Scribbles from my world...

The inner work continues. like a yo yo I'm up I'm down but the beautiful part is I'm in it. 

I don't have the energy or the time to write right now, I'm releasing and my energy needs to be there, not distracted which is so tempting to do. In this place of liberation I have surrendered, I am not trying to change it, or hurry it, or make it anything other than what it is. I offer myself and all that I am and hope to become to this pivotal stage. 

But in an effort to stay true to the writing, sharing process I will leave you this week with some notes I scribbled that seem to sum up the process I am undergoing:

The ocean takes a breath, I feel myself do the same. It’s shifting, swirling, moving with no sense of direction yet every sense of purpose

I feel the energy shifting in my body, my vibration is rising. 

I feel in sync with the chaos of the ocean. 

Waves climb their way up onto the rocks, sliding and cascading content to just make a splash.

The ocean breaths in once again, I do the same. 

The waves reach higher, a deeper sense of urgency stirs in my soul. Big waves, small waves, hardly a ripple, it’s all the same water…

The ocean takes a breath I do the same

~ In Love and Light Beautiful Souls

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Messages in places you don't expect...

It's been a huge week of release for me. More crying than I can even begin to explain, but that in itself has been very healing. I've also really been focusing on connecting back to the parts of me I somehow lost along the path. There were many pieces that needed to fall, they no longer served my highest truth but there were some that I let go without realizing the harm it was doing to my soul. So while I spend some quiet time contemplating I'm also doing all I can to connect back to the elemental side of my being, more on that in future blogs.

I was going to skip a post this week but thought instead to assure you the messages continue to pour in from the universe as I remain open, even though some days the emptiness I am still feeling threatens to consume me. 

One particular example of a message where I didn't expect it:

I am not a fan of television, years before I moved to India I threw mine out. I do everything I can to avoid it. People use it as “a way to unwind” and when I first returned home from three months of ashram peaceful existence I was excited to catch up on some of my favourite shows but within five minutes I could not believe the way my body was feeling. I finally understood what many scientists had already proven. Watching television elevates stress levels in the body.

Needless to say rarely does the television come on in our home unless hubby who loves to watch movies turns it on and I often leave the room. The other day I really wanted to be close to him, I needed to be in his presence the weather was to hot outside to go anywhere and enjoy ourselves and for once the idea of getting lost for awhile in a movie was actually appealing so I gave in and watched pretty much an entire movie with my beloved.

He put on an English station so I could really enjoy myself without having to think of the translation, it was one of the Xmen movies, not really my genre but remember my post from last week about remaining open and you know what? True to my world it was quite deeper than I anticipated and there was even a powerful message in a scene towards the end when one of the main characters visits himself in the future and he gets a message from his feature self about taking in all of the emotional pain of those around him because ”he was built to handle it”. It is part of his special (mutant) power and is the gift he can offer, as an empath it rang so true I actually cried one of those healthy “Oh my God somebody understands me and maybe I do have a purpose” cries.

The very next day I randomly picked up one of my many notebooks scattered in various locations throughout our room and I found this note that I had written to the universe a few months back:

“I feel it so you don’t have to.

I cry for reasons unknown even to me

I shed tears for your release, to give you space to breathe and continue

I chose this, I am led to believe

I came here ready to take it all on

A spiritual warrior, a sponge, an innocent soul ready to help be the change

But the hurt, the injustice that must be consumed and transmuted is wearing me down

I need strength, in Grace, from the angels that are among us seen and unseen, I need you to show me my purpose, that all of this is worth fighting for.”

And a tiny spark is ignited, a shimmer of hope, a bit of strength to continue to face the shadows…

Tell me what messages came through for you this week?

In love and light beautiful souls ~

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Open and waiting for guidance...

I wish I could say it's been easy since I did the parikarma of my town, that I woke up the following morning filled with vitality and joy and everything just fell into place. That my world has been nothing but sunshine and butterflies. Well actually there has been a lot of sunshine a little to much. Indian summers have the same affect on me as Canadian winters. In both cases one tends to be housebound. For months it has been too hot to really get out and enjoy the world around me but at the same time I recognize those are just circumstances, and if one allows circumstances and/or situations to determine their happiness or inner peace then effort is futile. Blaming the weather for any of my emotions or discomforts is remaining in victim mode.

*For those of you interested in ways to break out of Victim Mentality here is a link to a great article with some helpful hints!

In truth while the sun blazes outside my work is inside, inside of me. The sun in all of its power has a ton of healing properties and I'm tapping into the energy of the sun and cycles of the moon to assist me on this aligning journey but more on that in future blogs.

Me Hiking the Inca Trail

In all honesty this is proving to be the biggest undertaking I've encountered thus far in my life, and I've trekked the Andes! The continuous bombardment in my mind of random thoughts are wasted energy. I once remember a teacher from Brahma Kumaris when asked how she could possibly look so young and have so much vitality at such an old age, she was in her 90's and keeping a schedule that most thirty year old's would tire from, and she replied that she didn't "waste thoughts"

Have you ever taken a moment, an hour, or  day to listen to your thoughts? It can be exhausting! They say the average person has between 50 000 to 70 000 thoughts per day that is 35 to 48 thoughts per minute!

Reining in my thoughts is just one of the keys to finding the inner peace that continue to allude me. Also getting a handle on my reactions. Now I'm not talking about not honouring my emotions I simply mean I do not want my emotions to control me and the way I treat  those around me.

I've been understanding more how important our emotions are, any perceived negative emotion is simply a guidepost to let us know we are no longer aligned with source, our higher self. And while the knowledge of this truth is an essential stepping stone for growth it does not eradicate the fact that I have been feeling A LOT of anger, surges of it in fact. Often around the same time, late afternoon early evening, I literally want to strangle somebody, or beat any body that comes near my space. But see I have two small children that are almost always in my space so it makes it very difficult to move past and I will not allow myself to have them be the grunt of the onslaught of this raw emotion.

So I am looking for helpful ways to diffuse and release and am completely open to your suggestions

One friend suggested punching pillows, I've tried it, doesn't work for me. And in truth I don't want my kids to see me that angry and  think that somehow they are the cause for Mommy's hatred of the moment.

Another friend offered that perhaps I was absorbing the anger of those around me. It's true, I am an empath in many ways, and it is correct that my husband's angry reputation is reputed in our town so perhaps I am absorbing the anger that is still inside of him yet consciously he now has far more control over. But I was angry long before he was ever even in my life. I can remember an Osteopath well over a decade ago informing me I had a lot of "anger stored inside", an acupuncturist made the same comment during our sessions and even the Swami that I first studied with here in India told me while I had a "beautiful heart filled with an enormous amount of love there was some deep anger in my cells that needed to be released."

So it brings me back to square one. My favourite teacher of the moment is Bentinho Massaro and the latest lesson I watched on youtube he proposed when you feel something negative instead of wishing it away say Hell Yeah! Bring it on, it's pointing to a place where you are not aligned and that is a beautiful thing, the question to ask is "okay so where do I go next with it?"

So I sit, open and waiting to receive the guidance needed in this next phase of my journey, perhaps one of you holds the answer...

A picture taken before marriage in Rishikesh a time when I felt more at peace then ever before in my life

~ In Love and Light Sweet Souls

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When the shift happened and I saw stars in the darkness...

It all really started to shift back into place during Adhik Mass here in India it's an auspicious month that according to the lunar calender happens approx every three years,

A month that should be and completely was devoted to "self-development, evaluation, assessment, reflection, retrospection and Introspection", so that is exactly what I did. I made the commitment to get back to me, to listen to the prompts, to give up the excuses, to stop wallowing in victimhood. I took back control but at the same time surrendered; one of the many paradoxes faced on the spiritual path. Two seemingly opposite theories yet both divinely intertwined.

During Adhik Mass they say "it is a time for one's own soul and spirit to complete all pending work, detoxify the body and engage in spiritual rituals. To regain ones strength in physical, mental, emotional and spiritual terms."

About a week into the month I decided to join with of my family members who were engaging in Parikrama, it is a walk circling an area or sacred spot, in this instance the town I call home in India, 11 km that encompasses all five thousand ancient temples, It is said to purify ones world, eliminating karma and releasing one from the cycle of birth and rebirth. I've done it before but the last time was five years ago.

While walking, barefoot I may add, I thought about all of the excuses I've used since marrying my beloved and giving birth to our two children, I was growing increasingly ill, and stressed. I was still far more reactive than I wanted to be, I knew this walk was what I needed to begin empowering myself again, facing a challenge can remind you of how little the little peeves really are.

We, a number of family members including some of the children, left at 4:30am and it was still dark outside, years ago it was dirt roads, when I first started travelling to India only seven years ago it was still dirt roads but now the entire thing is concrete, The government kept one area off to the side fenced in similar to sidewalks in the west where the dust remains, unfortunately it is also a dumping ground for thousands of outsiders who descend upon our town each day, Workers have been trying to keep it clean but to no avail, so on the pavement we sauntered, my feet began to ache at about the half way point.

I seriously considered jumping on a passing rickshaw, I questioned the point of continuing, what was this really serving? My family was doing it for God. I don't believe in a God that blesses some and punishes others, if that was the case then why oh Lord why are people like Kanye West and Kim Kardashian still living large while school teachers are being poorly paid and often purchasing school supplies their own money?

I begged to know was this serving my higher self? My God self?

And then it happened, the undeniable call of a peacock, the morning sun igniting the moment.

I slowed and was in awe, could it really be?

The peacock is symbolic in almost every faith and country.

In Greek mythology Hera gave the peacock it's many eyes to see the past, present and future, the all knowing eye (truth). Chinese say that the blending of the five colours of it's feathers gives us the sweet harmony of sound. In Egypt, the peacock is associated with the Sun God Ra. In Christianity the peacock symbolises death and resurrection. And here in India he is associated with Lord Krishna, the very God whose path I was following for this walk; the ultimate enjoyer and lover of life. 

I felt a presence, larger than the bird in front of me, larger than me, it's one I've known since childhood and I felt the message being offered; "you've got this, there is nothing you can not achieve if you really want it" 

My spirit lifted and I felt a spring in my step. I wanted this, I wanted to prove to myself I once more that I was capable, capable of anything and everything!

About three quarters of the way through I couldn't understand how my sister in laws were still walking normally, I was hobbling. They were on day four of this walk, day four! I thought my feet had gotten tough after five years running around India but I was wrong. I began to beat myself up, what was wrong with me? All I wanted was epsom salt soak and good cry they didn't seem phased at all. I exercise and do yoga practically daily, they do nothing of the sort, how was I so much weaker?

Another peacock sang in the distance. My mind stopped and I realized the continuous patterns I was going to have to work on if I was truly going to achieve inner peace. The comparisons, the self judgement, the belief that I or my life was anything but divine. It was all going to have to end and it was going to take courage and constant attention to my thoughts to get there.

I changed my focus I realized these women in general have a strength I admire. There isn't time to waste in self pity or wallowing when as task is at hand, just get it done! I was honoured remember they are a reflection of me. My heart smiled and I noticed a woman trot by with her mala bag and I regretted the decision to not bring mine, I chose to not bring it fearing my family would think I looked to much like a "foreigner devotee" but as the peacock continued his song I reminded myself that I am a foreigner. Yes I wear the clothes, speak the language (sort of) I even have the name but I'm still a Canadian girl, One they all accepted open heartedly, one they all respect for all that I have done to be part of their culture, but never, ever did they ask me to stop being me, that I did to myself..

And my darknight of the soul began to lift...

State of my dusty feet when I returned home

One of four blisters

                                                                                                                                                                                                     

In Love and Light Beautiful Souls ~

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Aligning habits aligned with desires

I've been torn over what to write about next. There are so many aspects of my life that would like a voice but yet each day since my last blog when I sat at my computer I drew a blank, what do I really want to put out here now?

I don't like to rehash the past but I think it's an important aspect of my journey and a few of you have expressed interest in understanding a dark night experience.

I came across this great article this week on Dark Night of the Soul that may help you to understand what I and maybe even you have experienced.

My dark night was intense and long, not the first one I've ever experienced but the longest and most challenging. It essentially challenged every aspect of my life and while for the most part it has lifted, I'm still working through processing all of the information and implementing the changes that have to occur in order for me to find the one thing I've been praying for; Inner Peace.

It's a lofty prayer, filled with so much interpretation. When people come to visit me or join in on our of our Spiritual Adventures at our Guesthouse there is one particular temple we always try to fit in. This temple is renowned in India for having your prayers answered. I can attest; my marriage to my Indian love, my babies, trips to Canada all manifested within a short period of time after being present within this sacred space, the auspicious energy of the area and deity can be felt and I have no doubt it is a vortex.

Over the last year my prayer has been for lasting inner peace. When I think of inner peace I think of a relaxed life, where everything just kinda flows easy breezy. I don't expect that life will be perfect all the time but my prayers have simply been to bring that sense of joy and ease back into my world.

Like anything inner peace is possible but it takes work, inner work, and continuous practice. 

My dark night was a deep cleaning of sorts. First I had to recognize all of the patterns that have kept me from my peace. The thing is if you're willing to see them, you'll then notice that everything and everyone around you that is negative or disturbing is merely a reflection of your own truth. This can be a hard pill to swallow. I wasn't sure what to do with the information being tossed at me.

My honeymoon with the country I call home ended. I began to see the injustice, the poverty, the pollution, the patriarchal society that I had agreed to raise my children in. I was feeling overwhelmed and very alone.

My marriage began to suffer. It seemed that no matter what I said or did my husband wasn't happy with me. In one moment he was supportive and filled with love and next irate or withdrawn. I began to walk on egg shells around him, worried that I would set off one of his moods.

I felt I could only connect with the women of my house if I was complaining about something, so I shared my list of grievances with them, often. Negativity is like cancer when it spreads and I was consumed.

The stress was taking a toll on my health physically and mentally. I was no longer able to focus and really my children where the ones who were suffering at my lack of light which only intensified the darkness surrounding me.

I began to sink into an anxiety filled depression.

I read somewhere depression is when are thoughts are in the past and anxiety is when our thoughts are in the future. Check and Check!

I was spending a lot of time wondering how I would survive and be happy again in this country, in my marriage, in this world. I was also growing increasingly resentful of all I had left behind in Canada to be here. Never a good cycle.

I did the only thing I could, I turned to prayer. I prayed for direction, for connection to truth, for the inner peace I longed to experience again, and I opened up to see, hear and feel the truth.

See the thing is messages are everywhere and once I began to remember that it is all God the messages began to pour in. The universe began showing me what I needed to do. Angels were guiding me back home, back into my light, my alignment.

I started by getting back on my yoga mat. I started there because that was where I was when I wsas my happiest, my most connected. Twenty minutes was the goal, connection to higher self is the true goal of yoga, union. Release began there, that is the first step in healing, releasing all that no longer serves you.

More importantly for me I began waking up before everyone in my family and meditating. I couldn't turn on my computer, or the television with this prompt. It seemed my angels were diligent at nailing this message home! Understandably meditation is the key to my calm, I know, I've known it for decades, even if it is for only 5 minutes it's something and life (day) altering.

Then I was prompted to write, I was added to blogger group, I was inspired by writing groups but I started slowing with notes; when I was stressed out by anyone, I'd write it out, Why I was stressed, if there was anything I could do to change the situation, what would I like to outcome to be and the key was at the end to make a list of all the things I loved about the person "who was stressing me out".

To help my marriage I was led to a crazy amount of quotes and writings on love and relationships. I began to understand my husband was showing me my own lack of self worth, a part of my blueprint I came into this life to work through.

To help our relationship  I began playing the music each morning that my husband and I fell in love to during our courtship.

Each time he spewed venom at me I recognized it was my own beliefs coming back at me. It only hurt when I thought it was true.

Beautiful teachers and their lessons were being brought into my world via the internet and teachings were bringing me into a whole new understanding. Each time hubby stung me I had to look in the mirror, it was my truth, something I believed to be true about myself.

One teacher in particular said "if someone said Oh My God you look like a Chinese person! how would you respond?" I know I'd probably think the person had gone insane. Well this is how crazy I needed to think Hubby was when he said anything I perceived as an insult and you know what, it has worked.




My marriage is in such an amazing place, hubby can still have moods as any of us humans can but they are few and far between and instead of lasting for days they last only minutes. My response, usually a smile on the inside and to just love him through it. That's all any of us want, unconditional love despite our flaws. His reactions like any of us tend to come from our own place of stress and lack on inner peace. The more peaceful I am, the more he and everyone around me is.




When I do spend time with the ladies of my home I keep the conversation focused on all that is great in our lives, if they can't shake it, I convince them to put on music and shake it off, usually with the assistance of the kids. kids have a great way at bringing laughter and joy into a room!

To fall back in love with the country I was calling home I began my blog on all the things I love about living in India (which will continue because in truth the list is long!)

These were just some of the changes I implemented that really helped to bring a bit of balance back into my world. Perhaps I'll write more on the lessons that came forth but for now I leave you in a place of understanding what I did to bring me out of it.
Because where I am now is worth talking about so much more than where I was. 

It's why I prefer the question "how are you" verses "how have you been" keeping life centred in the present moment is one of my keys to inner peace.

Tell me are your habits aligned with your desires?


In Light and Love
Namaste

A list of things I love about life in India...9 Temples

Number 9 on my list of  things I love about Life in India is...

Temples

There is something magical about the temples of India. For me they have become sanctuaries. I honestly believe to cultivate a relationship with higher self, God, source, the universe whatever you want to call it you do not need anything but the stillness of your mind and the whispers of your heart. But the energy around you can either support or thwart your spiritual growth. Where I live in India there are over 5000 ancient temples and many new modern ones. Many of these structures have become sanctuaries for me. A place of refuge, a space where I can absorb some pretty beautiful positive vibes and enjoy the peaceful, or intense bhakti energy, depending on my mood determines the temple I visit at any given time.

When I want entertainment, fun and tasty cake I visit ISKCON; the Hare Krishna temple as we would refer to it in North America, here in my town it is called the "Angrez Mandir" which literally translates to the "foreigner temple." Most locals don't attend this temple but it was one of my first experiences with deity worship and someday I'll share the story but I feel I have a bond there, plus its often the only time I see other white people!



I'll admit to my Christian friends I sometimes feel like Jesus did in Matthew 21:12 "And Jesus entered the temple and drove out all those who were buying and selling in the temple and overturned the tables of the money changers and seats of those who were selling doves. And he said to the them "It is written, MY HOUSE SHALL BE CALLED A HOUSE OF PRAYER"; but you are making it a ROBBERS DEN." when I enter this temple sometimes I'm saddened and disgusted how God is for sale but then it's not my place to judge if I want to live true to ancient texts. So instead I view it for what it is to me; a place of connection, a bhakti high and a source of entertainment all in the name of divine love.

Here is a video clip from the Kirtan that takes place daily;

Then there are the quiet out of the way temples that many outsiders don't even hear about, ones that feel so ancient and are picturesque to me of what India looks like. Your soul can't help but be transported to a deeper more knowing place of love and connection.

I always find in these lesser known temples there is a sense of history,I can feel the energy that existed long before I did. I often feel like I'm transported back in time, it brings out the spiritual adventurer in me.

I've been privileged being married to a local, some of these temples are tucked away and one may not even realize it's a place of worship. I feel blessed to be exposed to their beauty and gifted with their energy.

And I know this will sound a little strange but when the deity connects with me, through eye contact, a wink or even a smile, words whisper from my heart and I know I'm on the right path. Many of these powerful beacons call to my heart and I can't get them out of my head until I visit, whenever I heed the call and find my way to them I'm usually gifted with a new insight into my world, my life and my true nature.




"You may pray for an hour and still not pray. You may meet God for a moment and then be in touch with him all day." ~ Fredrik Wisloff

"In worship an increased power steals its way into your heart, an increased compassion grows in the soul. To worship is to change." ~ Richard J Foster

I lead a number of retreats yearly in our Holy Area exploring the off the beat temples and sacred areas most travel guides don't even mention, if you'd like more information make sure to "like" and "follow" Balanced Soul on facebook or email 1balancedsoul@gmail.com


There is still more to come in this series be sure to check back regularly...

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Bhakti the path of love...

"During a certain phase of the journey, we are not open to understanding the parts of ourselves that play against our own happiness. We are not really willing to get to know ourselves - we just want to get rid of our symptoms that bring suffering. In this phase, prayer and devotion are like a bargain that we use because they meet our needs, It is natural to start off like this, but at some point we must let go of this bargaining in order to continue along the path of love, Devotion is not meant as an occasional practice; only when it is firm and steady can it lead us to the experience of oneness. what builds this steadiness is self-awareness" ~ Sri Prem Baba

I started the Bhakti portion of this Yoga Challenge at one of my favorite temples here in my sacred town. It is my intention to engage in some form of prayer, worship everyday for a minimum of thirty days, but if the results are anything like the rest of this practice it will become as much as part of my world as eating food and drinking water.

"When speaking of Bhakti we could be referring to an emotion, a practice, a school of philosophical thought, a popular movement, or state of consciousness. The common thread that connects all of these uses of term is its relation to the souls dormant love for God that is seen as the very essence of our being. The idea that the very purpose of human life is uncovering that essence is found throughout the worlds spiritual traditions" ~ Radhanath Swami

For me it is a a bit of a step back, back to the source of my love for this quaint little town. This temple is where I was introduced to my first Hindu God. I live in the town where Krishna was born. He is known throughout Hinduism as the ultimate enjoyer. The lover of love, silly and carefree, strong and bold but the core of my learning in relation to this being is the purpose to life is to enjoy, to enjoy every moment of every day and in truth isn't that what we all are really craving?

Day Eleven of my Challenge - As promised more on one of my favorite Festivals we celebrated

After pondering yesterdays blog I think I've come to the conclusion that the universe delivers us situations based on our thoughts and beliefs about ourselves and life. One can say "fate" delivers us opportunities, what we do with these chances that are offered determines our destiny. Which is always changing depending on our choices, our thoughts and our actions (or sometimes non action.)

So yes God has us exactly where we are supposed to be, surrounded by the people and circumstances that will give us the deepest reflection of our truth. The more we resist what is the longer it will stick around (good or bad). We must learn to accept what is, knowing it is for our highest good (which like a loving parent is the only thing the all loving universe wanst for us) so really it is about surrendering to what is so we can manifest what will be!

As promised I will tell you about one of my favorite Indian Festivals we celebrated a few weeks ago, it's called Bhaiya Dooj (or Bhai Doj)

"Nowhere is the bond of brotherly-sisterly love glorified with such grandeur as in India"

Sisters visit their brothers home and in a ceremony they put an auspicious mark called a tilak on the forehead of their brother, this is a mark of love and protection, they then perform aarti of him (a worship) by lighting sacred fire also known as holy flame, then they give their brothers a coconut which is considered God's Fruit. Sisters in turn are lavished with gifts and blessings from their brothers

My husband has two sisters both of which came and spent the day at our home. My son has six sisters and my daughter nine brothers, it made for a wonderful day filled with laughter and love.

These are some of the sweetest pictures of my children during the ceremonies.

My absolute favorite photo is this one of my son touching the feet of my daughter asking for blessings

There are few more festivals we celebrated that I will discuss further in future blogs for now I must Repose...

An example of how I was able to take my reaction to a place of truth within myself

In my last blog I talked about responses being conditioned or genuine and over the last couple of weeks I’ve been doing my best to be conscious of all of my opinions and responses to people, situations and circumstances. I’ll share one with you: I had a friend who made a joke on Facebook about the Maha Mantra reminding him of another song, I found it funny but the response he invoked in others was overwhelming, some people were upset, others made derogatory comments about the ISKCON devotees who have made this mantra into a type of anthem and some like me just laughed. My friend in his own defence said he enjoyed the mantra as a spiritual practice and meant no disrespect he was just being silly which is part of what makes him so wonderful (in my humble opinion anyway). The reason I am bringing all of this up is because as my friend continued the thread on his page and he repeatedly referred to the devotees as “The Krishna’s” and each time it struck something inside of me that made me choke a little. I discussed it with him and began to understand it was because I live in Vrindavan which is the playground of Lord Krishna. His teachings and pastimes are synonymous with life there and I witness so many people who worship Krishna as their path to God yet are no way connected to ISKCON (the Hare Krishna movement) which has such a stigma attached to it here in the west and I find if anyone hears me recite the maha mantra or mention Krishna’s name they instantly think of the tambourine shaking bald headed ISKCON members dancing around and mistake me for one. Not that I have a problem with ISKCON I have friends who are part of the movement what bothers me is the judgement that is attached to being a Hare Krishna and people here in the west not realizing just because someone worships Krishna (or in my case mentions Krishna) does not mean they are part of that world. Just like is someone who worships Jesus is not necessarily Catholic, there are many branches on the tree of Christianity as well as Hinduism. For me it’s a love of studying the religions of the world, playing with their teachings, digging away and delving into the truth each one initiates in me.

Faith is faith and worship is worship, I feel everyone has to do what appeals to them or they can’t do it from a place of pure love (or Bhakti as it is known in Sanskrit). In the Hindu faith which I am surrounded by I had truth chills when I discovered that there is a belief that our creative source, God if you will allow the word, has had to take on many different forms to appeal to the many different mind sets of humankind, from Krishna to Jesus to Mohammad, it is all one, we are all one, the important thing is to find a path, whatever that may be, something that leads you closer to your divine self.

Just one example of how I was able to take my reaction to a place of truth within myself and you may be asking what did I learn? Well, I really need to stop caring about other people’s judgment of me! I  sooooo thought I was past all of that “caring what other people think” but this experiment has helped me to understand on some level I’m still seeking approval and ultimately just want to be loved and accepted by everyone, which in itself is an impossible task. So instead I am working on improving the quality of love and acceptance I have for myself which is also a task but not an impossible one…

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continue to breathe and pray...

…they took me for an echo scan of my baby’s heart, the lack of distress shown by my little boy, no signs of any leaks, blockages or holes were all positive reinforcements. They decided observation was the best route to determine how often this high heart rate was occurring and which course of action would suit us best.  I was checked with a Doppler each hour for one minute and after three days and a bit more testing they decided deeper monitoring was needed to get a more accurate occurrence. Three times a day I was hooked up to monitors for an hour, my baby kicked and squirmed showing his annoyance at this intrusion (I read somewhere the sound of these monitors is equivalent to a helicopter hovering over your house). They talked a bit more about putting me on heart medication and by the end of the week concluded this was likely the best route of action, they would continue to monitor over the weekend and on Monday begin the dosage. I meditated in an effort to communicate with my baby (something I had been doing frequently) and told him it was now or never. If he truly needed these meds to make his heart healthy and strong for his arrival I was more than willing to be the vessel to deliver them to him but if for some chance he did not need them now was the time to let the doctors know.

That Saturday evening I began bleeding quite heavily, I was rushed to the birthing unit where I spent the night with what I deemed my Goddess troop. My mother, grandmother, aunt and bff did their best to keep the situation light and joyful. Although there was fear in the air the laughter cut through it like moon piercing the night sky outside our window. We made bets on the baby’s arrival and size, bribed the nurses to let me eat and joked with the doctors referring to them as characters from a popular TV medical dramody.

 I was released back to my room upstairs early in the morning but by the end of the day was brought back to the birthing unit because of enduring contractions. My Goddess troop assembled once more but now things were getting a little more serious. We did our best to keep things light but exhaustion and the reality of the situation was beginning to weigh in. I was one centimeter dilated and the contractions were steady, when they reached four minutes apart once again my mantra was the only thing that could help me breathe through the intensity and keep faith in the circumstances. I had to trust God’s plan but it didn’t stop me from begging for more time, I was only 30 weeks and I knew every day my precious baby boy was inside was a good day, I continued to breath and pray…

 

My goal is to make a career out of writing, if you would like to support my efforts you can do so by clicking below and making a donation, thank you for your continued support

A Drop in the Celestial Bucket

I wake up and make my way to the kitchen to prepare chai. I touch the feet of Papaji then Mummiji it’s a sign of respect but also a request for their blessings. From the roof I watch the rising sun; coming up quickly it showers the sky in a cornucopia of colour; maroons, pinks and gold’s. Like me its eager to see a new day. A family of monkeys jump across the rooftops. Temple bells begin ringing and my heart fills, I remember my breath and OM three times.

At one of my favorite temples, ladies string flower malas outside; inside the deities are revealed during the most intense portion of kirtan (spiritual music). I look into the eyes of Radha her message pours into my heart “Stop worrying, everything is happening exactly as it should, trust”. Krishna’s energy calls my attention “I’m with you, why do you still question anything?”  My faith grows “how can I be of service?” I ask. “Finish your book!” I’m once again prompted to remember the words that are waiting to be written.

On our way home the streets are filled with people. Stopped by the crowd there’s hardly room to maneuver the motorcycle. Somehow my partner finds space between the patrons, “hang on” he says, his words have more depth than just the present moment. Change is stirring in the air, I embrace it and him tightening my grip but I relax remembering to trust, not just his skills as a driver but the flow of life.

Sometimes instead of concentrating on the direction we are travelling while racing through the chaos that is Indian traffic I prefer to watch the scenery. We pass auto rickshaws decorated with images of God, saffron robes, a brown cow, a white cow, then a pink and blue cow (still has colour on it from Holi). A saddhu dances to music only he can hear. I remember the beat of my own drum.

At home a spider makes its way from a tree branch to the ground, halfway down a bird flies in snagging him as a tasty treat. A blue butterfly dances around the flower pot. As I enter my room my two year old niece is rolling on my bed by herself laughing for no apparent reason.  Mummiji offers me a small yellow fruit called rasbhri that resembles a very small plum, its tart but sweet, my new favorite. I remember life can often taste the same.

Before dinner we head to YamunaJi (Holy River) the stars are piercing the sky, incense is wafting in the air and waterbirds sing a lullaby. Watching her current flow; she’s quicker than before. Like life she too seems to be speeding up. Time is passing quickly and I have work that needs to be done. I pray for guidance and time.  My partner takes my hand “tomorrow you should take the day to write your book.” God has answered again this time I’ll remember to take action.