Love Love Love

Love Love Love

Friday, August 26, 2011

Happiness can exist only in acceptance of what is


For the last three weeks I’ve felt like a fish out of water trying to adapt back to a culture that I never really felt comfortable in to begin with. I sat in India daydreaming about what Canada had to offer that wasn’t available and being pregnant that mostly consisted of food and since returning I’ve eaten like a ravenous monster. In doing so I’ve had a reaction, doctors are shaking their heads in confusion and writing it off as one of those ‘pregnancy things” but I (along with some beautiful insights from guides, mentors and healers) have figured out that my body and my baby have just gotten overwhelmed with the bombardment. I’ve gone to town on processed foods and sweets, a luxury that doesn’t exist in my humble life in India and now I am paying the price. So I’m happy to announce wonderful progress has been made with the pain I was dealing with in last week’s blog but now I search for answers on why this rather annoying rash has manifested.

Food is an obvious variant between the two cultures and I have eaten epic amounts of what I once would have considered “comfort” foods. I can’t help but notice the irony as I suffer through this intolerable itch. I realize how disillusioned I had been with what the ‘comforts’ of the west had to offer me. I’m used to eating simple, local foods, which means most of our meals in India consist of one or two vegetarian dishes with chapatti (flat bread).  My mind in India was growing increasing bored with daily cuisine and I longed for veggie burgers, chips and dip and chocolate bars that were larger than the Halloween size found throughout our bazaars. So after bingeing and not finding comfort I’m back to preparing the simple foods I have grown accustomed to in India, minus the bread which I cannot seem to master on an electric stove!

Another area I was excited to find solace in was blending into the crowd. I’ve gotten used to people staring at me abroad, I understand I’m a foreigner, which in itself offers intrigue but add traditional Indian dress and the markings of a Hindu bride and it’s an open invitation for gawkers. In my daydream about Canada I was looking forward to the multicultural faces roaming the streets and blending in quite easily. This hasn’t been the case, because I continue to wear the markings of an Indian wife; sindoor in my parted hairline and a bindi I’m still getting curious looks from passerby’s. 

Holistically an itchy rash often occurs because there is something we are “itching to do” and in my case I think it’s time for me to accept that I am foreign not only in India but even in my birth country. The quicker I accept, appreciate and celebrate that I will always be different, the sooner this rash may disappear…or maybe I just need to change my laundry detergent.







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Friday, August 19, 2011

Befriending pain and listening to it's wisdom...

I’ve been in Canada for two weeks and as much as I’ve enjoyed my time I’ve been dealing with some intense pain. I believe it was triggered by the long flight from India and perhaps aggravated by the baby getting his/her feet under my ribs. I’m fortunate to have wonderful healers in my life who’ve provided me with massage, adjustments and healing energy. As I lay on the massage table receiving my second treatment it dawned on me that perhaps God was helping to prepare me for giving birth.
This pain I’m working through is the worst I’ve felt in my life and now I’m seeing it as a gift for deepening my threshold. I understand labor is going to be something I can’t even begin to comprehend until I experience it and learning to breathe through this ‘minor’ pain has been a test. I’ve been overwhelmed and even terrified at moments wondering how I’m going to be able handle something more intense than this but when panic lingered at the edge of my consciousness trying to find entry I remembered my mantra and begin reciting it. By focusing my mind on Bhakti (devotion/unconditional love) my breath became steady and a sense of peace entered my heart, a tool I will surely use in the delivery room.
In another massage as trigger points were worked I felt my body fight to shut down in attempts to hide from the pain. During labor I’ve been told shutting down is the mistake many new moms make, it has potential to prolong the process; the key is opening in spite of the pain.  I took a deep breath and let the pain have its moment, within seconds my body relaxed.
I wish I could tell you all that I’ve been pain free since these experiences but that’s not the case. I know there’s a lesson but I’m frustrated, as a holistic healer myself I’m supposed to have the answers and I can’t seem to get into the truth of what’s going to relive me. I’ve opened myself up to the universe asking for divine guidance and followed the prompts but still the pain lingers.
That being said as I write this I hear the whisper of my inner voice saying “slow down”. The two weeks since I’ve arrived have been a whirlwind. I haven’t spent any time time writing, using the pain as an excuse to avoid my computer. I haven’t been on my yoga mat and meditated only three or four times. I’ve allowed myself to get caught up in a cycle of just trying to pass time with distractions, using the pain as an excuse. The truth is I miss my partner and India more than I’ve admitted to myself. I’ve been scared to feel it because I didn’t want to take away from my Canadian experience. I thought I was cultivating presence but really I’ve just tapped into another form of distraction; pain as an excuse to avoid my truth….



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Tuesday, August 9, 2011

You don't have to go looking for love when love is where you come from

It’s been two weeks since I posted last, life has been a bit of a whirlwind. I ended up with a cold (upper respiratory) and although it’s change of season in India and most of my family is walking around with fevers, sniffles and coughs I know a big part of the reason I came down with the symptoms is stress. Louise L Hay in her book “You Can Heal Your Life” says colds are caused by “mental disorder and confusion” and I admit that was my life leading up to it.
My Indian visa expired August 2nd and my partner and I had to make a choice on what course of action to take. We decided it would be best for me to head to Canada for a visit with my family, get a pregnancy checkup from my doctor, take the time to concentrate and finish my novel and meet with my agent, within the two months before I can apply for a reentry visa, and so I write today from my family’s home in Canada with mixed emotions.
Saying goodbye to my Indian family was harder than I expected. I had been looking forward to a break and get around some western comforts but as I reached the gate of our home to get into the car awaiting to whisk me off to the airport I broke down into tears. My family stood wiping tears from their eyes as we hugged. It was sad but in retrospect so uplifting, I now understand how much they love me and have fully accepted me as part of their family, at times my ego would like to have me believe they only tolerate me, but leaving for my journey to Canada I realized how much they have tucked me comfortably deep within their hearts, how much I am their family.
Being away from my partner I feel like part of me is missing, as cliché as that sounds, it is the truth. It is like someone cut off a part of my body, my soul and its missing presence is undeniable. Instead of wallowing I am doing my best to embrace the opportunity of being back in the west, remembering certain parts of myself that perhaps I have lost in the last six months. My life between India and Canada has always been about trying to find the sacred balance between east and west, and I know me being back here is God’s plan to help me achieve that goal.
Waking up this morning I grounded myself into my Canadian experience, when sadness threatened to consume me after hearing my partner’s voice on the phone, I diverted my mind by embracing the emotion as another beautiful reminder of the truth In our love. It’s hard to be apart but this is an opportunity for this spiritual warrior to find even more balance on my sacred path. Looking forward to the insights this voyage will bring…



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