled with so much interpretation. When people come to visit me or join in on our of our Spiritual Adventures at our Guesthouse there is one particular temple we always try to fit in. This temple is renowned in India for having your prayers answered. I can attest; my marriage to my Indian love, my babies, trips to Canada all manifested within a short period of time after being present within this sacred space, the auspicious energy of the area and deity can be felt and I have no doubt it is a vortex.

Over the last year my prayer has been for lasting inner peace. When I think of inner peace I think of a relaxed life, where everything just kinda flows easy breezy. I don't expect that life will be perfect all the time but my prayers have simply been to bring that sense of joy and ease back into my world.

Like anything inner peace is possible but it takes work, inner work, and continuous practice. 

My dark night was a deep cleaning of sorts. First I had to recognize all of the patterns that have kept me from my peace. The thing is if you're willing to see them, you'll then notice that everything and everyone around you that is negative or disturbing is merely a reflection of your own truth. This can be a hard pill to swallow. I wasn't sure what to do with the information being tossed at me.

My honeymoon with the country I call home ended. I began to see the injustice, the poverty, the pollution, the patriarchal society that I had agreed to raise my children in. I was feeling overwhelmed and very alone.

My marriage began to suffer. It seemed that no matter what I said or did my husband wasn't happy with me. In one moment he was supportive and filled with love and next irate or withdrawn. I began to walk on egg shells around him, worried that I would set off one of his moods.

I felt I could only connect with the women of my house if I was complaining about something, so I shared my list of grievances with them, often. Negativity is like cancer when it spreads and I was consumed.

The stress was taking a toll on my health physically and mentally. I was no longer able to focus and really my children where the ones who were suffering at my lack of light which only intensified the darkness surrounding me.

I began to sink into an anxiety filled depression.

I read somewhere depression is when are thoughts are in the past and anxiety is when our thoughts are in the future. Check and Check!

I was spending a lot of time wondering how I would survive and be happy again in this country, in my marriage, in this world. I was also growing increasingly resentful of all I had left behind in Canada to be here. Never a good cycle.

I did the only thing I could, I turned to prayer. I prayed for direction, for connection to truth, for the inner peace I longed to experience again, and I opened up to see, hear and feel the truth.

See the thing is messages are everywhere and once I began to remember that it is all God the messages began to pour in. The universe began showing me what I needed to do. Angels were guiding me back home, back into my light, my alignment.

I started by getting back on my yoga mat. I started there because that was where I was when I wsas my happiest, my most connected. Twenty minutes was the goal, connection to higher self is the true goal of yoga, union. Release began there, that is the first step in healing, releasing all that no longer serves you.

More importantly for me I began waking up before everyone in my family and meditating. I couldn't turn on my computer, or the television with this prompt. It seemed my angels were diligent at nailing this message home! Understandably meditation is the key to my calm, I know, I've known it for decades, even if it is for only 5 minutes it's something and life (day) altering.

Then I was prompted to write, I was added to blogger group, I was inspired by writing groups but I started slowing with notes; when I was stressed out by anyone, I'd write it out, Why I was stressed, if there was anything I could do to change the situation, what would I like to outcome to be and the key was at the end to make a list of all the things I loved about the person "who was stressing me out".

To help my marriage I was led to a crazy amount of quotes and writings on love and relationships. I began to understand my husband was showing me my own lack of self worth, a part of my blueprint I came into this life to work through.

To help our relationship  I began playing the music each morning that my husband and I fell in love to during our courtship.

Each time he spewed venom at me I recognized it was my own beliefs coming back at me. It only hurt when I thought it was true.

Beautiful teachers and their lessons were being brought into my world via the internet and teachings were bringing me into a whole new understanding. Each time hubby stung me I had to look in the mirror, it was my truth, something I believed to be true about myself.

One teacher in particular said "if someone said Oh My God you look like a Chinese person! how would you respond?" I know I'd probably think the person had gone insane. Well this is how crazy I needed to think Hubby was when he said anything I perceived as an insult and you know what, it has worked.




My marriage is in such an amazing place, hubby can still have moods as any of us humans can but they are few and far between and instead of lasting for days they last only minutes. My response, usually a smile on the inside and to just love him through it. That's all any of us want, unconditional love despite our flaws. His reactions like any of us tend to come from our own place of stress and lack on inner peace. The more peaceful I am, the more he and everyone around me is.




When I do spend time with the ladies of my home I keep the conversation focused on all that is great in our lives, if they can't shake it, I convince them to put on music and shake it off, usually with the assistance of the kids. kids have a great way at bringing laughter and joy into a room!

To fall back in love with the country I was calling home I began my blog on all the things I love about living in India (which will continue because in truth the list is long!)

These were just some of the changes I implemented that really helped to bring a bit of balance back into my world. Perhaps I'll write more on the lessons that came forth but for now I leave you in a place of understanding what I did to bring me out of it.
Because where I am now is worth talking about so much more than where I was. 

It's why I prefer the question "how are you" verses "how have you been" keeping life centred in the present moment is one of my keys to inner peace.





Tell me are your habits aligned with your desires?


In Light and Love
Namaste

Saturday, August 15, 2015

Admittedly I felt special

I've been quiet for sometime now, in fact I've attempted to write a few times but have been sidetracked by a lack of knowing what to say but I think you've gotten used to that now.

In truth I've been contemplating a farewell blog.

I've struggled for sometime with the content and direction of this blog. I joined a number of blogger support groups but that kinda backfired, I joined for inspiration what I got instead was the realization that there are so many people writing about their relationships with Indian men, their lives here in India with far more response and even making some good coin doing so it actually left me feeling more depleted.

When I began this adventure and my zest for sharing it there were only a couple of us writing on the subject, I felt I was offering something unique. Admittedly I felt special. But after reading so many great stories that I felt often explained my life quite unfiltered and eloquently I was even more done with the whole blogging sphere. Not to mention the amount of not for me bloggers that appeared to have huge followings despite their lack of proper grammer, spelling grievances and little to no maturity or depth in writing. I seriously couldn't help but question wth?

But life (the Universe/God) has a way of keeping you aligned with your highest truth and just as I was to say goodbye and put pen to paper so to speak I received a couple of impromptu messages from new fans. One confided she stayed up half the night despite being a new Mom and in desperate need of sleep because she felt I was speaking directly to her, that I had written for her to help ease all of her fears, to console all of her woes, to lift her spirits surrounding her new found intercultural life and spiritual awakening.

So here I am once again, rekindled to share my world via this blog. I had to go back to the beginning and read some of my own story and remember why I began blogging. It was for her, for you. If just one person finds an inkling of comfort in my words (other then my beloved Grandmother) then I am serving a higher source.

Now that I'm finally able to let go of my ego's grip on why I've been blogging I'm able to find inspiration from the beautiful souls in my blogging network, because of them I'm going to be less filtered, to continue to be truthful even if it's ugly and not to worry about my numbers, I'm not doing this as a "living" or a business like many of them I'm doing this because writing for me is therapeutic. 

Mine continues to be a spiritual journey, an awakening, an aligning. And just like my blogging I fell off that path so to speak. I was less committed to me and more committed to being a Mom, I was less committed to me and more committed to being a good "Indian" housewife. I was less committed to me and more committed to being an accepted bahu (Indian daughter in law) but after a rather long intense dark night of the soul I'm ready to commit back to being me. Just me, unfiltered and imperfect. A simple Canadian girl still trying to find balance in the chaos of India, throw in the dynamics of joint family life and two toddlers that sway back and forth between terrorists and starseed I hope it continues to inspire you.

I'll keep sharing my world with you and I hope you'll stay on board for the ride. I can't promise much and I have no direction where this will go, no agenda as to what this blog will be about and no schedule for my posts. My life is filled with many roles all of which are part of my spiritual (mis)adventures the only guarantee I can make is I'll blog when I can about whatever I think you may enjoying hearing about. The same commitment I made in the beginning.





If you'd like me to talk more about my dark night of the soul experience let me know, I've been in touch with many folks on a spiritual journey who have been going through similar experiences this year, if you'd be interested in sharing your story I'd LOVE to feature it along with mine...

In light and love,
~ Radhika