What I used to do

Before I came to India on my first journey I admit I was completely out of Balance. After spending nearly three months in this glorious country I was grounded, I was connected to my truth, I sat in my own power. It was easy to be me because it was now the only truth I knew, so much programming had fallen away in the silence and rekindled joy of my inner child.

It wasn’t easy remaining true in the West nothing felt right any more. So when the opportunity to move to India presented itself as you know, I did just that.

Becoming an Indian Housewife and mother definitely threw me off balance once again, but that is because I stopped being true to me. I disconnected from putting my soulwork first in an effort to be what I thought was wanted of me, in an effort to make sure everyone loved me.

In every situation we find ourselves we are either aligned with higher self or detouring off the path. When we are in alignment everything feels right, there is no struggle, its when we step out of our blue print, deviate off of the path that serves us to one that no longer does we feel discombobulated.

The question I am continuously asked and ask myself is how to get aligned?

Unfortunately there is not one perfect solution, because we are all unique we all need to take different action. I know that may not be what you were hoping to hear but have faith there are modalities that can help you find your truth; meditation in it’s many forms is by far the most effective and a great starting point for anyone at any stage trying to achieve anything.

The rest my friends is divine. When you connect back to yourself through meditation the universe will begin to show you where you need to focus, where you need to put your energy, what the steps are you need to take in order to achieve this oneness with god self most of us are seeking on some level. 

That has been the point of my last few blogs particularly the one where I asked you to commit for one week. Together we discovered answers everywhere, literally everywhere, we just had to open ourselves long enough to listen.

For me the first step in my reconnection was Reflective meditation,

The practice of reflective or analytical meditation is like disciplined thinking: choosing a theme, question, or topic of contemplation we focus our reflection, or analysis, upon it. When our attention wanders to other thoughts, we return to our chosen topic. 
Excerpt taken from "The Five Types of Meditation" outlined by the website self-guided. 

It was a non judgement process where I allowed myself to return to my happiest time, a place where I felt the most at peace, within that were keys, what was I doing in that time and place that I was no longer doing now? The list was surprising large; Meditating, Yoga, Healthy Eating were all areas I was already aware of and making great strides to transform.

But other area's I had all but forgotten about included: Working with minerals and gemstones. Healing with crystals came quite naturally to me and even ironically during a deep clean of our home a few weeks ago I found a bag of stones I had brought from Canada five years ago when I moved here, I think I stopped using them almost immediately. Now they sit in a bowl in kitchen and daily I am getting reacquainted with their energy!


Hugging Trees, my mother always joked about me as a child talking to trees, She'd often find me outside sitting near a tree having a conversation, hugging them became a natural extension of this. I didn't want to draw extra attention to myself in a culture where I already stand out so I stopped doing things that are not with societies 'norm.'

We have a wonderful Ashoka Tree in our courtyard who now receives a hug from not only me each morning but my children who are overjoyed with the experience. Ashoka trees are considered quite auspicious and linked to Hindu History, Ashoka literally means "without sorrow"so fitting,



Dancing, I've been a dancer since childhood, but some how I misconstrued my husbands comments on how Indian women were the best dancers combined with the bombardment of Bollywood actresses like Katrina Kaif on TV dancing in ways I no longer felt capable of doing in a pregnant  Indian housewife state, My love of movement felt frumpy and forged, I no longer felt like a Goddess when I moved in my body, I felt foreign and feared being judged. Sadly to this day my husband has never seen me dance but I am slowly get back my rhythm, and maybe, just maybe,,.



Smiling in this culture can be misinterpreted out the street and I was lectured once for laughing in a busy market because it brought about unwanted stares. I began to stifle my laughter.

Fortunately with the arrival of two goofball children the laughs in our world have expanded and I'm trying now to make a point at laughing about the things that can be frustrating. I mentioned the anger I was feeling in a previous blog, it wasn't serving me but the laughter certainly does and helps to transmute those unwanted emotions. Laughter truly is the best therapy!



I realized I gave up a lot of my confidence going anywhere by myself and being completely fearless
living in a culture that holds women in their arms for safety I began to feed into the vibration
plus as most mothers will tell you the world can start to feel a little scary when you have a child, like a Mama Lion you are now more aware of dangers that could potentially lurk around the corner. In an effort to transmute this I've been heading out more frequently alone, my husband fully supports this which is lucky really because my Indian sister in laws do not leave the home unaccompanied and while my mother and father in law are not crazy about it they do understand and are getting more comfortable with it,

Next in my journey I'm going to revisit my bucket list, you know the things you'd like to experience before you "kick the bucket". Something I actually began creating in my teens and updated frequently but like everything I've talked about in this post something I haven't looked at in five years!

Time to connect back to the part of me that longs for experiences in this world and set some intentions for the future, care to join me in compiling a list? I'd love for you to share the inspiration...

In love and light beautiful souls

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A list of things I love about life in India...9 Temples

Number 9 on my list of  things I love about Life in India is...

Temples

There is something magical about the temples of India. For me they have become sanctuaries. I honestly believe to cultivate a relationship with higher self, God, source, the universe whatever you want to call it you do not need anything but the stillness of your mind and the whispers of your heart. But the energy around you can either support or thwart your spiritual growth. Where I live in India there are over 5000 ancient temples and many new modern ones. Many of these structures have become sanctuaries for me. A place of refuge, a space where I can absorb some pretty beautiful positive vibes and enjoy the peaceful, or intense bhakti energy, depending on my mood determines the temple I visit at any given time.

When I want entertainment, fun and tasty cake I visit ISKCON; the Hare Krishna temple as we would refer to it in North America, here in my town it is called the "Angrez Mandir" which literally translates to the "foreigner temple." Most locals don't attend this temple but it was one of my first experiences with deity worship and someday I'll share the story but I feel I have a bond there, plus its often the only time I see other white people!



I'll admit to my Christian friends I sometimes feel like Jesus did in Matthew 21:12 "And Jesus entered the temple and drove out all those who were buying and selling in the temple and overturned the tables of the money changers and seats of those who were selling doves. And he said to the them "It is written, MY HOUSE SHALL BE CALLED A HOUSE OF PRAYER"; but you are making it a ROBBERS DEN." when I enter this temple sometimes I'm saddened and disgusted how God is for sale but then it's not my place to judge if I want to live true to ancient texts. So instead I view it for what it is to me; a place of connection, a bhakti high and a source of entertainment all in the name of divine love.

Here is a video clip from the Kirtan that takes place daily;

Then there are the quiet out of the way temples that many outsiders don't even hear about, ones that feel so ancient and are picturesque to me of what India looks like. Your soul can't help but be transported to a deeper more knowing place of love and connection.

I always find in these lesser known temples there is a sense of history,I can feel the energy that existed long before I did. I often feel like I'm transported back in time, it brings out the spiritual adventurer in me.

I've been privileged being married to a local, some of these temples are tucked away and one may not even realize it's a place of worship. I feel blessed to be exposed to their beauty and gifted with their energy.

And I know this will sound a little strange but when the deity connects with me, through eye contact, a wink or even a smile, words whisper from my heart and I know I'm on the right path. Many of these powerful beacons call to my heart and I can't get them out of my head until I visit, whenever I heed the call and find my way to them I'm usually gifted with a new insight into my world, my life and my true nature.




"You may pray for an hour and still not pray. You may meet God for a moment and then be in touch with him all day." ~ Fredrik Wisloff

"In worship an increased power steals its way into your heart, an increased compassion grows in the soul. To worship is to change." ~ Richard J Foster

I lead a number of retreats yearly in our Holy Area exploring the off the beat temples and sacred areas most travel guides don't even mention, if you'd like more information make sure to "like" and "follow" Balanced Soul on facebook or email 1balancedsoul@gmail.com


There is still more to come in this series be sure to check back regularly...

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A list of things I love about living in India...4 ~ Yoga

Next in my series on what I love about India is

Yoga

I was called to yoga long before it was mainstream but fell away from it not being able to find a teacher I connected with. Decades later I met this friend who was a yoga teacher. Her energy was contagious and I adored spending time with her, one day when we were discussing me taking up a practice again she told me "you are yoga." I had no idea what she meant but I knew it was something I was eager to discover.

My first trip to India was for three months, the first month was to be spent at an ashram for a yoga retreat. I bragged to all my friends at home about the kind of shape I was going to be in when I returned. I day dreamed about cool postures I had seen in pictures and wondered how long it would take before I would be able to touch my toes, nose to knees. We got on our mats one day. Yup you read that right, we did Asana which is the physical postures one time. Turned out yoga was a lot more then what I was a aware of.



I spent far more time quieting the voices in my head through meditation which I also learnt was not about not thinking, it was more about becoming aware of the thoughts, and choosing the thoughts consciously you want to spend time with.


It was not easy! My mind whirled and I realized how much I obsessed and over thought almost everything;  I thought about the past and the future, I thought up great status updates for social media or had songs on repeat in my head. When I gained a bit of control over that I had work to do around fear. Fear of never really being able to live before life is over and when I came to terms with this I discovered some shocking truths about the life I was living and changes that needed to occur if I wanted to truly be happy. It felt like someone shut the AC off one day when my head went quiet. Often in our lives their is background noise or chatter that we are not even aware of until it goes silent. I remember it rained that day and I felt an overwhelming urge that I acted on and danced in the courtyard of the ashram, I felt cleansed inside and out.

Aside from the physical asana or Hatha practice and the mental aspect we know as meditation or in yoga it is referred to as Raja yoga, true yogis observe diet restrictions which I to began observing. No caffeine, no alcohol or any mind altering substance, no garlic, onions or red chillies as these increase fire in the body which can lead to anger and jealousy.

That's the thing to, here in India very few people would ever call themselves a Yogi or Yoginni those titles are revered and used only in the utmost respect of true masters. I have met incredible yoga teachers here who only refer to themselves as a friend not a teacher for feeling unqualified despite surpassing any conditions we apply in the west for a 'qualified' yoga teacher.

And while Hatha and Raja are pretty well understood in the west little is discussed about the other relams: Kriya Yoga has everything to do with our breath, different breathing techniques and learning about our prana (life force) and where it is flowing. Gyan or (Jnana) is about knowledge, it is learning the ancient texts and utilizing them in daily life. According to the Bhagavad Gita Karma yoga is the most effective way to achieve spiritual oneness, understanding our karmic bonds and working through them. Doing our part to serve our neighbors and the earth without needing anything in return is the truest form of selfless love. And then their is Bhakti yoga which my little holy town is famous for, this is the yoga of devotion, of divine love. It is the recognition that there is only love, and everything around us and within us is of divine nature.

In India it is understood that all forms of yoga need to addressed and assimilated into daily life to truly achieve that which we are searching for...the point of yoga is to connect us back to us. To that divine part of ourselves we have forgotten, to the authentic part of ourselves we have muted. And although I often miss my yoga classes back in the west I am grateful to be among people who understand the depth and enjoyment of this path.

Here is a funny video a girlfriend sent me I want to share with you, fortunately the beautiful classes I have attended in the west do not reflect this teacher but there is some truth here, Enjoy and stay tuned for number five in What I love about India

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Bhakti the path of love...

"During a certain phase of the journey, we are not open to understanding the parts of ourselves that play against our own happiness. We are not really willing to get to know ourselves - we just want to get rid of our symptoms that bring suffering. In this phase, prayer and devotion are like a bargain that we use because they meet our needs, It is natural to start off like this, but at some point we must let go of this bargaining in order to continue along the path of love, Devotion is not meant as an occasional practice; only when it is firm and steady can it lead us to the experience of oneness. what builds this steadiness is self-awareness" ~ Sri Prem Baba

I started the Bhakti portion of this Yoga Challenge at one of my favorite temples here in my sacred town. It is my intention to engage in some form of prayer, worship everyday for a minimum of thirty days, but if the results are anything like the rest of this practice it will become as much as part of my world as eating food and drinking water.

"When speaking of Bhakti we could be referring to an emotion, a practice, a school of philosophical thought, a popular movement, or state of consciousness. The common thread that connects all of these uses of term is its relation to the souls dormant love for God that is seen as the very essence of our being. The idea that the very purpose of human life is uncovering that essence is found throughout the worlds spiritual traditions" ~ Radhanath Swami

For me it is a a bit of a step back, back to the source of my love for this quaint little town. This temple is where I was introduced to my first Hindu God. I live in the town where Krishna was born. He is known throughout Hinduism as the ultimate enjoyer. The lover of love, silly and carefree, strong and bold but the core of my learning in relation to this being is the purpose to life is to enjoy, to enjoy every moment of every day and in truth isn't that what we all are really craving?

Day 27 through 30 of my Challenge - the next phase...

People who love drama don't give up easy, they don't like to go away without a fight and often will do what they can to create it, turns out this is just as much me as anyone else I've been trying to blame. 

Some of us are just dramatic people and little things can be made into big things. But see I'm as paradoxical as the country of India I presently call home. More often than not the big things that the masses would stress about seem to leave me tension free, i.e. loosing a job, death of a loved one, these things are life to me and I'm able to concentrate on the adventure that can come about when nothing is sure or live in the sweet memories of a departed loved one instead of questioning why. 

Even more interestingly is how negative I can be at times yet I'm consistently optimistic.

What I have discovered during this challenge over the last thirty days is a deeper sense of self, I have come to terms with my negative tendencies and am now conscious of this victim mentality I have adopted that unfortunately flows through the rivers of womanhood here in India. But in true paradoxical form its also where Goddess is re-emerging, where I have also encountered some of the strongest women I know. Where the simple act of motherhood and being a doting wife is revered among sisters and society. Its a step back in time and into the future with the same footing.

I realized I may have pushed my sense of self downward a little while trying to conform to an idea of what I am supposed to be like while living in traditional Indian culture. Part of me had been missing but I understand it has all been a choice and feelings of resentment towards this way of life that one day can feel like a gift and another feel like a prison have to be resolved. When you make a choice you must be willing to live with the consequences or simply make another choice and the truth is when I'm connected to my authentic truth, when I'm Reposing or on my Yoga mat my heart is singing with the gifts that are around me, with this beautiful world I have created. 

During this challenge some the darkest parts of me came forward for cleansing and I'd like to say now I'm perfectly peaceful but that is not the case. I am however aware of my tendencies to get overwhelmed when I don't take a minute to center (or seven in Repose), how irritable I get when I don't eat well or drink enough water. How it is okay to ask for help and it's also okay if I don't get it in the form I had envisioned.

There is a difference between knowing the path and walking the path

I want to keep walking this path and my intention is to continue to Repose and find time on my Yoga mat each day but I know it's also time to add another element. Tomorrow I begin work on my Bhakti path, which is the path of love and devotion. The obvious path in this Holy town I live in that is world renown for its Bhakti lifestyle. I will be visiting temples as often as possible and getting deeper in touch with divine part of my being and my version of source energy. I hope you'll stay tuned...

Day Twenty Three through Twenty Six of my Challenge ~ My Guru

Yesterday marked a turning point for me. It seems I've been drawing light into the darkest recesses of my being which is the point of this challenge but its hard to face the dark and my ego desperately wants to engage with those around me.

I was feeling depleted and weakened by the events around me which I don't really want to get into because they do not have a real baring on what my journey is, just know that I felt like I have been under constant verbal attack, like somehow I was not enough, I felt beaten down at times and questioned how much more I could withstand. Even with the knowledge that is was my own lack of self worth being directed at me I still couldn't stop my mind from dwelling in victim mode, I wondered how much longer I could tolerate this emotional roller coaster I seemed to be riding and then like magic this little gem showed up

This simple yet profound statement is everything I have been eluding to, everything I have understood intellectually but somehow didn't comprehend. Over the years I have been able to cultivate this when dealing with acquaintances but for the very first time it resonated as my core truth when dealing with loved ones.

I was able to look at the perceived tormentor, my beloved and see with compassion that it was not my insecurities but perhaps his own. I was able to listen without allowing the words to settle in my skin, they did not weigh down my heart and only entered one ear and quickly exited the other. In that moment I understood that everything I have been praying for is right in front of me. One cannot find inner peace without dealing with all of their *hit first.

There is absolutely no anger, no resentment and certainly no belief that anyone else's words hold my truth. The recognition that the teacher, mentor I've been searching for is all around me. Living in a Holy Town in India I often get asked who my Guru is and my response is always the same; "God is my guru, my husband is my guru, my children are my gurus, the beautiful masters the divine leads me to are my gurus, the sweet souls I encounter are my gurus, everything is my Guru." Finally, finally they are not just words. From the deepest part of me, from my core I can feel myself surrendering to life...my Guru.

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Day Twenty of my challenge ~ Slipping deeper into the Now

The weather is beautiful here in our Holy town in India right now, a sweater and socks in the mornings and at night but the days are glorious, not to hot not to cold, just perfect. So I decided fresh air was the order of the day and took my friends to the Holy River Yamuna, as long as I didn't touch her or partake in any ceremonies it was fine. Yamuna Ji is a slow flowing river that brings with her a calm that one must experience, there are not enough words to describe the peace that fills your entire being while seated on her banks.



The place is littered with the monkey mafia but even these pesky creatures are calmer when in her presence.

I breathed in her essence and thought about how she was in no rush to get anywhere, just gracefully flowing by. It was a dawning of sorts, I'm not one who spends to much time in the past but I often catch myself in the future focusing on what else needs to be done or wondering what adventure will come next and this my friends keeps me from the very thing I am seeking; presence. Being present, exactly where I am, centered in the beautiful moment, which is the only time that exists, I felt myself slip deeper into the now.

We strolled along her banks and up to my Spiritual Guesthouse where construction is still underway, the walk through the 'old' section of town is equivalent to walking back in time, not much has changed, the ancient buildings remain intact and the limited construction that is occurring appears to be in line with our goal to restore Vrindavan to its ancient glory.





We sat and enjoyed Chai at one of the stalls along our stroll and began feeding a beautiful cow. I've mentioned before Cows are considered sacred in India, they are our second mother, meaning we go from our mothers breast to cows milk, therefore she should be revered at Jai Ma (male cows are revered for their hard work in the fields like our fathers.)

We were enjoying her company when I thought for a moment about my Indian sister in laws and how they avoid cows like a plague, then I had a fleeting thought that this one could head butt me. My friend seated across from me asked me to lean in for a picture with the cow, who must have heard her and swung her head towards mine sure enough head butting me.

I was stunned, it didn't really hurt it was more of a tap than an actual head butt, I'm not sure she intended to actually clunk my head but it left me questioning why? Why after all this time and all the love encounters I've had with cows did I get clunked. thus instilling some fear? If there is meaning in everything surely there is in this encounter.

My only conclusion is intuition, while I consider myself to be a pretty good energy reader and have kept myself out of trouble by honoring those warning signals from my intuition this time I didn't listen because it didn't come from my gut, it was a fleeting thought.

Is it possible intuition can be that subtle when it cautions a non traumatic event? Just a fleeting thought of caution? Then I'm left wondering how does one then decipher between the warning signs of intuition and just plain old fear?

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Day Nineteen of my Challenge - put to the test

Presence, what does that mean?
For me it means being fully aware and engaged in whatever it is I am doing.

We live in a day in age when multitasking is all the rage, the more we can get done in a single moment the more effective we are, but for who?

Does any one task truly get the presence of mind it deserves?

I used to get frustrated with my husband because he is not a multitasker, he would get frustrated with me because I wouldn't do something "with mind" as he called it. Together we are finding balance.

When we are present in whatever we are engaged in our whole being is there, we are not thinking about what else has to be done through the day. We are not replaying what has already occurred this week, we are simply being. Now yes one can consciously choose to spend  time reflecting on past events, or planning what we'd like to accomplish in what time period but we must be aware of where our thoughts are at all times, this for me is presence.

I'm just as guilty as the next gal, I often catch myself writing this blog while I'm cooking dinner or thinking about my next status update while I'm reading posts from friends. Catching your thoughts or rather letting your thoughts go is surrender. Surrendering to what is, without trying to escape from the reality you've created around you and embracing all that life is the presence I'm cultivating with this challenge.

Today I was tested in surrender, firstly it marked the beginning of that lovely time of month we women share, I don't usually blog about menstruation but trust me I bring it up because it will be relevant. I decided to do an online yoga class geared at honoring the menstrual cycle and was half way through the VERY relaxing practice when my phone rang, the kids were sleeping so I jumped up to answer it, hubby informed me that my friends were here. "What?" I stammered...

I had been chatting with a friend who was in Delhi on vacation and hoping to make the trek to our auspicious town but her husband had been under the weather and they were beginning to run short on time. She mentioned that today was the day they would like to arrive but I didn't hear from her so I assumed her hubby was still not feeling up to travelling. Low and behold here they were in our Holy Town searching for us, she couldn't get through on my phone and I wasn't receiving her messages on social media.

For a second I panic'd, what was I going to do with them? Now that my monthly visitor had arrived it wasn't like I could take them to any of the five thousand temples our town in known for. I have mentioned numerous times that we live in a Holy Town here in India and with that comes certain rules; like not entering any sacred site while menstruating.

I can hear you now echoing my same questions years ago "who is going to know?" "will someone be checking you before you enter a temple?" and the answer is no, no one will check and I, along with my husband, would be the only ones to know. I recently caught myself arguing "explain to me why?" No one has a clear answer, its just not considered clean. Again the feminist in me bangs her head against the wall. this mentality from ancient times sure I can understand but nowadays we have extra absorbency pads and even better tampons or Devi cups. I'd still like to know what makes us women impure during this time so please enlighten me if you know.

In the meantime I choose to surrender. I chatted with my friend over chai and explained the situation, she too being married to an Indian and living in 'Westernized' India six month out of the year said it probably wouldn't stop her but respected my decision. We discussed many "rules" while she was here that I abide by, "How do you do it? How do you handle being told you can't do something?" she asked with genuine curiosity. I explained I'm the one that made the choice to live in a foreign culture, one that came with rules and restrictions. I can't expect it to change just because I'm here and would like it a certain way. I made the choice so I have to accept what is the reality around me. I bend rules where I can, I get away with a lot more than my Indian sister in laws but some rules no matter how absurd they may seem, have meaning, and if they mean something to my husband my love for him allows me to just follow it. Does it hurt me to not go to temple for a few days out of each month? No not at all, so why fight it? There are so many wonderful things to focus on about my life here getting caught up in the restrictions are not worth my time.

Its probably a good thing I didn't know she was coming I would have stressed not knowing how to entertain someone in my Bhakti town, but we had a blast, We went to Prem Mandir which my hubby and I lovingly refer to as the Vegas of Vrindavan with its lights and water show. With so much to see and do outside of worship it was a perfect evening. We were able to sit outside enjoying the sights and sounds of the grounds,  my three year old guided them inside the temple for Darshan (prayers), we ate great food and laughed loudly.  It really is a spectacle and my friends loved every inch of it! I was there, not worried about what will do tomorrow, trusting it will reveal itself when the moment arrives, for now I'm basking in the ability to surrender and gratitude for the lesson of day.

Day Twelve of my Challenge - Feeling picked on

I can sometimes feel picked on living here in India, it actually seems to a theme among masala bloggers of late. Masala refers to those of us who are not from India but married to Indians, Masala translates to "blend of spices" and I have recently connected with an entire community online, it has been a blessing being able to share with these beautiful ladies. The majority live in their home countries but still face inter cultural struggles and parenting issues, its nice to have these women to share experiences and garner advice from.

One of my dear friends Madh Mama described her experience "It is hard when people constantly pick you apart and talk about you when you're right in front of them. When they comment on your dress, appearance, your movements, what you're eating, and your facial expressions. At times, I feel as if I'm the lone fish in an aquarium."  

It is the Indian way, they do it to one another and they really take pleasure in doing it to a Westerner, they don't mean harm by it, it's just in their nature. After years of this bothering me this week, because of this challenge, I've been able to witness words more instead of allowing them to get under my skin. If the words are being said to me they are a reflection of a belief I still hold, my lack of self worth being vocalized so I may continue to build esteem. I once read, and I'm paraphrasing, that you must believe in yourself so strongly that if someone says something to you that could be perceived as negative, you would look at them like they were crazy and you'd have absolutely no idea what was coming out of their mouth because it wasn't true.

Every comment in the last few years has felt like an attack, that somehow I'm not enough. Nobody has ever said that to me but my ego would love to have me believe it. Most self esteem issues begin in childhood during development, at some point we begin to compare ourselves to everyone and everything we see around us, so many factors come into play and I'm not sure at what point my self worth leveled off or sunk but I feel so grateful for all of these lessons in light during this challenge. The awakening in my mind, the opening in my heart and shift in my soul is tangible.

I'm giving some thought to this and would love to know what you would say!

Day Eleven of my Challenge - As promised more on one of my favorite Festivals we celebrated

After pondering yesterdays blog I think I've come to the conclusion that the universe delivers us situations based on our thoughts and beliefs about ourselves and life. One can say "fate" delivers us opportunities, what we do with these chances that are offered determines our destiny. Which is always changing depending on our choices, our thoughts and our actions (or sometimes non action.)

So yes God has us exactly where we are supposed to be, surrounded by the people and circumstances that will give us the deepest reflection of our truth. The more we resist what is the longer it will stick around (good or bad). We must learn to accept what is, knowing it is for our highest good (which like a loving parent is the only thing the all loving universe wanst for us) so really it is about surrendering to what is so we can manifest what will be!

As promised I will tell you about one of my favorite Indian Festivals we celebrated a few weeks ago, it's called Bhaiya Dooj (or Bhai Doj)

"Nowhere is the bond of brotherly-sisterly love glorified with such grandeur as in India"

Sisters visit their brothers home and in a ceremony they put an auspicious mark called a tilak on the forehead of their brother, this is a mark of love and protection, they then perform aarti of him (a worship) by lighting sacred fire also known as holy flame, then they give their brothers a coconut which is considered God's Fruit. Sisters in turn are lavished with gifts and blessings from their brothers

My husband has two sisters both of which came and spent the day at our home. My son has six sisters and my daughter nine brothers, it made for a wonderful day filled with laughter and love.

These are some of the sweetest pictures of my children during the ceremonies.

My absolute favorite photo is this one of my son touching the feet of my daughter asking for blessings

There are few more festivals we celebrated that I will discuss further in future blogs for now I must Repose...

Day Ten of my Challenge ~ everything and everyone around us is a direct reflection of ourselves

It is taught by many spiritual teachers that everything and everyone around us is a direct reflection of ourselves. Those negative people in our world that are making us crazy are in some way a part of our own inner turmoil. This was a rude awakening for me, I feel as though I've been dealing with more negativity coming at me than ever in my life over the last few months, and to ascertain that it was somehow me, well that was a hard pill to swallow, before this challenge that is.

If someone says something to you that you perceive as negative or hurtful than there is some part of you that believes their words to be true, according to the teachings of Bashar. Negative people are simply your own lack of self worth being reflected back to you, and they can be seen as a gift instead of a frustration. They show you where you still need to let the light in, where you still need to heal.

Looking at from that perspective has allowed me to be far less reactive to these negative situations and confrontations. In fact it has allowed me to make leaps and bounds in my own quest for inner peace.


And it appears the work is paying off, today everyone around me seemed to be in a wonderful mood. Hubby woke up laughing and dancing around our room with the children, he even took our daughter for the morning after dropping our son off at school so I could have some time to myself! I spent over an hour on my yoga mat doing a Restorative practice I found online. The kids seemed to laugh through the entire day and I found myself with far more patience and a much lighter heart.

During my Repose/meditation sessions I pondered two opposing lessons I've been receiving firstly that God (universe, source...) has us exactly where we are supposed to be. The second is that we are the only ones responsible for manifesting our reality as we know it. That our thoughts and our thoughts alone have created the world we live in.

I'd love your opinions on this.

Day Nine of my Challenge ~ when you don't listen to the signs sometimes the universe makes you listen!

My toe isn't broken but it's black and blue and hurts when moved in certain directions, which ultimately has changed the way I am approaching my yoga mat.

I talked about messages all around us the other day and this is exactly what happens when you don't pay attention! I have randomly been told by various friends and Yogis to go gentle on myself. I have been tagged in posts on social media sights about the importance of being gentle with oneself yet I wasn't listening. I didn't see how it related to me. I never felt I was pushing myself but obviously the universe did, so here I am, looking at my throbbing toe and finally listening.

Fortunately Repose does not require manipulation of the foot in any way, yoga is a different story. Like I said yesterday it's going to take a lot more than an injury to keep me sidelined; Restorative Yoga, Gentle Yoga, Yin Yoga are all similar in nature and obviously where I need to be while on my mat. Today's practice was a half an hour of "feet up the wall."

Did you know spending five minutes in this position is equivalent to a twenty minute nap? The entire practice was amazingly relaxing and rejuvenating but still I admit an hour later I began to feel blah again.




I honored my feeling of lackluster and decided to take a nap with the kids this afternoon, I awoke once again to "The Spider" hanging from my wall. As always my instincts took over and I jumped to my feet (I'm not sure what I would have done if I caught it considering I had nothing in my hands) for those of you who have followed my blog you know she only appears as a message and as my eyes come into full focus she vanishes.

Connection to feminine energy, patience and the weaving of your own destiny, this is the spiders core message, perhaps its time to start manifesting instead of just reflecting...

Day Six of my Challenge ~ if you haven't cried on your yoga mat you're not doing it right

Well I slept through the night for the first time in over three years, not only did both kids bless me by not waking one time but I actually slept in until six thirty, I was shocked when I arose and looked at the clock.

I also have more energy today than I've had in a long time. Normally I tackle one cleaning project a day i.e. Monday I wash the floors and walls and clean all the ledges, Tuesday I tackle the bathroom... today not only did I cook and get the kids bathed and my son off to school as per norm, I did the three of my major cleaning projects all before my first cup of chai!

I still got a little cranky this afternoon but not nearly as intense, and the anxiety seems to have subsided now that I'm choosing to feel it more as an excitement over what is about to be unveiled. However I felt something different today as I laid in Repose, a deep rooted sadness, a feeling of pure loneliness, something I'm finally ready to admit I feel quite often. I'd like to blame it on India and the fact that I do not have one single friend in my Holy town but in truth it doesn't matter where I am in this world, I am often accompanied by this sadness.

I believe that God (the universe, source, insert your own label here) has me exactly where I am supposed to be so I can learn the most valuable truths, in this case if you can't be happy alone, with no one or no thing to distract you than you will truly never be happy. More importantly you must become your own best friend, learn to enjoy your own company which I thought I had accomplished. I love spending time in nature alone, going for walks, sitting near a body of water, shopping but all of those things are distraction in a way (yes they can certainly be rejuvenating as well) but right now there is just me, no where to go and no one to go do it with and it's powerful!

I know at least one of my soul contracts is discovering my self worth and that can only come from inside me, I am the only thing that has been and will be constant in this life, everything else is transient. Everything. The lesson I know is I'm truly never alone when I'm connected to my higher self, my authentic truth.

Today I have felt raw. When we begin to calm the mind hidden emotions often arise. Once again I waited until the kids were in bed to do Yoga and tears flowed on my yoga mat, there is a saying if you haven't cried on your yoga mat you're not doing it right. That may sound sad but it is therapeutic, like when I child has a big cry over something then is completely fine because they let out their true raw emotions, they don't bottle one ounce of it. So I allowed myself, without judgement or the need to figure out why I was crying, to sob.

It was blissful like giving myself a BIG hug which a dear friend and Yoga teacher has all of her students do in class and I'm grateful to have remembered her teaching this evening, at the end of my practice I wrapped my arms around myself. Now as I sit writing this I feel slightly more connected, more rooted, my mood is lifting but I'm ready to continue to ride the ebbs and flows...

Day Four of my Challenge ~ talking to the drunken monkeys

Day four has arrived and the cranky pants feel more like comfy yoga pants today. The only thing that has created tension for me throughout the day are my wonderful allergies! We moved into our new space within our joint family home nearly two months ago, this means I no longer share a kitchen with my mother in law or a bathroom with a number of family members and visitors on any given day. It's a move I've been looking forward to for a VERY long time and as much as I LOVE my new space it appears I'm allergic to something in the room,

I've had allergy like symptoms pretty much every day since the move. The problem is I have no known allergies, excepts cats and there are no cats in my room!? Thankfully nobody else seems to be afflicted. I am working with an Ayurvedic doctor but he doesn't actually do treatments, he just continues to give me herbal medicine and puts restraints on my diet but I'm not finding any relief. In the past I've had huge success with Ayurveda but it has always involved treatments of some kind so I'm praying for someone in this town to appear with the cure!

The spiritual side of me knows there is something going on that needs to resolved in order to alleviate the symptoms but for the life of me I don't know what that is. Its hard to remain in a good mood when they are flared anybody who has every suffered with allergies can understand, the constant drip and itchy eyes and nose is exhausting. Today was the worst they've been and the last thing I wanted to do was get on my yoga mat but then hubby treated me to a wonderful surprise; he took the kids this evening so I could recharge and catch my breath, literally. He even told me not to prepare anything for dinner he'd bring something from our favorite restaurant!

It has been a little piece of bliss, a much needed break. I was able to get on my mat and I wasn't a toddler jungle gym for once, it was heavenly. I forgot how truly into yourself you can get with a yoga practice I've been so used to having a bit of a distraction, either kids crawling all over me or if I wait for their nap fear that the babies will wake up before I finish. But today there was just me, my mat, my breath and of course the drunken moneys clamouring in my head for attention.

Today I was able to take time to give the anger (monkey) I've been feeling a voice. I discovered anger rears its ugly head out of frustration. I love my kids but two toddlers is exhausting, in Canada my Mom, Grandmother or my Bestie would gladly keep my kids occupied for an hour so I could breath but its just not the way in Indian culture, the mother is expected to do it all, without complaint, But I'm now understanding if I don't get/take time for me I'm no good to them and I think hubby is starting to understand this too.

I am in deep gratitude for this moment and the truth is I'm starting to miss them, what a beautiful feeling.

Day Three of my Challenge

Still cranky as heck, I think I lived in Repose today, any and every opportunity I could find I laid on my back with my arms and legs outstretched and thank God for it, I actually caught my breath, slightly anyway.

My mind won't stop swirling, a hundred different thoughts at once. It is a symptom of what's known as Monkey Mind. I know Repose is not about meditation but I am choosing to use it as such. I have to, there is no other time in the day for just me. So this potent pause has already been a gift showing me that my mind needs fixin' and now when I go into Repose there is no pressure to meditate or zone out but I try to simply become aware of where my mind is and allow it to run through it's various thoughts without trying to control or hold on to any of them. It is also assisting me with my yoga challenge I'm using it as a tool to check in with my body and see where I'm holding tension . And like I said today it saved me, and my loved ones. But the reality is I want to get to the source of why I'm reacting to everything the way I am because in truth I don't even know why I'm cranky and that is making me crankier!

Day two of my Challenge

I am actually shocked by how cranky I am. Maybe I'm just more aware of it because of this challenge, I suppose it's a good thing, consciousness usually brings change, I just find it hard to believe I have been described as "annoyingly optimistic." I guess if you put me in a room with a dozen other folks I'd come across as one of the more positive people and sure the glass if half full but seriously today who wants to drink the rest of that crap?

 

So I'm accepting the fact that I'm a foul mood, I know it will pass, it better pass. In an effort to find some clarity as the day ends I turned to my last seven minutes of Repose for the day and searched for five thing I am grateful for:

1. Repose - the only place today I felt comfortable in my own body
2. My yoga mat, the session was ab pilates based and I was pissed during it but can admit now that I feel stronger through my core
3. Random kisses from my lovebugs, I think they understood mommy needed the extra lovin today
4. Sleep is around the corner
5. The countdown is on until my Mother arrives!

Wednesdays Wisdom coincides with Day One of my challenge

Day one of my challenge coincides with Wednesdays Wisdom and both came to fruition on my mat this morning. I awoke with a sense of eagerness today. I'm excited about this challenge and curious to see where it will lead me.

You would think living in India I would have access to any number of Yoga classes but in my quaint little Holy Town would you believe not one! Its true, why do you think I'm so eager for my Spiritual Guesthouse to be completed so I can lure all of my Yogi friends here.

When I first came to India my trip started with a thirty day yoga retreat, I was so thrilled and chatted with friends and teachers in Yoga classes imagining what kind of shape I'd be in when I returned to the west. Silly girl, I was on my mat once, only one Asana (physical) practice, the rest of my yoga training was internal (and beautiful I may add). Later during that same trip I was travelling by train when a true Indian Yogi shared my compartment, he told me all that was needed was twenty minutes a day on my mat, and reconfirmed Yoga was a way of life and not about being bendy.

As if by divine intervention, which is often the case when I set my intention for anything that is in accord with my higher self, I logged on to youtube and "recommended for you" was a thirty day yoga challenge and her classes are between ten and twenty minutes long. Now yes I wish I had an hour or more to spend on my mat each and every day but I'm working with what I have and not making any more excuses. There will be days I can do more and days when this is all time allows for and I am grateful for all of it.

The first class was all about opening the hips which I know from experience tend to store our emotions, I had tight hips before ever coming to Yoga and had been working through them regularly, Louise L Hay in her book "You Can Heal Your Life" claims discomfort or issues in the hips is directly related to "a fear of moving forward." Something I pondered each time I lay in Repose throughout the day.

I had been making progress in the hip region before I made the decision to move to India, those of you who have followed my blog know that I was married and pregnant very quickly after coming to live here in my sacred town. My pregnancy became high risk and my hips did everything but lock up as I fought to keep my son inside long enough to survive his birth, he arrived at thirty one weeks, that was three years ago and he continues to be strong and healthy, I was pregnant for my daughter when my son was only seven months old, so my hips once again went into protective mode and they've yet to relax!

Needless to say hip openers are a gift to this stiff ol body of mine. While laying in pigeon pose,

*note there are many variations of this posture but the sequence I was led through is outlined by this photo

I was treated to an intoxicating aroma coming off of my mat. My mat is not new, actually it is about six years old and I have never noticed this scent before. Then I remembered a class I once took about communicating with Angels and Fairies and in this class she spoke of different psychic abilities which are often directly related to communication with other realms. We know of Clairvoyance but there is also Clairalience which is the psychic sense of smelling. I'm not saying I'm psychic I'm sharing this information because often when I'm on to something important for my authentic truth a beautiful fragrance will accompany it. 

And while laying enjoying the intoxicating aroma Wednesdays Wisdom came to mind...

my challenge

I know I said I'd blog more about the Hindu festivals we just celebrated and I will but I am so pumped about embarking upon a challenge I couldn't wait another day to share my news with you.

I haven't been feeling good for sometime now, if you've been following my blog you know I attempted a year long Happiness Project at the start of the new year but since returning to India it has fallen to the way side. Its been a harder adjustment this time around, but that is a whole other blog! I do look over my notes and past posts as a reminder regularly and attempt to keep up with the things that make my heart smile but still there is a restlessness with me,beyond that there is actually an anger and longing inside of me. I've tried to figure out what I'm angry about but it has no logical reason that I can find, it just stirs and is volatile and I don't like who I become when it rears its ugly head.

I've learned to accept emotions but I do not choose to ride them, I refuse to sit around feeling sorry for myself but some days I just want to crawl into a hole so my only option is to get to the source, the truth. Fighting feelings has not worked in defusing them so in an attempt to ground myself and ride out the storm of negative thoughts directed both inwards and outwards I am embarking on this challenge.

More importantly I don't want my children to grow up with a stressed out Mom, especially when I can't think of one reason to be stressed in my life. My life is pretty laid back on so many levels as far as "nothing to do" goes. I live in a culture that places little to no stress on time, I'm married to a wonderful man who's motto is "tension is for giving not taking" in other words don't stress about anything leave it for others. My life is pretty relaxed, each day brings what it will without much effort or planning, yet for some reason I am resistant to it all.

I get cranky daily around the same time and have tried everything from taking naps, changing food habits to playing soothing music yet I find myself yelling and pulling my hair out by late afternoon/early evening. I keep telling myself somethings gotta give, if only someone would take the kids for an hour, if only there was more to do in my small town, if only someone could help me figure this out...if only..if only. Today that all changes!

No one can save me but me, I've always known this and taught it to my clients but lately I've lost touch with being my own hero and I've been blaming others and my circumstances for my uneasiness. The first time I ever traveled to India I left after three months a deeper more peaceful version of myself. Shanti is the Hindi word for peaceful and I want that shanti me back! My life has changed dramatically since that first trip seven years ago and I've also slipped away from the very things that helped to bring that inner peace, with two small children I don't have the ability to live the way I once did but there are a few simple things I can do.

So today my friends I am committing back to me. For the sake of all those I love.



I'm starting with two initiatives the first is a thirty day "Repose" challenge, It is a book written by dear friends of mine that offers a simple technique of laying outstretched as shown in this photo three times a day for seven minutes each in what is referred to as a Potent Pause. It is a receptive opening of the body that is said to relieve stress, aches and pains and increase energy, its free and easy so totally worth a try!

My second challenge to get back to yoga, this will be a much larger challenge then a mere Thirty days in fact it will last the better part of a year since I will explore the entire eight limbs of yoga as per the original teachings of Pantanjali the grandfather and first teacher of yoga. Asana, Hatha or what we know in the west as getting on our mat is the physical practice but what most don't realize is it's but a small fraction of Yoga.



I will blog as often as possible about the experience I hope you tune in regularly I'd love to have you along for this adventure...

I really don't know what balance is now that I'm a mother

It hit me like a ton of bricks; I really don't know what balance is now that I'm a mother! I keep talking and blogging about it saying I want it, but my idea of balance has been based on other peoples opinions, other parents who offer advice on what their idea of balance is since my children arrived. It's also largely based on the type of work/life balance I had before I ever moved to India. In truth I was so shanti (peaceful) and ready to take on the world when I made the move but over these last few years I feel more like sticking my head in a hole and hiding.  The move to India although hugely transformative has left me feeling unsettled in my own skin. There have been obvious BIG changes i.e. living in a new culture, getting married, co-living with my Indian family which is the polar opposite of how things are done in North America, having two children in under two years to name a few haha. The major life changes have brought about a world of subtle changes;  my patience isn't as intact as I would like, as I mentioned in my last blog I am more reactive and not nearly as grounded as I know I'm capable of. And honestly lately I've been longing for simplicity which is what led me to leave Canada and move to India in the first place but at a loss as to how to bring it back within the new realm of the life I have now created.

The only thing I know for sure is Yoga helped in the past so I made the initiative to get on my mat more often and have managed to keep the resolution through the new year. I've also been eating healthier and drinking lots of warm water during this cold winter season. I've been experiencing some back pain and since returning to my yoga mat it has amplified. Don't misunderstand me my asana practice is not causing the pain, the pain has been present for quite awhile if I had to wager a guess I'd say since I got pregnant with my first child well over two years ago. I've been ignorant to the pain blaming it on the pregnancies, child birth itself, recovery from major surgeries (both pregnancies resulted in c-sections) but stepping back on my mat and finally coming up out of the daze of mommyhood allowing a few precious moments of attention to fall within my own body has forced me to confront myself, again. All of sudden I am acutely aware of the signals that have manifested in my physical being that I've been ignoring few over two years. Admittedly there are times I'm tempted to take an advil and duck under the covers but I know from experience these truth aches won't disappear, they will only intensify until dealt with. Instead of feeling sorry for myself which is easy to do when one is in pain I instead turn my attention to the excitement of getting back in touch with me, its like getting ready to spend time with one of my oldest and dearest friends.