Aligning habits aligned with desires

I've been torn over what to write about next. There are so many aspects of my life that would like a voice but yet each day since my last blog when I sat at my computer I drew a blank, what do I really want to put out here now?

I don't like to rehash the past but I think it's an important aspect of my journey and a few of you have expressed interest in understanding a dark night experience.

I came across this great article this week on Dark Night of the Soul that may help you to understand what I and maybe even you have experienced.

My dark night was intense and long, not the first one I've ever experienced but the longest and most challenging. It essentially challenged every aspect of my life and while for the most part it has lifted, I'm still working through processing all of the information and implementing the changes that have to occur in order for me to find the one thing I've been praying for; Inner Peace.

It's a lofty prayer, filled with so much interpretation. When people come to visit me or join in on our of our Spiritual Adventures at our Guesthouse there is one particular temple we always try to fit in. This temple is renowned in India for having your prayers answered. I can attest; my marriage to my Indian love, my babies, trips to Canada all manifested within a short period of time after being present within this sacred space, the auspicious energy of the area and deity can be felt and I have no doubt it is a vortex.

Over the last year my prayer has been for lasting inner peace. When I think of inner peace I think of a relaxed life, where everything just kinda flows easy breezy. I don't expect that life will be perfect all the time but my prayers have simply been to bring that sense of joy and ease back into my world.

Like anything inner peace is possible but it takes work, inner work, and continuous practice. 

My dark night was a deep cleaning of sorts. First I had to recognize all of the patterns that have kept me from my peace. The thing is if you're willing to see them, you'll then notice that everything and everyone around you that is negative or disturbing is merely a reflection of your own truth. This can be a hard pill to swallow. I wasn't sure what to do with the information being tossed at me.

My honeymoon with the country I call home ended. I began to see the injustice, the poverty, the pollution, the patriarchal society that I had agreed to raise my children in. I was feeling overwhelmed and very alone.

My marriage began to suffer. It seemed that no matter what I said or did my husband wasn't happy with me. In one moment he was supportive and filled with love and next irate or withdrawn. I began to walk on egg shells around him, worried that I would set off one of his moods.

I felt I could only connect with the women of my house if I was complaining about something, so I shared my list of grievances with them, often. Negativity is like cancer when it spreads and I was consumed.

The stress was taking a toll on my health physically and mentally. I was no longer able to focus and really my children where the ones who were suffering at my lack of light which only intensified the darkness surrounding me.

I began to sink into an anxiety filled depression.

I read somewhere depression is when are thoughts are in the past and anxiety is when our thoughts are in the future. Check and Check!

I was spending a lot of time wondering how I would survive and be happy again in this country, in my marriage, in this world. I was also growing increasingly resentful of all I had left behind in Canada to be here. Never a good cycle.

I did the only thing I could, I turned to prayer. I prayed for direction, for connection to truth, for the inner peace I longed to experience again, and I opened up to see, hear and feel the truth.

See the thing is messages are everywhere and once I began to remember that it is all God the messages began to pour in. The universe began showing me what I needed to do. Angels were guiding me back home, back into my light, my alignment.

I started by getting back on my yoga mat. I started there because that was where I was when I wsas my happiest, my most connected. Twenty minutes was the goal, connection to higher self is the true goal of yoga, union. Release began there, that is the first step in healing, releasing all that no longer serves you.

More importantly for me I began waking up before everyone in my family and meditating. I couldn't turn on my computer, or the television with this prompt. It seemed my angels were diligent at nailing this message home! Understandably meditation is the key to my calm, I know, I've known it for decades, even if it is for only 5 minutes it's something and life (day) altering.

Then I was prompted to write, I was added to blogger group, I was inspired by writing groups but I started slowing with notes; when I was stressed out by anyone, I'd write it out, Why I was stressed, if there was anything I could do to change the situation, what would I like to outcome to be and the key was at the end to make a list of all the things I loved about the person "who was stressing me out".

To help my marriage I was led to a crazy amount of quotes and writings on love and relationships. I began to understand my husband was showing me my own lack of self worth, a part of my blueprint I came into this life to work through.

To help our relationship  I began playing the music each morning that my husband and I fell in love to during our courtship.

Each time he spewed venom at me I recognized it was my own beliefs coming back at me. It only hurt when I thought it was true.

Beautiful teachers and their lessons were being brought into my world via the internet and teachings were bringing me into a whole new understanding. Each time hubby stung me I had to look in the mirror, it was my truth, something I believed to be true about myself.

One teacher in particular said "if someone said Oh My God you look like a Chinese person! how would you respond?" I know I'd probably think the person had gone insane. Well this is how crazy I needed to think Hubby was when he said anything I perceived as an insult and you know what, it has worked.




My marriage is in such an amazing place, hubby can still have moods as any of us humans can but they are few and far between and instead of lasting for days they last only minutes. My response, usually a smile on the inside and to just love him through it. That's all any of us want, unconditional love despite our flaws. His reactions like any of us tend to come from our own place of stress and lack on inner peace. The more peaceful I am, the more he and everyone around me is.




When I do spend time with the ladies of my home I keep the conversation focused on all that is great in our lives, if they can't shake it, I convince them to put on music and shake it off, usually with the assistance of the kids. kids have a great way at bringing laughter and joy into a room!

To fall back in love with the country I was calling home I began my blog on all the things I love about living in India (which will continue because in truth the list is long!)

These were just some of the changes I implemented that really helped to bring a bit of balance back into my world. Perhaps I'll write more on the lessons that came forth but for now I leave you in a place of understanding what I did to bring me out of it.
Because where I am now is worth talking about so much more than where I was. 

It's why I prefer the question "how are you" verses "how have you been" keeping life centred in the present moment is one of my keys to inner peace.

Tell me are your habits aligned with your desires?


In Light and Love
Namaste

A list of things I love about living in India...6 ~ Suits and Sari's

Next in my series on what I love about living in India is...

Suits and Sari's

The simplicity and elegance of the sari and comfort and ease of the suit take the stress out of fashion for me. Years in and I'm really just coming into my own sense of style. When I made the decision to marry a traditional Indian boy I also agreed to go all in, which meant covering myself in non sexy Indian garb. My husband is of the old school thought that my body should only been adored by him and like many men in his culture the thought of another man coveting his wife is not something he can take in stride. 


After marriage I was to wear only sari's for the first few weeks, my mother in laws rules. I got off easy my oldest Sister in Law had to wear a sari every day for one year! But hubby said enough was enough and while in the home I could convert to wearing suits and only during outings for the first six  months I was to wear a sari. Part of me resisted of course, no Canadian girl is going to like being told what I can and cannot wear but then I realized I loved this man, and it didn't matter what I had on, heck it's not like he was asking me to wear a burqa and truth be told I love him enough that I would! Once I surrendered it was actually nice, I always feel so feminine wrapped in this beautiful timeless fabric.

My husband admitted the first time he saw me in a sari he wanted to marry me on the spot. I can say the same, when I saw him in a traditional India suit for the first time, my heart skipped a beat, it was like looking at eternal love itself.













Suits can be ready made or purchased as material pieces then sewn together by a tailor to your specifications. My tastes and requirements have changed over the years. There are fancy party suits which I have yet to purchase, I still opt for a sari when we are heading out to any special functions but for everyday suits it can feel like you are sitting around in your pajama's all day, and that can make any girl, especially a Mom chasing two toddlers quite happy!

Stay tuned for the next installment in my series "What I love about living in India"

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Day 27 through 30 of my Challenge - the next phase...

People who love drama don't give up easy, they don't like to go away without a fight and often will do what they can to create it, turns out this is just as much me as anyone else I've been trying to blame. 

Some of us are just dramatic people and little things can be made into big things. But see I'm as paradoxical as the country of India I presently call home. More often than not the big things that the masses would stress about seem to leave me tension free, i.e. loosing a job, death of a loved one, these things are life to me and I'm able to concentrate on the adventure that can come about when nothing is sure or live in the sweet memories of a departed loved one instead of questioning why. 

Even more interestingly is how negative I can be at times yet I'm consistently optimistic.

What I have discovered during this challenge over the last thirty days is a deeper sense of self, I have come to terms with my negative tendencies and am now conscious of this victim mentality I have adopted that unfortunately flows through the rivers of womanhood here in India. But in true paradoxical form its also where Goddess is re-emerging, where I have also encountered some of the strongest women I know. Where the simple act of motherhood and being a doting wife is revered among sisters and society. Its a step back in time and into the future with the same footing.

I realized I may have pushed my sense of self downward a little while trying to conform to an idea of what I am supposed to be like while living in traditional Indian culture. Part of me had been missing but I understand it has all been a choice and feelings of resentment towards this way of life that one day can feel like a gift and another feel like a prison have to be resolved. When you make a choice you must be willing to live with the consequences or simply make another choice and the truth is when I'm connected to my authentic truth, when I'm Reposing or on my Yoga mat my heart is singing with the gifts that are around me, with this beautiful world I have created. 

During this challenge some the darkest parts of me came forward for cleansing and I'd like to say now I'm perfectly peaceful but that is not the case. I am however aware of my tendencies to get overwhelmed when I don't take a minute to center (or seven in Repose), how irritable I get when I don't eat well or drink enough water. How it is okay to ask for help and it's also okay if I don't get it in the form I had envisioned.

There is a difference between knowing the path and walking the path

I want to keep walking this path and my intention is to continue to Repose and find time on my Yoga mat each day but I know it's also time to add another element. Tomorrow I begin work on my Bhakti path, which is the path of love and devotion. The obvious path in this Holy town I live in that is world renown for its Bhakti lifestyle. I will be visiting temples as often as possible and getting deeper in touch with divine part of my being and my version of source energy. I hope you'll stay tuned...

Day Twenty Three through Twenty Six of my Challenge ~ My Guru

Yesterday marked a turning point for me. It seems I've been drawing light into the darkest recesses of my being which is the point of this challenge but its hard to face the dark and my ego desperately wants to engage with those around me.

I was feeling depleted and weakened by the events around me which I don't really want to get into because they do not have a real baring on what my journey is, just know that I felt like I have been under constant verbal attack, like somehow I was not enough, I felt beaten down at times and questioned how much more I could withstand. Even with the knowledge that is was my own lack of self worth being directed at me I still couldn't stop my mind from dwelling in victim mode, I wondered how much longer I could tolerate this emotional roller coaster I seemed to be riding and then like magic this little gem showed up

This simple yet profound statement is everything I have been eluding to, everything I have understood intellectually but somehow didn't comprehend. Over the years I have been able to cultivate this when dealing with acquaintances but for the very first time it resonated as my core truth when dealing with loved ones.

I was able to look at the perceived tormentor, my beloved and see with compassion that it was not my insecurities but perhaps his own. I was able to listen without allowing the words to settle in my skin, they did not weigh down my heart and only entered one ear and quickly exited the other. In that moment I understood that everything I have been praying for is right in front of me. One cannot find inner peace without dealing with all of their *hit first.

There is absolutely no anger, no resentment and certainly no belief that anyone else's words hold my truth. The recognition that the teacher, mentor I've been searching for is all around me. Living in a Holy Town in India I often get asked who my Guru is and my response is always the same; "God is my guru, my husband is my guru, my children are my gurus, the beautiful masters the divine leads me to are my gurus, the sweet souls I encounter are my gurus, everything is my Guru." Finally, finally they are not just words. From the deepest part of me, from my core I can feel myself surrendering to life...my Guru.

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Day Nineteen of my Challenge - put to the test

Presence, what does that mean?
For me it means being fully aware and engaged in whatever it is I am doing.

We live in a day in age when multitasking is all the rage, the more we can get done in a single moment the more effective we are, but for who?

Does any one task truly get the presence of mind it deserves?

I used to get frustrated with my husband because he is not a multitasker, he would get frustrated with me because I wouldn't do something "with mind" as he called it. Together we are finding balance.

When we are present in whatever we are engaged in our whole being is there, we are not thinking about what else has to be done through the day. We are not replaying what has already occurred this week, we are simply being. Now yes one can consciously choose to spend  time reflecting on past events, or planning what we'd like to accomplish in what time period but we must be aware of where our thoughts are at all times, this for me is presence.

I'm just as guilty as the next gal, I often catch myself writing this blog while I'm cooking dinner or thinking about my next status update while I'm reading posts from friends. Catching your thoughts or rather letting your thoughts go is surrender. Surrendering to what is, without trying to escape from the reality you've created around you and embracing all that life is the presence I'm cultivating with this challenge.

Today I was tested in surrender, firstly it marked the beginning of that lovely time of month we women share, I don't usually blog about menstruation but trust me I bring it up because it will be relevant. I decided to do an online yoga class geared at honoring the menstrual cycle and was half way through the VERY relaxing practice when my phone rang, the kids were sleeping so I jumped up to answer it, hubby informed me that my friends were here. "What?" I stammered...

I had been chatting with a friend who was in Delhi on vacation and hoping to make the trek to our auspicious town but her husband had been under the weather and they were beginning to run short on time. She mentioned that today was the day they would like to arrive but I didn't hear from her so I assumed her hubby was still not feeling up to travelling. Low and behold here they were in our Holy Town searching for us, she couldn't get through on my phone and I wasn't receiving her messages on social media.

For a second I panic'd, what was I going to do with them? Now that my monthly visitor had arrived it wasn't like I could take them to any of the five thousand temples our town in known for. I have mentioned numerous times that we live in a Holy Town here in India and with that comes certain rules; like not entering any sacred site while menstruating.

I can hear you now echoing my same questions years ago "who is going to know?" "will someone be checking you before you enter a temple?" and the answer is no, no one will check and I, along with my husband, would be the only ones to know. I recently caught myself arguing "explain to me why?" No one has a clear answer, its just not considered clean. Again the feminist in me bangs her head against the wall. this mentality from ancient times sure I can understand but nowadays we have extra absorbency pads and even better tampons or Devi cups. I'd still like to know what makes us women impure during this time so please enlighten me if you know.

In the meantime I choose to surrender. I chatted with my friend over chai and explained the situation, she too being married to an Indian and living in 'Westernized' India six month out of the year said it probably wouldn't stop her but respected my decision. We discussed many "rules" while she was here that I abide by, "How do you do it? How do you handle being told you can't do something?" she asked with genuine curiosity. I explained I'm the one that made the choice to live in a foreign culture, one that came with rules and restrictions. I can't expect it to change just because I'm here and would like it a certain way. I made the choice so I have to accept what is the reality around me. I bend rules where I can, I get away with a lot more than my Indian sister in laws but some rules no matter how absurd they may seem, have meaning, and if they mean something to my husband my love for him allows me to just follow it. Does it hurt me to not go to temple for a few days out of each month? No not at all, so why fight it? There are so many wonderful things to focus on about my life here getting caught up in the restrictions are not worth my time.

Its probably a good thing I didn't know she was coming I would have stressed not knowing how to entertain someone in my Bhakti town, but we had a blast, We went to Prem Mandir which my hubby and I lovingly refer to as the Vegas of Vrindavan with its lights and water show. With so much to see and do outside of worship it was a perfect evening. We were able to sit outside enjoying the sights and sounds of the grounds,  my three year old guided them inside the temple for Darshan (prayers), we ate great food and laughed loudly.  It really is a spectacle and my friends loved every inch of it! I was there, not worried about what will do tomorrow, trusting it will reveal itself when the moment arrives, for now I'm basking in the ability to surrender and gratitude for the lesson of day.

Day Sixteen of my Challenge -

I am starting to feel a lot better, physically at least! I found another nice restorative yoga session online which seemed to bring some prana (life force) back to my body. I also did a meditation to OM being chanted this morning. It is one of my favorite pieces of sacred music to listen to, I find it so grounding and uplifting at the same time. OM is believed to be the divine vibration that started the earth (my Christian friends think of "let their be light") it said that we all, everything on Earth vibrates at the frequency of OM. The recorded healing properties associated with this auspicious chant are countless. I can't help but think what took me me so long to get back to it?

Along with some very nice words of encouragement from a number of you, a dear childhood friend sent me a link to this song with a note "this song always makes me think of you. Not sure if it's because you're one of the strongest and bravest people I know or if I imagine you saying this to me...wither way I wanted to share."

The kids and I have been listening to it all day, I think it has become a sort of anthem for my life and this challenge. It is taking courage to continue with this challenge, there are days I'd prefer to just crawl into a hole and hide but there is no turning back now and I'm grateful I've made myself accountable to you, its partly what keeps me going. Being accountable combined with the tastes of pure bliss and knowing the vitality I am capable of. Longing for the place of pure love we are made of, our natural state, and I personally will stop at nothing to achieve it again.

Sometimes we have to dissolve into the darkness, nothingness, sometimes our hearts have to break over and over again to let the light in, sometimes we have to get sick to appreciate our health. The beauty is rejoicing in the human-ness of it all.

But mostly we need to remember how big our brave is!

Day Thirteen through Fifteen of my Challenge

I haven't posted in three days because I haven't been feeling great, I came down with a nasty cough and cold. I did manage to lay in corpse pose and even got my feet up the wall, I'm going to count it as Yoga since it was even hard to accomplish Repose. All I wanted to do was curl up in fetal position and had to literally force myself to lay on my back with my arms and legs open, it was actually painful!

I'm not surprised that I've gotten sick during this challenge, my family here says its from the change in weather which I'm sure has played its part but the reality is this challenge can be exhausting. Its a fight with the ego, some say that is the bloodiest war any human can engage in. In order to get to the truth we must break down the walls ego has built around us and listen to the whisper of our heart. Facing ones soul is not the easiest task to undertake.

I find myself often head swirling caught up in a web of confusion, trying to decipher what is truth and what is fiction. Telling myself to simply be and let it unfold around me but anyone who has ever attempted this work will understand that is not always easy. I continue to drum up not so pleasant experiences and can't for a life of me understand why these manifestations of ugliness persist and at what point I will be able to find the warmth of inner peace even when the winds blow cold and hard against me.

See that is it one of the key lessons for me thus far; it is so easy to be Shanti when everyone around me is happy but as soon as the wind picks up and energies around me become agitated I begin to feed off of them and all footing is lost.

Remaining rooted during a hurricane is how the tree survives but trying to find time or ways to ground myself while nursing a cold and taking care of toddlers is a bit more than this Intercultural Mama has time for. My hubby holds me in his arms at night wincing with each coughing fit, holding me tighter as my body shivers despite the fever but in the morning like most stay at home moms from any country the household work needs a doin'. It seems like the more I ask for help the less help I receive and not out of anything other than divine intervention. Hubby will get a phone call from someone and have to leave immediately for a work related situation, which means I'm on my own. Two toddlers, also fighting the same bug I have, who need to be bathed, fed, entertained and cuddled. They would lay down for their nap and I'd crawl onto the bed laying my head on the pillow sleep just about to set in when someone would bang on my door for whatever reason. I'd deal with what needed to be dealt with and join the babies again to have the phone ring, it was ongoing.

I'd lay down and ponder the lesson I was to learn from this illness which of course kept me in cycle of thought which is not where rest exists, urg! This challenge and growing consciousness is not easy indeed. But at some point I have to stop trying to figure it all out, stop trying to make sense of anything and trust, trust that even with all my aches and pains it is so worth it!

Day Twelve of my Challenge - Feeling picked on

I can sometimes feel picked on living here in India, it actually seems to a theme among masala bloggers of late. Masala refers to those of us who are not from India but married to Indians, Masala translates to "blend of spices" and I have recently connected with an entire community online, it has been a blessing being able to share with these beautiful ladies. The majority live in their home countries but still face inter cultural struggles and parenting issues, its nice to have these women to share experiences and garner advice from.

One of my dear friends Madh Mama described her experience "It is hard when people constantly pick you apart and talk about you when you're right in front of them. When they comment on your dress, appearance, your movements, what you're eating, and your facial expressions. At times, I feel as if I'm the lone fish in an aquarium."  

It is the Indian way, they do it to one another and they really take pleasure in doing it to a Westerner, they don't mean harm by it, it's just in their nature. After years of this bothering me this week, because of this challenge, I've been able to witness words more instead of allowing them to get under my skin. If the words are being said to me they are a reflection of a belief I still hold, my lack of self worth being vocalized so I may continue to build esteem. I once read, and I'm paraphrasing, that you must believe in yourself so strongly that if someone says something to you that could be perceived as negative, you would look at them like they were crazy and you'd have absolutely no idea what was coming out of their mouth because it wasn't true.

Every comment in the last few years has felt like an attack, that somehow I'm not enough. Nobody has ever said that to me but my ego would love to have me believe it. Most self esteem issues begin in childhood during development, at some point we begin to compare ourselves to everyone and everything we see around us, so many factors come into play and I'm not sure at what point my self worth leveled off or sunk but I feel so grateful for all of these lessons in light during this challenge. The awakening in my mind, the opening in my heart and shift in my soul is tangible.

I'm giving some thought to this and would love to know what you would say!

Words can be misinterpreted but inner knowing and acceptance is truth

I have never had a conversation with my brother in laws. Never. Not two words spoken. And its not because we don't speak the same language, my Hindi is improving a bit since I began listening to pod casts while I cook, and they speak some English but it has never happened because it is not culturally acceptable.

I'm not even suppose to look the older brothers in the eyes, in fact I'm not supposed to look any male in the eyes here in India; I get it, it's considered disrespectful or for some a lot can be contained or misread within a look. Prostitutes use their eyes as a way to solicit clients and this is a country where affairs still happen frequently. I am in no way saying they don't in the West but here in rural India it is still somewhat culturally acceptable. In fact weeks after my husband and I were married he said "I want to make you a promise." his promise was that he would "never have a physical relationship with another woman." I was like; "Um, yeah, duh, were married." Years later I understand the value of that promise.

*Side note Brajwasi's (refers the local people of the area we live in) believe that you can never make a promise while in Braj that you do not intend to keep because you if break that promise your next birth will not be so good.

Looking into one another's eyes is a way to flirt and again I understand the concept, my husband and I spent hours "eye dancing" as it's called here in India; just being lost in one another's gaze, in fact there is a story of a king and queen who could climax by just gazing into one another's eyes. So I get it and I try not to judge it, it is as it is and when you choose to embrace life in a foreign country you can't expect things to be the way you're used to them. It is just so foreign to me as a Canadian girl, we are known world wide for our friendly nature, hearty smiles, and warm hugs.

It is interesting to me in general the lack of physical affection between family members in our joint family home. Back in Canada we are always touching one another; hugging, a hand on the shoulder, a subtle nudge but I've never seen affection other than towards children here. I remember one day years ago my father in law asking if we touch the feet of elders in Canada, I told him "no we hug", and he giggled like a school boy.

Now don't get me wrong affection exists, it is common to see grown men walking down the street holding hands or with their arms draped around one another. But in my little traditional town you rarely see a guy and a girl holding hands and if you do; guaranteed they aren't from our area. My husband has never touched me in public or in front of a family member, fortunately he is super lovey-dovey in our room in front of our children and when we travel to Canada he adapts and becomes a hugging machine.


Now although there has never been a direct conversation between me and my brother in laws they have learned all about me, and me about them, via my husband or sister in laws. I feel very bonded to them, I view them as my bothers and just being in their presence I know I am protected, I know I am cared for and I know they look at me as their sister and would do absolutely anything for me and my children.

Words can be misinterpreted but inner knowing and acceptance is truth.

A Hindu fast brought me to a new place of being...

Karva Chauth was yesterday it is a fast observed by married Hindu women for the well being and longevity of their husbands.

Firstly I don't believe in any God that looks upon people as good or bad, deserving or undeserving, I believe we are born with one gift bestowed upon us from the creator and that is free will. There is some karma that comes into play, circumstances of life etc... but the reality we live in is our own manifestation. Our thoughts create this world. Simple. Conditioning and cultural beliefs continue to limit or empower us and dissolving patterns that no longer serve and taking control of ones thoughts is work, something I've been working on for over a decade now and it's still a work in progress. I'm telling you my beliefs because I could not approach this fast the same way my Hindu born sister in laws and mother in law did.

All of my western friends and family ask "well when do the men fast for the women?" The answer is "they don't" at first four years ago when I heard of this fast this was my response. I was angry that it always falls to the women to ensure health and prosperity for their husbands but time has changed my viewpoint.

I couldn't observe the fast back then, I had just given birth to our son who arrived two and half months premature. I was in Canada my Husband was frantically trying to get his visa to join us, I was overwhelmed, scared, but filled with all of the strength a mother can muster, I needed all my energy for our baby and my healing. my husband concurred.

The next year when the fast arrived I was pregnant with our second child and while many women still observe the fast while pregnant it was something I was not comfortable with especially with all that had happened in my first pregnancy, fortunately my husband and family in India felt the exact same way.

Last year I was in Canada visiting family with our two children. I decided to attempt it but I've admitted I cheated, sort of. The premise is that we fast from sunrise to moonrise, well the moon was visible by mid afternoon, so I did my little pooja and ate, I forgot the part aboutwe  watching my husbands face, but we still laugh at my attempt.

My husband questioned my ability to complete the strict fast that does not allow for even a single drop of water. I knew he wanted me to do it but would never pressure me, plus there is the whole cheating element, I mean I could always sneak a drink in my room when no one was looking, but why, what would be the point.

This time around I approached the fast as a challenge. I have climbed the Andes and jumped out of an airplane, there isn't anything I haven't accomplished that I truly wanted to.

I chose to observe this fast because it means a lot to my husband. I don't need him to fast for me in return. Just as I love him, not because he loves me but because I love for the beauty of loving.



It was a long morning without my usual liter of warm water and hot cup of chai but fortunately my kids were tired and took a three hour nap by lunchtime. I dozed on and off with them through the afternoon, at one point a saw the biggest spider I have ever seen in my life crawl across my ceiling, I jumped up and grabbed our broom but I knew if I started banging around trying get it out of my home I'd wake the kids so I settled back down. I knew it had to be a hallucination and then remembered all animals have a message for us; "The spider is a remarkable figure of feminine energy and creativity. Spiders are characterized by the skilled weaving of intricate webs and patience in awaiting their prey, Spiders remind us to tune into life's ebbs and flows and ingeniously weave every step of our destiny."







A little while later I was laying in a meditative, or comatose depending on how you look at it, state when a ray of purple light shot down through the ceiling into my head and coursed through my body. All of my training as a holistic healer knew my crown chakra had just opened.


The crown chakra is our connection to the divine, and our ability to be fully connected spiritually. I knew Goddess energy and just been awakened in my body, I felt different, empowered, beautiful and alive in my feminine energy.






My husband came home and took the children so I could help prepare the feast for our pooja (worship ceremony) and ourselves. I dressed in a beautiful red and gold sari and in true Chanda Mama (the moon) tradition she stayed hidden until hours after her normal arrival. Along with my mother in law and four sister in laws (and my Nanny Ji via Skype) we did pooja in the room that houses our home deity, making offerings of sweets, bread and curry and rice to the divine. Then each of us took turns doing a ritual to the moon and our respective husbands.

My husband then brought me to our room and fed me a glass of water, it was romantic and beautiful. We shared a delicious meal along with our children and look of love in his eyes is even stronger than it was the day we married...

I have taken responsibility once again for my own happiness

I live in India. I actually live in India.

Sometimes I have to stop and remind myself of this because it's easy to get caught up in the every day and forget to be thrilled by adventure around me. I often forget I’m from Canada living on the other side of the world in a culture that is completely foreign to most, mainly because it often feels so natural for me. I usually forget that I am different from anyone else on the street. I refer to most non-Indians as foreigners just like the locals do, not even realizing I too am considered a foreigner by most onlookers. I forget I’m white until I see another white person or I notice a certain discerning stare that can follow me when I’m out on the street and then I think oh yeah, I’m a white girl living in this holy city. There are others but few and far between and I’ve yet to come across one that is like me, most are devotees of one Guru or another, they wear tilak (spiritual marking on their forehead) and dress in Gopi dresses (something I’ve yet to see an Indian girl in, even though it is still considered cultural dress) and live a life that is quite different from mine.

My point is no matter where life takes you or where you find yourself living it’s easy to get caught up and allow it to become mundane, unless of course you consciously choose otherwise. I may be on the opposite side of the world but I still get up cook, clean, go to work, play with my son, wash rinse repeat... it’s easy to let it all lose its magic. But since the 2012 shift I feel something awakening in me, this last year was spent letting go, learning to surrender, the process is far from complete but I have a deeper appreciation for the life I have created, I have taken responsibility once again for my own happiness and reminded myself to be grateful for everything thing that appears in my daily life, even if it seems trivial or worse; annoying.

When I first began travelling to what is now my home town in India it used to hold such magic for me. It was my playground the place where I felt most spiritually alive, where my heart danced in the every day; I know that is why I came to live here. But with so much change since that move not even three years ago; a new marriage, living in a joint family, trying to learn a new language, having a baby, traveling between Canada and India, adapting to new roles, getting pregnant again, and the list goes on… I realized I hadn’t allowed myself much time to digest it all. I was frustrated with myself for feeling out of balance but the shift helped me release a lot of pent up anger/frustration and I found my hearts dance again, my truth surfaced once again and I began to remember why I made such a bold life decision and with that it became easier to express why I made this move and what is needed for me to be authentically happy.

I believe in love there needs to some sacrifice, a great quote from the book the Secret Daughter “the key to a successful marriage is for each spouse to give as much as they thought they possibly could, then give a little more” really rang true for me. I felt like I had been giving and sacrificing too much of myself, I was beginning to harbor resentment but in an a-ha moment with that passage I understood that it was no one’s doing but own, I had been giving and giving but not asking for what I needed in return. I have more in me to give but I had put my own dreams on the back burner, they were still simmering but because I wasn’t adding anything to them, wasn’t paying attention to them at all, they began to burn (hence the pent up anger)

All of that being said I began to voice my dreams again and with an unbelievable soulmate at my side there is now some wonderful change transpiring. My husband and I have decided to completely renovate our guesthouse to make it more functional, we are renovating a portion for us to live in. I have enjoyed my time living in a joint family but I crave a space I can call mine, a space that is my sanctuary, being raised in Canada this is what is normal for me and although I would never trade the time I’ve had living with my large Indian family to find balance and run the types of retreats I want this is the most logical step. As the work began on what will be my deepest heart’s desire manifested before my eyes I began seeing the magic again all around me. Last night as the Indian sun set I watched a group of monkeys make their way to what I can only assume they call home each night, a mommy monkey climbed up the wall with her little one snuggled to her chest and a smile crossed my lips at the human like similarities as my son sat snuggled on my chest. I was breathing in the moment recognizing this discovery channel moment as “my normal”, my son spotted the monkey and began making monkey noises at them,  a simple Canadian girl from a small city living amongst a very different backdrop, once again grateful for all that I have manifested and am manifesting in this spiritual adventure we call life.

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Think of this life as a game, it would not be exciting without fear, apprehension and anxiety at times

We’ve been home in India for nearly three weeks and I’ve already changed as a mother, I’m more relaxed, I have to be, or I’ll make myself crazy. As the mother of a preemie germs were ingrained as the enemy but let’s face it I live in India and germs are a part of everyday life. I do what I can to keep him safe but the truth is it’s not up to me if something is going to get him. They say we all have cancer inside of us but it only become active in some, why is this? I’ve had to kind of adopt this mentality, I mean I don’t let him drink tap water or pick up a soother from the floor and put it back in his mouth, I still sterilize his items but when my three year old niece coughs then proceeds to put her hand on my sons face my mind wants to panic but I can’t, kids here aren’t taught about the exchange of bacteria and she doesn’t know English yet so I can’t stop her I just have to succumb. He did develop his first cold and we survived it, I think the two days were harder on me then him. He laughed and cooed per norm, he was off a little, cried more often and his little nose was packed but I did what I could; reiki continuously and held him when he needed it, he’s recovered now and stronger for it.

I’ve also noticed Indians are lot louder with babies, often raising their voice louder than the crying babies in an effort to sooth them, it does work usually but I’m still more of the gentle whisper of a sing and soft rocking style mom. I’ve given my little guy massages since he was born, this is something that is practiced normally here in India but their massage style is much more aggressive, at first was apprehensive but interestingly my son seems to enjoy it more than my normal massage technique and in my opinion Indians, especially the kids are a sturdy bunch of people so I guess there is something to be said for it.

One of the practices we have is applying Kajal on babies; basically it’s lining their eyes with what looks like black eyeliner but is an herbal concoction. It is believed to protect the child from something called bad eyes. While they’re really little we also put a black dot above their left eye, this is a practice I’ve done with him since birth. I was excited to see him with black around his eyes and I wasn’t disappointed, his beauty actually brought tears to my eyes. Some examples of bad eyes are when someone looks at your child and has bad thoughts, that’s the obvious one but also if someone thinks your child is more attractive than theirs, or if they wanted a child and could never have one they may feel some jealousy, all of these energies are depleting to the child. Many cultures have a ritual for bad eyes in fact one of the nurses at the IWK who was originally from the middle east shared hers with me, she also informed me bad eyes can even be given by a mother unintentionally.

We had our first experience on the motorcycle and at first he panicked. I had him wrapped against my body in his cuddly wrap but once the wind hit him he contorted his body and put his face against the blowing air gasping for breath. We had to pull over, we drove slowly and I did my best to keep him settled and sheltered, my heart ached for his fear as his body remained tensed against me. We reached our destination and he was asleep within minutes, recovering I suppose. He woke as we were leaving and this time on the bike he stayed snuggled down, completely relaxed, breathing quite easily, he is a quick adapter, my heart smiled.

What else is new… Oh my son is addicted to television, I swore I’d never be one of “those” mothers but who am I to judge you gotta do what you gotta do. I allow him an hour or so each day, we have great cartoons here where the heroes are actually Gods from the Hindu faith so it’s educational. I’ve caught my husband holding him and the two of them watching some action movie, this I’m not crazy about but my mother gave me the best advice when my husband first joined us in Canada and I was having a hard time not being in control of our son, she told me to let him do it his way. It may not be what I want or the way I’d do it but he’s his father and he too knows what’s best. So instead of getting upset with my hubby I simply make an excuse to distract our son with something I deem more appropriate.

We’ve also started potty training. I know my son is only five months old but in Indian culture I’m actually a little behind. You hold the baby over a toilet or pot or just outside and make noise “shhhhhhhhhhhhh, shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh” like water running and eventually they get the hint that this is time to pee. I’m assured with time he will begin crying to urinate. We have him on somewhat of a “pooping” schedule, he takes our cues and most days we are successful but of course there will be accidents and a diaper is still needed for overnight but most babes in India don’t need a diaper by the age of one. Pretty impressive considering I have friends with three year olds who are still pooping their pants…


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"Who can hope to be safe? who sufficiently cautious? Guard himself as he may, every moment's an ambush." ~ Horace

We were packing the car for a drive into the city when I asked my husband not to put items in the backseat with the baby; in case there was an accident the items potentially could fly around and hit our son. He asked me why I was always thinking negatively. I defended myself saying I was being responsible not negative. I felt justified in my response but once we got on the road I began to ponder the truth. If we truly do create the world we live in with our thoughts then isn’t my partner correct in his opinion of my thoughts creating the “unsafe” world around me? Who says it’s unsafe? Common sense…or the media tells me there is potential danger on our roads and anyone who’s ever been in a collision or lost a loved one will agree. Statistics tell us we are more likely to survive a car accident if we have a seatbelt on, something so simple can make such a difference so why ignore it?

It will be an interesting balance as we migrate back to India where the safety concerns of the West play little to no role. Families pile into cars, even onto motorcycles without hesitation. My father in-law loads the kids each morning, four of them from the age of 2 to 12 onto his and whisks them off to the corner store for candy. My husband as well takes the children for rides all the time, my friends and family gasp at this idea but I remind them I was six months old the first time my uncle put me on his motorcycle and toured me around the neighborhood, so why would I ever deny my son that experience?

I chose to have a child who could be raised partially in India because of the freedom children there still have to be kids. They roam and play without an adult constantly hovering around, they get into trouble and explore their own limits discovering them, not adopting those set by their parents.

I would roam the woods near our home as child, alone with nature, I knew to come home when the street lights came on, I had no cell phone and if my mom needed me urgently she stood in our doorway and yelled my name until I heard her, she never panicked if I didn’t come instantly. Sometimes the world I was discovering was just too intoxicating and she’d have to call my name for an hour before it would penetrate my senses and call me back to reality. Some argue the world is a different place now but I argue for every negative story you hear in the news there are one hundred wonderful events that haven’t been mentioned.

I want my son to enjoy being a child for as long as possible, and I hope my husband can continue to remind me not to put my fears on my son. I know we will find balance as our son will inevitably fall down, experience skinned knees, cry, feel fear, but I know more often he will laugh, enjoy, and marvel in shear delight at the world around him. He only gets to be a ‘kid’ for so long and that precious time of fearlessness, as we can remember, is all too short. I will use my instincts as a mother to guide him and keep him from serious harm, a safety net per say but not a bubble.



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smile and the world smiles with you...

Everyone wants to know more about Indian culture and the biggest differences I’ve noticed. One of the most confusing things I witnessed was the lack of smiling faces. Indian people come across as quite stern, especially the women. One of my first experiences in India was at an ashram, I was convinced the women who worked there disliked me based on what I felt were disapproving looks. What I discovered is smiling in public or around strangers is not part of their nature, when you do see any girl smile their hand immediately covers their mouths and laughter is often stifled before it leaves their lips.

The first wedding I attended I watched as the bride and groom had their photos taken, there was no smiling in fact it looked somber. A few family members offered a closed mouth grin but nothing like we are used in the west. My partner explained if you do smile in the presence of others the mouth should always remained closed. In fact when we first began spending time together we’d be driving through the streets on his motorcycle and I’d be smiling at everyone and everything because I was having so much fun. One day he sat me down and said “please don’t take this in wrong way but you need to stop smiling with such a big smile.” “What?” I stammered having always been complimented on my smile I wasn’t sure how to react. He explained ”when we are alone it is fine, I love your smile and want to see it always but out on the street it means something different and you don’t hear the comments because you are still learning Hindi but I have to stop myself per day from getting off my bike and beating people.”

I understood, looking around at locals and other western women who had adopted this culture as their own they were all much more reserved.  One day my fourteen year old niece and I were giggling when she shared with me that her mother told her that “she needed to stop laughing so much”. I couldn’t imagine these words ever being muttered in the west but understood her mother was enticing her to begin behaving like a grown up.

That being said I want you to know India is far from stern, my family’s home is filled with laughter and smiles daily but the minute we go outside a different face is shown, the biggest reason according to the women is to avoid unwanted attention. My husband and I find balance always breaking the photo rule; his friends teasingly say it’s our “Canadian smile.” Once in awhile we’ll also jokingly strike our official “Indian face” which always brings about big laughs. It’s not something I can change about the culture it's something I have to respect. I am far more conscious of when and where it’s appropriate but I often remind myself that this is afterall the land that brought us Laughing Yoga…

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Can my truth hurt others?

After last week’s blog about conditioned responses I received a comment “Genuine with a touch of common sense so as not to hurt others with the truth” this sparked an interesting internal dialogue for me. How can my truth hurt others?

I thought about the differences in the two cultures I’ve been living in. Canadians are very concerned about hurting one another’s feelings, on a profound level this can often lead many people to denying their own truth in an effort to shield those they love. They don’t realize the damage they are doing to themselves and to those they are trying to ‘protect.’ But that’s a whole other blog.

I never fully comprehended how sensitive I was until I moved to India. Here there is a frankness amongst the people back in Canada we would describe as ‘brutally honest’. I joke with my girlfriends back home, if you think your butt looks big in your jeans then don’t ask an Indian boy cause he’ll tell you it does if indeed it does (and truthfully, you already know the answer.) I have not come across anyone who offers “white lies” here, there is no ‘sugarcoating’ or as Indians call it no ‘oiling’ the truth. They don’t worry about what others reactions might be they just tell it like it is in their opinion. Many times I felt tears welling up based on something my partner or family commented on. I felt like I was being picked on but as my heart grows stronger I realize that each time I take offence to what has been said to me, it’s an ego reaction and a beautiful chance for continued spiritual growth. Living in the India with this new version of truthfulness I’ve really had to walk the walk when it comes to one of my favorite quotes; “You can’t control other people’s actions only your reactions to them.”

I wondered if it is actually hurting us to tiptoe around our truth in Canada under the guise of politeness. If being raised to be polite we are somehow weakening our ability to hear the truth without ego getting in the way. It leaves us unsure of whom we really are without the approval, acceptance and acknowledgment from others. After days of contemplative meditation I believe it all stems from a lack of knowing our soul, the disconnection we have from God-self, the most authentic part of ourselves. Once we tap into that and begin the healing process of reconnecting back to our most authentic self there is nothing anyone can do or say that can truly hurt us. Our heart and soul can never really be hurt by anyone else’s truth only our egos perception of it. Our truth is ours to live freely and joyously. We can all live in harmony by accepting we are all different and each version, of each individual’s truth, is right for them and more importantly not ours to take offense from.

"Love so vast, love the sky cannot contain, How does all this fit within my heart?" - Rumi

This week we got married in a traditional Hindu ceremony. Although the experience in itself was foreign to my Christian-Judeo society upbringing there was a familiarity throughout. One of my favorite things about a Hindu wedding is that the bride and groom arrive at the altar as God and Goddess, in human form. The recognition of God self is a core value in the Hindu faith.

There were many rites involved, too many to fit in this blog but I will highlight a few; we greeted each other by placing flower garlands around each other’s neck, this is done in acceptance of one another. We then sat cross legged on the floor as the Pandit (Priest) lit a sacred fire in front of us. We made offerings to the fire (which represents God) while he recited prayers, we committed to one another and our spiritual growth as a couple. My partners sister placed sacred cloth over my shoulders and one over his; tying the two in a marriage knot. With my foot asleep we were asked to stand, my right foot was completely numb; it felt like nothing existed from the knee down. Feeling unstable I shifted my weight to my left.

We were instructed to take seven steps and I wasn’t sure if my right foot could bare my weight, I questioned how I was going to stand on a “nonexistent” foot but when my partner took my right hand in his I felt assured he would catch me if I fell, telling my brain my foot was there I realized this was symbolic of all major life decisions and trusted the feeling in my heart, I was nervous of losing my balance but deep down I knew it was safe to take the step.

We circled the fire seven times to represent seven lifetimes we were committing to one another. The seven blessings that were bestowed as we walked included; May this couple be blessed with an abundance of resources and comforts, May this couple be strong and complement each other, May this couple be blessed with prosperity and riches on all levels, May this couple be eternally happy, May this couple be blessed with a happy family, May this couple live in perfect harmony, true to their personal values, May this couple always be the best of friends.

My partner then recited these vows to me in Hindi:

 “We have taken the seven steps. You have become mine forever. We have become partners. I have become yours. Hereafter I cannot live without you. Do not live without me. Let us share the joys. We are word and meaning, united. You are thought I am sound. May life be honey-sweet for us. As the heavens are stable, as the earth is stable, as the mountains are stable, as the whole universe is stable, so may our union be permanently settled.”

My soul is not only home, the longing has finally settled…