A Drop in the Celestial Bucket

I wake up and make my way to the kitchen to prepare chai. I touch the feet of Papaji then Mummiji it’s a sign of respect but also a request for their blessings. From the roof I watch the rising sun; coming up quickly it showers the sky in a cornucopia of colour; maroons, pinks and gold’s. Like me its eager to see a new day. A family of monkeys jump across the rooftops. Temple bells begin ringing and my heart fills, I remember my breath and OM three times.

At one of my favorite temples, ladies string flower malas outside; inside the deities are revealed during the most intense portion of kirtan (spiritual music). I look into the eyes of Radha her message pours into my heart “Stop worrying, everything is happening exactly as it should, trust”. Krishna’s energy calls my attention “I’m with you, why do you still question anything?”  My faith grows “how can I be of service?” I ask. “Finish your book!” I’m once again prompted to remember the words that are waiting to be written.

On our way home the streets are filled with people. Stopped by the crowd there’s hardly room to maneuver the motorcycle. Somehow my partner finds space between the patrons, “hang on” he says, his words have more depth than just the present moment. Change is stirring in the air, I embrace it and him tightening my grip but I relax remembering to trust, not just his skills as a driver but the flow of life.

Sometimes instead of concentrating on the direction we are travelling while racing through the chaos that is Indian traffic I prefer to watch the scenery. We pass auto rickshaws decorated with images of God, saffron robes, a brown cow, a white cow, then a pink and blue cow (still has colour on it from Holi). A saddhu dances to music only he can hear. I remember the beat of my own drum.

At home a spider makes its way from a tree branch to the ground, halfway down a bird flies in snagging him as a tasty treat. A blue butterfly dances around the flower pot. As I enter my room my two year old niece is rolling on my bed by herself laughing for no apparent reason.  Mummiji offers me a small yellow fruit called rasbhri that resembles a very small plum, its tart but sweet, my new favorite. I remember life can often taste the same.

Before dinner we head to YamunaJi (Holy River) the stars are piercing the sky, incense is wafting in the air and waterbirds sing a lullaby. Watching her current flow; she’s quicker than before. Like life she too seems to be speeding up. Time is passing quickly and I have work that needs to be done. I pray for guidance and time.  My partner takes my hand “tomorrow you should take the day to write your book.” God has answered again this time I’ll remember to take action.

I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be

Holi – the festival of colour was this past week and I agreed to stay at my partner’s family home so we didn’t have to travel back and forth through the colour filled chaos. In India most families live together throughout their lives. Wives move in with their husband’s families and my partner’s home is no exception. Both parents, four brothers, their wives and four children share the home. At first this sounded a little overwhelming to this Canadian chick who’s been living on her own since she was nineteen but we’ve been living at our temple/guesthouse and my partner is willing to continue to live outside of his home if it is too much for me to handle. Having already broken so many cultural rules to be with me, I figured the least I could do was explore this avenue. His family has accepted me with open hearts so I was eager to deepen my relationship with them and gain an understanding of daily life in a traditional home.

It’s not as crowded as you’d think; everyone shares a common courtyard (equipped with our very own cow that provides fresh milk daily.) The three oldest brothers live upstairs with their families, each in their own space; bachelor style apartments (room, kitchen and bathroom). Downstairs is the parent’s room, Papaji’s office, the youngest brother and his wife’s bedroom, there’s a living room, my partner’s room, a common kitchen and two bathrooms.

After one night I instantly understood the beauty of being surrounded by those you love. Waking up to serve morning chai with the youngest wife of the household, we giggled in the kitchen as she practiced her English and me my Hindi. Papiji singing songs of devotion as he went about his morning chores and the laughter of the children all filled my heart.

The differences amongst the women in our societies brought forth a valuable lesson. While they are content to remain inside the house each day, I found myself feeling a little shackwacky after two days and by the fourth day I was overwhelmed, in tears thinking about a future of confinement and housework. I wasn’t sure if these newly grown wings could handle being clipped so soon.  Working for years with spirit animals I noticed hornets buzzing for my attention. Three different rooms over three days I was confronted, they were communicating. The hornet represents the use of female warrior energy, sisterhood, understanding female societies and communal living. All of which I was surrounded by.

I sat with our homes deity to make an honest assessment of my emotions and soon realized I had become a prisoner of my own fear. Deep set patterning of “what if’s” instead of enjoying the love and simplicity that encompassed me. Staying present I’m allowing my heart to dream its future adventures without the fear of what “might” transpire from any given decision. I know if it feels right, the future will manifest in its most beautiful form...

My heart has found a home I’ve been dreaming of

For those who have been worried about me I feel the need this week to reassure you I have not joined a cult, shaved my head or given anyone my money.

I am in a relationship with a local and although there are still leaps to be made for women’s rights in India (and everywhere in this world) he and his family have a beautiful blend of traditional values mixed with modern mindset. This means that although the women of the house tend to their families the way women of the West did in the 50’s it’s not a step backwards in my opinion it is a step forward. A return to connection within the family unit is what is needed for our evolution in the West. Each of the women within my Indian family hold degrees and those who choose to have work outside the home do, but their family is always priority, not material gain.

Being from the west I know how I want to be treated and I won’t accept anything less than unconditional love and someone who inspires my inner growth. All of which I have manifested in this partnership beautifully.

You know the truth is when I first came to India I wanted a guru. It seemed like a wonderful rite of passage spiritually. Throughout my initial journey those I met encouraged me to have a direct line to God and tap into my own inner guru. This is what I have done (quite successfully I might add). I guess that’s why it hurts when people have such little faith in who I am and my strength to not lose myself. Heck that’s why I stepped out of society’s mainstream, in my opinion, that life is the biggest example of brainwashing.

I understand your fears are real considering the way India is portrayed in the media and when anyone steps out of conformity there is going to be some backlash, I knew and expected it but I want you to know I am happier than I ever imagined possible! As comedian George Carlin pointed out “people who dance are considered crazy by those who can’t hear the music.”

This week was fantastic for my inner growth. I focused my energy on the people who are touched by the honesty of my journey and let their love and support fill me so I can continue to forge ahead. I had fun attending a friend’s wedding and as per norm I was only white person in sight and to top it off everyone wanted a glimpse of the girl who stole the heart of Vrindavan’s most sought after bachelor. The event provided me with an opportunity to sink into the acceptance that I will often be watched with interest throughout my life in India and I managed to find grounded joy in showcasing my balancing act of West meets East.

Anything unattempted remains impossible

Mentioning challenges last week sparked interest so I’ll detail what some of mine are; firstly the language! Hindi is complicated. I sit amongst friends and my Indian family listening intently trying to pick up on the conversation, occasionally I comprehend enough words I can follow along but just when I think I have a grasp on the language I’m put into a situation where I don’t recognize a single word that is being uttered and when someone translates for me, my guess is off by a mile.

Being in an inter-cultural relationship in an area where it is virtually unheard of is another challenge; it’s not like Canada where it is accepted by most, here it is judged by most. We have the support of those that matter and fortunately combined with our faith in God’s will we can handle the naysayers. I think about the people in the West who have paved the way and I know my situation is nowhere near as hard as what others have suffered in the face of discrimination, so I smile knowing I am shedding light on outdated mindsets amid ignorance not hatred.

Rickshaw drivers and shopkeepers alike are always increasing their prices when they see me, even if I am with a local. I’ve  reprogrammed myself to think in rupees instead of dollars so I don’t waste money, luckily I have people teaching me what locals pay so I can try to get close to this price, it’s a constant battle and one that is not likely to end anytime soon.

Learning customs and cultural acceptances, I find myself nervous I’ll offend someone unwittingly but one of my Indian ‘bhabis’ (partners sister in law) explained I have no reason to stress. No one expects me to know exactly what to do and everyone is eager to teach me. There are certain customs which must be accepted if I am to truly live as Indians do; wearing traditional clothing, touching the feet of elders in an effort to obtain their blessings and many others but so far all feel very natural for me.

I also feel India’s challenge as a whole; it’s being bombarded by western materialism and the country is doing its best to keep Indian culture alive. New videos regularly that showcase alcohol and promiscuous behavior; the content of the majority of the latest Bollywood movies are shallow and lack dignity. There is a certain innocence I can see slipping away, virtues that disappeared decades ago in the West still have a pulse here and it’s my hope that children see me as an example of true western feminine mindset, someone who is strong, educated and loving. Independent yet connected to needs, showing them that the core values of faith in God, love for self, service to others and family bonds (blood or not) are what make a truly happy life. I pray I can be a beacon, by continuing on my path, learning to encompass the best of both worlds…

OM Sweet OM

I’ve been back in India for a week and each day I fall deeper in love with her. The journey of personal growth continues, living my life without knowing what is going to take place in any given moment requires courage and certainly fulfills my craving for adventure. Not needing to be in control affords a personal freedom I have wanted; surrender is empowering and truly is the key to inner happiness.

I’ve wondered what enlightenment really is and longed to obtain it, but now I think, for me, it means feeling lighter. Not a state to be obtained but a way of living life. Letting go lifts a burden that I didn’t even know existed. It’s allowed me to release the heaviness of what ifs or what’s next, that have been unknowingly weighing me down. It is an absolute surrender to the divine, a trust knowing that each day will provide exactly what is needed for my ascension. Seems very obvious to me now, kind of like looking everywhere for my sunglasses only to realize they are on my head!

I’m not saying my life is all rainbows and butterflies, there are challenges but now  any darkness that enters is easily washed away by inner light through meditation and moreover faith. There is no reason to not trust, I’ve always been led to the people, places and lessons I’ve needed in order to inspire my higher self. I not only trust, I give thanks to the darkness for showing itself. At this stage fear is the gateway to take another step on the proverbial ladder of life.

This week my chai addiction resurfaced and I jumped a bus to Delhi, literally. My partner and I needed to go to Delhi and he asked how I wanted to travel; car, motorcycle or bus. Public bus was the only mode of transportation I hadn’t yet experienced in India so off we set. Flagging down the bus on the side of the highway, it slowed just enough that we were able to hop on. We could not stop giggling once we found our seats; I felt one step closer to living as an Indian. I have also been watching the world cup in cricket and must admit what I thought was a painfully boring sport has proven to be quite exciting now that I understand what is going on during a match. There is a player on team India Sachin Tendulkar, known as the God of cricket, is retiring after almost thirty years of play. He’s broken almost every record in his career and it would be a gift from his entire team to go out with this win! Indians are on the edge of their seats with anticipation and I sit right along with them, I have not been this vested in a sporting event since Sydney Crosby scored the winning overtime goal to give Canada the win against America in last year’s Olympics. Go India Go!