Well I slept through the night for the first time in over three years, not only did both kids bless me by not waking one time but I actually slept in until six thirty, I was shocked when I arose and looked at the clock.
I also have more energy today than I've had in a long time. Normally I tackle one cleaning project a day i.e. Monday I wash the floors and walls and clean all the ledges, Tuesday I tackle the bathroom... today not only did I cook and get the kids bathed and my son off to school as per norm, I did the three of my major cleaning projects all before my first cup of chai!
I still got a little cranky this afternoon but not nearly as intense, and the anxiety seems to have subsided now that I'm choosing to feel it more as an excitement over what is about to be unveiled. However I felt something different today as I laid in Repose, a deep rooted sadness, a feeling of pure loneliness, something I'm finally ready to admit I feel quite often. I'd like to blame it on India and the fact that I do not have one single friend in my Holy town but in truth it doesn't matter where I am in this world, I am often accompanied by this sadness.
I believe that God (the universe, source, insert your own label here) has me exactly where I am supposed to be so I can learn the most valuable truths, in this case if you can't be happy alone, with no one or no thing to distract you than you will truly never be happy. More importantly you must become your own best friend, learn to enjoy your own company which I thought I had accomplished. I love spending time in nature alone, going for walks, sitting near a body of water, shopping but all of those things are distraction in a way (yes they can certainly be rejuvenating as well) but right now there is just me, no where to go and no one to go do it with and it's powerful!
I know at least one of my soul contracts is discovering my self worth and that can only come from inside me, I am the only thing that has been and will be constant in this life, everything else is transient. Everything. The lesson I know is I'm truly never alone when I'm connected to my higher self, my authentic truth.
Today I have felt raw. When we begin to calm the mind hidden emotions often arise. Once again I waited until the kids were in bed to do Yoga and tears flowed on my yoga mat, there is a saying if you haven't cried on your yoga mat you're not doing it right. That may sound sad but it is therapeutic, like when I child has a big cry over something then is completely fine because they let out their true raw emotions, they don't bottle one ounce of it. So I allowed myself, without judgement or the need to figure out why I was crying, to sob.
It was blissful like giving myself a BIG hug which a dear friend and Yoga teacher has all of her students do in class and I'm grateful to have remembered her teaching this evening, at the end of my practice I wrapped my arms around myself. Now as I sit writing this I feel slightly more connected, more rooted, my mood is lifting but I'm ready to continue to ride the ebbs and flows...
I also have more energy today than I've had in a long time. Normally I tackle one cleaning project a day i.e. Monday I wash the floors and walls and clean all the ledges, Tuesday I tackle the bathroom... today not only did I cook and get the kids bathed and my son off to school as per norm, I did the three of my major cleaning projects all before my first cup of chai!
I still got a little cranky this afternoon but not nearly as intense, and the anxiety seems to have subsided now that I'm choosing to feel it more as an excitement over what is about to be unveiled. However I felt something different today as I laid in Repose, a deep rooted sadness, a feeling of pure loneliness, something I'm finally ready to admit I feel quite often. I'd like to blame it on India and the fact that I do not have one single friend in my Holy town but in truth it doesn't matter where I am in this world, I am often accompanied by this sadness.
I believe that God (the universe, source, insert your own label here) has me exactly where I am supposed to be so I can learn the most valuable truths, in this case if you can't be happy alone, with no one or no thing to distract you than you will truly never be happy. More importantly you must become your own best friend, learn to enjoy your own company which I thought I had accomplished. I love spending time in nature alone, going for walks, sitting near a body of water, shopping but all of those things are distraction in a way (yes they can certainly be rejuvenating as well) but right now there is just me, no where to go and no one to go do it with and it's powerful!
I know at least one of my soul contracts is discovering my self worth and that can only come from inside me, I am the only thing that has been and will be constant in this life, everything else is transient. Everything. The lesson I know is I'm truly never alone when I'm connected to my higher self, my authentic truth.
It was blissful like giving myself a BIG hug which a dear friend and Yoga teacher has all of her students do in class and I'm grateful to have remembered her teaching this evening, at the end of my practice I wrapped my arms around myself. Now as I sit writing this I feel slightly more connected, more rooted, my mood is lifting but I'm ready to continue to ride the ebbs and flows...
1 comment:
Interesting isn't it? I don't know when I managed to achieve enjoying being with myself, but I always have since I was a small child. I rarely feel lonely but admittedly there are occasions when I'd like some interaction with the outside world, so I go out and get my fill. There's a difference though. I think you enjoy being with yourself, but you can't easily access your "outside" world the way you were used to in Canada. It's coming though. Your world will always be expanding and shrinking to suit your current needs. Your needs "are" being met but since you've always been a warrior you feel the need to fight for everything. Thing is, while fighting with yourself you learn, you grow, then you open, and while the process can feel exhausting, it takes that to come to your truth. As humans we love interaction and being the social person that you are it must be super challenging to be in your current situation but you are there for a reason and I think you're just figuring that out. Everything else will come when it's time it here. I remember saying to you when you were 16 years old, don't be in a rush for life it all happens in time, and I still stand by that statement. Much love xo
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