Love Love Love

Love Love Love

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

"Who can hope to be safe? who sufficiently cautious? Guard himself as he may, every moment's an ambush." ~ Horace

We were packing the car for a drive into the city when I asked my husband not to put items in the backseat with the baby; in case there was an accident the items potentially could fly around and hit our son. He asked me why I was always thinking negatively. I defended myself saying I was being responsible not negative. I felt justified in my response but once we got on the road I began to ponder the truth. If we truly do create the world we live in with our thoughts then isn’t my partner correct in his opinion of my thoughts creating the “unsafe” world around me? Who says it’s unsafe? Common sense…or the media tells me there is potential danger on our roads and anyone who’s ever been in a collision or lost a loved one will agree. Statistics tell us we are more likely to survive a car accident if we have a seatbelt on, something so simple can make such a difference so why ignore it?

It will be an interesting balance as we migrate back to India where the safety concerns of the West play little to no role. Families pile into cars, even onto motorcycles without hesitation. My father in-law loads the kids each morning, four of them from the age of 2 to 12 onto his and whisks them off to the corner store for candy. My husband as well takes the children for rides all the time, my friends and family gasp at this idea but I remind them I was six months old the first time my uncle put me on his motorcycle and toured me around the neighborhood, so why would I ever deny my son that experience?

I chose to have a child who could be raised partially in India because of the freedom children there still have to be kids. They roam and play without an adult constantly hovering around, they get into trouble and explore their own limits discovering them, not adopting those set by their parents.

I would roam the woods near our home as child, alone with nature, I knew to come home when the street lights came on, I had no cell phone and if my mom needed me urgently she stood in our doorway and yelled my name until I heard her, she never panicked if I didn’t come instantly. Sometimes the world I was discovering was just too intoxicating and she’d have to call my name for an hour before it would penetrate my senses and call me back to reality. Some argue the world is a different place now but I argue for every negative story you hear in the news there are one hundred wonderful events that haven’t been mentioned.

I want my son to enjoy being a child for as long as possible, and I hope my husband can continue to remind me not to put my fears on my son. I know we will find balance as our son will inevitably fall down, experience skinned knees, cry, feel fear, but I know more often he will laugh, enjoy, and marvel in shear delight at the world around him. He only gets to be a ‘kid’ for so long and that precious time of fearlessness, as we can remember, is all too short. I will use my instincts as a mother to guide him and keep him from serious harm, a safety net per say but not a bubble.



Thank you for your continued support










Friday, February 3, 2012

What a beautiful thing to hold loves itself in your arms

It’s been awhile since my last blog and I apologize for that, as you know I had a precious baby boy nine weeks premature, I was warned the first three months of motherhood would be a blur, having reached that milestone I assure you it’s true and only this week have I finally come up for air.

So I guess a recap is needed; my son went to the neonatal unit and within six hours he had pulled out his ventilator and was breathing without issue, he did have a few episodes of SVT even while cuddled in my arms, it was terrifying, the monitors whaled their alarms as I sat helplessly watching his heart rate gain speed, the nurses fetched him from me and began their maneuvers, cardiology came running and everyone hovered around, tears streamed down my cheeks and once again I found comfort in my mantra. Our instincts to protect our children are inherent and we do this as best we can but this situation taught me quickly I wasn’t in control, it forced me to let go if just slightly and trust God’s plan, my son was born of me, I am gifted with the experience of mothering him but ultimately he is a child of God and his karma is his alone to work through.

The great news is within a week he was on the right dose of medication and we’ve been episode free ever since. Doctors assure me by six months of age he will simply outgrow his meds and the chances of a reoccurrence is rare.

Three days after giving birth I was released from the hospital but my son was kept behind. It was horrible, I begged the social worker for a parent room but with only eight rooms and forty sites in NICU they reserved the rooms for those who were in transition getting ready to head home or on a sadder note those undergoing palliative care, so I arrived at the hospital each morning and spent my days sitting in a chair snuggled in the recommended skin to skin (which ironically had been brought to the hospital after a team spent time on a research project in India). As I held my baby I fell deeper in love with each moment, weighing in at only 3.1lbs the warmth of my body helped him grow, I did reiki and tried to not concentrate on the monitors instead told him stories about the spiritual adventures we would embark on, I sang lullabies, read stories and dozed throughout the day with him on my chest.

He spent one week in the "intensive" unit, I arrived one morning to find his site cleared, panic hit my stomach when a nurse came towards me "great news, he’s been moved to "intermediate!" He spent another short week there, his IV came out and with that we transferred to the "transitional" unit. He came out of his incubator and was being kept now simply as a "feeder and grower" (which meant learning to breastfeed and putting on the weight needed before he could be released.) By week’s end a nurse fought to get me a parent room, he was ready to go to breast and we felt if I was there for all feeds it would take no time at all, I got to move into the hospital and within days my little guy was actively breast feeding, his feeding tube came out by the end of the week and we got to enjoy the next couple of weeks fattening him up.

Being with the NICU team for so long was a gift, their expertise and guidance helped me build my confidence as a new mother, I owe them a debt of gratitude. We were released just before my partner arrived from India after battling the Canadian Embassy for an entry visa. He was finally able to wrap his arms around his baby boy; it was a magical moment as we all let out an exhale, united as a family. We’ve been enjoying life adapting to our new roles sleeping, eating and changing poopy diapers and now just as our routine is somewhat established we are preparing for our return to India. It will be interesting to learn parenting skills from a set of women in a culture that is opposite of the one I’ve grown accustomed to, I’ll share my insights…



Thank you for your continued support