An example of how I was able to take my reaction to a place of truth within myself

In my last blog I talked about responses being conditioned or genuine and over the last couple of weeks I’ve been doing my best to be conscious of all of my opinions and responses to people, situations and circumstances. I’ll share one with you: I had a friend who made a joke on Facebook about the Maha Mantra reminding him of another song, I found it funny but the response he invoked in others was overwhelming, some people were upset, others made derogatory comments about the ISKCON devotees who have made this mantra into a type of anthem and some like me just laughed. My friend in his own defence said he enjoyed the mantra as a spiritual practice and meant no disrespect he was just being silly which is part of what makes him so wonderful (in my humble opinion anyway). The reason I am bringing all of this up is because as my friend continued the thread on his page and he repeatedly referred to the devotees as “The Krishna’s” and each time it struck something inside of me that made me choke a little. I discussed it with him and began to understand it was because I live in Vrindavan which is the playground of Lord Krishna. His teachings and pastimes are synonymous with life there and I witness so many people who worship Krishna as their path to God yet are no way connected to ISKCON (the Hare Krishna movement) which has such a stigma attached to it here in the west and I find if anyone hears me recite the maha mantra or mention Krishna’s name they instantly think of the tambourine shaking bald headed ISKCON members dancing around and mistake me for one. Not that I have a problem with ISKCON I have friends who are part of the movement what bothers me is the judgement that is attached to being a Hare Krishna and people here in the west not realizing just because someone worships Krishna (or in my case mentions Krishna) does not mean they are part of that world. Just like is someone who worships Jesus is not necessarily Catholic, there are many branches on the tree of Christianity as well as Hinduism. For me it’s a love of studying the religions of the world, playing with their teachings, digging away and delving into the truth each one initiates in me.

Faith is faith and worship is worship, I feel everyone has to do what appeals to them or they can’t do it from a place of pure love (or Bhakti as it is known in Sanskrit). In the Hindu faith which I am surrounded by I had truth chills when I discovered that there is a belief that our creative source, God if you will allow the word, has had to take on many different forms to appeal to the many different mind sets of humankind, from Krishna to Jesus to Mohammad, it is all one, we are all one, the important thing is to find a path, whatever that may be, something that leads you closer to your divine self.

Just one example of how I was able to take my reaction to a place of truth within myself and you may be asking what did I learn? Well, I really need to stop caring about other people’s judgment of me! I  sooooo thought I was past all of that “caring what other people think” but this experiment has helped me to understand on some level I’m still seeking approval and ultimately just want to be loved and accepted by everyone, which in itself is an impossible task. So instead I am working on improving the quality of love and acceptance I have for myself which is also a task but not an impossible one…

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Does the response to the ups and downs reflect your truth?

I had a lot of response to my last blog and I'd like to thank everyone who reached out. So many of you shared your inner most thoughts with me about how you too are feeling unbalanced right now; some called it itchy feet syndrome others not knowing if they wanted to run away from or run to something. The truth is our world is shifting rapidly and for those of us who are sensitive to energy everything swirling around us can be a little overwhelming.

I had a dear friend offer me advice she said "the adventure you seek is what you live every day. How boring life would be without ups and downs and how would you move to the next step or phase in life if you did not have to struggle with decisions, dreams and goals, you are not unbalanced you are living your life..." and while I appreciate her words and agree with the simplicity of what she states I feel like what I have been trying to get across in my previous blogs may have been lost on some.

I would never expect a world without ups and downs, the unbalance comes into play when my reaction to the "ups and downs" doesn't reflect the truth of who I am. I have tasted inner peace within the eye of the storm; I'm not talking about being void of emotion but rather having genuine feelings. Stress is NOT and emotion, stress is a response creadted in the mind by an unhealthy ego. The unbalanced feeling I'm talking about is a combination of stress reaction to things that normally wouldn't ruffle me and an uneasiness somehwere deep in my core,

The adventure of everyday life is beautiful but I seek adventure beyond the everyday (that is pretty evident considering I picked up and moved to the other side of the world and live in a culture completely opposite to the one I was raised in.) I chalk it up to being a Sagittarius its part of our DNA/starseed makeup, who we are at our most authentic self. With so many changes that transpired so quickly I allowed myself to fall into a routine to please those around me and I know routine doesn't work for me. Conformity has never been my suit. I get it now that by not seeking adventure it wasn't going to present itself and being a mother now adventure will take on a different perspective so my friends advice rings true for me. Adventure can be found daily if you allow yourself to look for it and feel life as an adventure.

When I'm in touch with my heart which is my core truth it becomes easy to remain balanced; dreams and goals are obvious and nothing can deter my path, there is no struggle with decisions because they come from my soul, my heart, a centered mind. After the breakdown I spoke of in my last blog I continued to have "break throughs" and a deeper understanding that no one is responsible for my life except me, not my husband, not my child, if I want to feel balanced I need to get back in touch with my self. I know the tools that work for me yet I was using every excuse I could think of to avoid them. I could no longer hush the whsipers of my heart and a new routine has been born. I'm starting my days with conscious intention, fortunately my son already has the habit of going down with a bottle one hour after waking which affords me enough time to go on my mat or exercise in some form and have a little meditation. I've been listening to prompts when it comes to food and drinking a tonne more water. I continue to treat my pregnant body with tastey snacks but the majority of my eating habits consist of whole foods that I know nourish my body. I began connecting back to the elemental energies I've trusted thoughout my life, allowing them to guide and encourage me. During some lucid dreaming with these beautiful beings of light I was given a message "each individual must bring about integration between the spiritual self and the emotional self before there can be wholeness." I understood instantly this is exactly what I have been working through, why I have been feeling "unbalanced." I've done copious amounts of work on my spiritual side but my emotional self was often being robbed. I would disregard my own feelings sweeping them under the proverbal rug, so now when I feel like crying I allow it, when I want to scream I hold a pillow over my mounth and let er rip, whatever I need to do to feel and release I allow it knowing it is all a gateway to higher truth.

I make a point as I mentioned to make sure the emotional response is genunie and not just a conditioned or an egoic reaction to a situation or circumstance and I think it's been quite eye opening delving into what I am feeling and questioning if it is sincere or conditioned. I'm keeping track of some of my interpretations and I'll share them with you in a blog soon....


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The inner peace you seek is the balance

When I first talked about being out of balance a friend commented saying she didn’t believe balance could be obtained there would always be something to knock you off balance and the key was to be at peace in whatever was happening, her words were a reminder from one of my last temple visits in India, the deity held me in an eye dance as he whispered in my heart “the inner peace you seek is the balance.”

So I’ve been doing what I can daily to remind myself to be present, to be okay with where I am and whatever transforms for the day which isn’t always easy; I catch myself wanting something else, craving some type of adventure or longing for more, even though, if I’m being honest I don’t even know what any of that truly means. The last couple of days I have felt heavy, I’ve cried a lot, refused to change out of my night dress, heck I think I even forgot to brush my teeth yesterday, classic symptoms of depression or in my case maybe pregnancy blues. That’s right friends for those who haven’t heard baby number two is on its way and although I am in my second trimester and physically I have been feeling fabulous emotionally I’m up and down like a yoyo but deep down I know it’s more than the pregnancy.

I sat yesterday and meditated I came to some deep truth aches, two years ago I left a very comfortable life, at least from a materialistic point of view. I left because I wanted more passion, more simplicity and more adventure yet it doesn’t feel like I’ve fully accomplished this. I still feel as if something is missing there is a longing that still hasn’t been quenched yet and I can’t quite get a read what needs to be done.

After my meditation I broke down, for all that I still wish for, for all that I left behind, for the fear that still exists in my heart, for the self-loathing that continues to peer its ugly face when my ego is toxic, for missing my Husband profoundly and feeling guilty because I’m scared to go back to India until certain changes transpire, I cried because I want space, I cried because I felt I needed to, I cried because I allowed myself to release.

The haze lifted only when my beloved called repeatedly to check in on me and help me crack a smile or when my baby boy put on his comedy act. By early evening I was spent, my son and I still co-sleep so I decided to go to bed early with him praying for a good night sleep. My brain and body were drained yet sleep was eluding me I felt restless and thought about being in my husband’s arms and the comfort I believed it would bring. As I stifled a sob that threatened to consume me my son rolled across the bed, my back was to him and all of a sudden his little arms were cradling me, as he spooned me my heart broke open wider than I ever dreamed possible and I accepted everything to be as it is, or as I’ve said before it would be different.

This little angel was here to remind me that everything I long for is here in front of me. The simplicity in my life became apparent, being able to live a life where I have nothing that needs to be accomplished accept to enjoy my family, God it doesn’t get much simpler, I am so blessed. When it comes to adventure; I live between two of the most beautiful countries in the world, my husband like me loves to live spontaneously once I took a breath I realized my life is adventure. Being married to my soul mate offers unlimited passion both good and bad but that’s a whole other blog. Passion is all around me as long as I remain present and when I focus on the truths I want in my world and stay open to all the love that is around me I really have it all. 

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Finding balance in the unbalance

I’ve been finding my balance since my last blog I’ve managed to meditate a few days and I’m doing my best to take advantage of whatever pocket of time is gifted to me each day to catch my breath. I even got on my yoga mat one day and wasn’t surprised by the restrictions I felt in my body, I’ve been holding onto a lot and refusing to surrender to what is, even though I know better! Now I’m praying for more time to work through these restrictions.

So in an effort to find more balance this morning I treated myself to a chick flick. While my son played beside me I watched the movie “Eat Pray Love.” It was over five years ago when I read the book and was inspired to travel to an ashram in India. I found myself remembering that time in my life. I was so lost before I left and longing for more, more adventure, more zest, more energy, I wasn’t even sure what it was I was longing for but I couldn’t ignore it any longer so I hopped on a plane by myself and headed to a land that had repeatedly called my soul. So much happened but you’ll have to wait for my book for those details, the reason I’m even mentioning it today is because I found myself crying watching the movie remembering the balance I had found during that trip. I questioned how I had once again become so far removed from authentic self. I began slipping into a pit of disappear as the unhealthy part of my ego began a victory dance but just as I was about to succumb to the pain and self-loathing the universe reminded me of something powerful delivered by this line in the movie; “God dwells in us, as us.” I was instantly still, peace filled my veins, and instead of thinking about how much balance I had lost since returning I remembered how far I had truly come. I looked at how my life has changed and the consciousness that surrounds most of my thoughts and actions. A lot of change has transpired in my life in a very short time and although each action was a conscious decision somehow the outcomes (the now) seemed completely out of my control. I began to relax and breathe a little deeper, there is more change coming I’m being prompted daily and it’s time to give up wanting perfect control and recognize once and for all God in every minute of every day, no matter what they look like. The key is to pay attention to the prompts and follow your intuition about all decisions. I’ve been doing this so why was I still resisting what is?

I felt God’s presence around me and in me, “God dwells in us, as us” I said aloud. I felt a lightness flow into my being, love swirled around the room, my energy seemed to shift as I remembered the divine flowing through me, this earth experience ends in the blink of an eye, I want to be in it, all of it. I looked at my baby boy his big black eyes smiled up at me, his arms reached out to me and I picked him up, hugging heart to heart he began babbling sweet gibberish in my ear, and I understood this is where my balance rests, being in my day, accomplishing whatever I can whenever I can and knowing it all is happening exactly as it should or it would be happening differently. I was a mother now which means there is a little less time for “alone (or me) time” but the reward of having this little being in my life was worth being a little out of balance. 

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Out of balance

It has been to long since my last blog and I apologize for that, it is my intention to get back on track and begin posting regularly again.

My summer has been interesting; the heat in India was more intense then I remembered from last year, and with my son still waking through the night for feedings I found myself exhausted, sleeping most of my days away, aches and pains began to resume in body, I couldn’t muster the strength to make it on to my mat for a yoga asana practice and each time I did attempt it my son seemed to wake at that precise moment. I was slipping out of balance quickly. I found myself looking up at the stars wishing I could go to the roof to spend some time under them but understanding my son could wake at any moment I knew I couldn't. I wasn’t feeling any type of resentment just a longing, a longing for balance. There is opportunity to find balance; in the mornings my son wakes at five am and my father in law gladly takes him, they visit with neighbors and have a wonderful time, I could easily have used that time for meditating but my comfy bed and my husband’s warm embrace were too much to resist, I wasn’t listening to any prompts because like many people I was to drained to follow them.

In an effort to find my breath again my loving husband sent me to Canada to spend some quality time with my family. So here I am enjoying the ocean breeze, the smell of fresh cut grass and sound of seagulls and as wonderful as it has all been I still find myself in constant pain, no time for yoga or meditation and a deep longing to be in my husband’s arms in the lap of mother India. Completely out of balance.

I’ve discovered a pattern; when I’m in India after a month I begin to look forward to returning to Canada, yet after a week or two of being in Canada I long to be back in India, I just can’t seem to be content with where I am, I can’t seem to settle. I tell myself once I have a home in Canada it will be easier, it’s hard living in someone else’s space. I also tell myself in India it will be easier once we have a bigger space, once I have my own kitchen, blah blah blah, either way I’m spending way too much time in my head thinking about the future and not enough time being present.

I wonder how single moms find the time to go to the bathroom? I have so much help around me yet I still can’t find time for me. My grandmother did watch him for an hour while I had a massage the other day but I spent most of the massage chatting with the therapist who happens to be one of my close friends, when I wasn’t chatting I was fretting about my Nan trying to take care of my active son as they sat in her car outside the clinic.

So how do I find that balance, how do I achieve the inner peace I have tasted and know I’m capable of? For me the secret lays in presence, so then the question becomes; how to cultivate presence? Firstly for me I need to find time to meditate. I guess I should stop writing for today and head to quiet corner of the house while my boy naps and sit for five minutes…

Cultural differences

I’ve mentioned some cultural differences in everyday life throughout my blogs but lately I’ve been asked more and more about them, most have become such the norm for me I forget they are culturally different. So I’m trying to take notice and here I’ll explain a few;

Saying “thank you” is uncommon and unaccepted, it is thought to create distance between friends and family and simply not necessary with strangers. Now if someone goes above and beyond a thank you is appreciated but in Canada we are uber polite saying thank you to everyone for everything , some Indians would argue there is no sincerity behind it and it has just become a formality therefore has no real meaning. Each time I catch myself saying thank you here I have to stop and apologize or I get the frustrated “NO thank yous.” But when I’m in Canada I come across as rude if I forget the thank you so it’s a balancing act.

You should never touch someone with your left hand, it is considered unclean. This is the hand used for cleaning your nose (yes it is culturally acceptable to pick your nose) and also used when going to the toilet. Those who aren’t interested in the toilet differences skip ahead to the next paragraph because this is one that I find quite interesting and will discuss. Here in India (and in most of my travels in Asia) most toilets are a hole in the ground. Sounds a little archaic but in truth it’s nice porcelain just like we have for western style toilets, there are grips for  the feet and in all honesty in our home we have both styles in two different washrooms, I prefer the Indian toilet. Instead of toilet paper there is a hose or simply a small bucket used to wash yourself afterwards, like using a bidet.  I put up a resistance to this in the beginning insisting on toilet paper but now when I’m home in Canada and don’t have access to a hose I miss it and simply don’t feel as clean.

For those of you who have travelled to the Caribbean you may understand “island time” well here we have “Indian Standard Time” which translates to “nothing starts on time”. If there is an event scheduled to take place at four, you will be lucky if it begins by six. Nobody gets stressed out about time; nobody rushes to be “on time”. Shops run on a schedule but you can’t set your watch to it, what’s funny is when you head to a shop and the shopkeeper is there but sleeping, no amount of coughing or jiggling keys will wake him from his slumber, its best just to come back in a few hours. If you are invited to someone’s home you are expected to be on time although the reason for the invitation may not occur until much later.  Temples are the only things that have strict schedules a good Hindu would never be late for God! When it comes to living life in India or even just visiting you need to adapt a go with the flow attitude, it’s best to be ready on time but always relaxed in the wait, trust me whatever you are privileged to attend will be worth the wait.

More differences to blog about next week stay tuned…

This time is happening only now, this moment can never take place again

Sorry I’m late with my blog, is it just me or is life on fast forward? Everything is accelerated right now as we become more and more conscious at record speeds. This is common knowledge in the spiritual community but I feel like my life, my days, are just a blur. I’m doing my best to stay grounded and centered but I’m constantly aware of my feet and the fact that they are not so grounded, often standing on the sides of my feet rather than connecting with all four points as we are taught in our asana (mat/posture) practice in yoga. So I try to take a minute and feel the space on my heels at each side as it grounds down then the same at the top part of my foot under the big toe then under the small toe. I lift my toes and place each one back down feeling mother earth beneath me. I do what I can but then the hurricane of the day hits me which is interesting because my life is simple and not filled with many demands yet I sit on my bed each night having gotten my son to sleep and often wonder “what the heck just happened” I have to admit I’m not feeling much “balance in my soul.” Alas this is the task of my journey, so I inch along and cut out a piece of time gifted to me by my napping baby and a day of fasting so no need to head to the kitchen, ah a free hour she thinks as he stirs by my side, so I type quickly.

A lot of you asked about the head shaving ritual; this is something every Indian goes through at least once in their lives, “caste” determines what age this happens, for us it takes place within the first year. The purpose of shaving the head is simply to allow thick lustrous hair to grow in and since I undoubtedly live in the country that has the most beautiful hair by far I wasn’t going to deny this experience for my son. The majority of our family headed out towards our fathers village for this experience. It was not at all what I was expecting, I had images of us sitting by the Ganges River (known here as Ganga Ji) a soundtrack of mantras played in my head but it wasn’t really majestic at. Two car loads of us headed out of town, my husband, son and I in a seven seater that seated eleven of us on this particular day, not bad considering Indians are quite comfortable with squeezing in like sardines, but I actually had some room to maneuver so I’m not complaining. First we stopped at a beach for ritual bathing in Ganga Ji, the water was cold but filled with energy, it is known for its healing properties, I felt alive as we played in her water splashing and laughing. We then went to a temple and paid homage to the divine Goddess, behind the temple were two men squatting on the ground shaving heads of children. I watched them shave heads without changing the blade; my family was quick to source brand new blades for each of the four babes about to endure this somewhat traumatic rite of passage. My son was the last to go, my husband held him and he did great. Maybe being handled in the hospital so often during his first few months of his life has afforded him a comfort in unfamiliar maneuvers.

This week we also had his introduction to solid foods. He is just shy of six months which is when in the west it’s recommended to begin, here in India it is similar but since my son has completed his fifth month he is in his six month so the time is now. I along with two sisters and our baby’s babies went to my husband's oldest sister's home; she had prepared Kheer which is a traditional Indian sweet dish of rice, milk and sugar. My son proved himself to be a tanker, he was given his first spoon and it disappeared down his throat, his arms waved in excitement as the second spoon approached his mouth, he inhaled the food. I believe his ability to be able to “chew” and swallow the food so easily is a result result of having to take his medicine orally. He impressed all of us by devouring the entire bowl, my sister attempted to stop feeding him and he cried for more. I was concerned it would be a lot to digest but everything was pretty normal, a little more gas than usual but all in all he did incredibly well.

He’s awake now, the wind is picking up, I take a breath, plant my feet and smile for this beautiful gift…

Think of this life as a game, it would not be exciting without fear, apprehension and anxiety at times

We’ve been home in India for nearly three weeks and I’ve already changed as a mother, I’m more relaxed, I have to be, or I’ll make myself crazy. As the mother of a preemie germs were ingrained as the enemy but let’s face it I live in India and germs are a part of everyday life. I do what I can to keep him safe but the truth is it’s not up to me if something is going to get him. They say we all have cancer inside of us but it only become active in some, why is this? I’ve had to kind of adopt this mentality, I mean I don’t let him drink tap water or pick up a soother from the floor and put it back in his mouth, I still sterilize his items but when my three year old niece coughs then proceeds to put her hand on my sons face my mind wants to panic but I can’t, kids here aren’t taught about the exchange of bacteria and she doesn’t know English yet so I can’t stop her I just have to succumb. He did develop his first cold and we survived it, I think the two days were harder on me then him. He laughed and cooed per norm, he was off a little, cried more often and his little nose was packed but I did what I could; reiki continuously and held him when he needed it, he’s recovered now and stronger for it.

I’ve also noticed Indians are lot louder with babies, often raising their voice louder than the crying babies in an effort to sooth them, it does work usually but I’m still more of the gentle whisper of a sing and soft rocking style mom. I’ve given my little guy massages since he was born, this is something that is practiced normally here in India but their massage style is much more aggressive, at first was apprehensive but interestingly my son seems to enjoy it more than my normal massage technique and in my opinion Indians, especially the kids are a sturdy bunch of people so I guess there is something to be said for it.

One of the practices we have is applying Kajal on babies; basically it’s lining their eyes with what looks like black eyeliner but is an herbal concoction. It is believed to protect the child from something called bad eyes. While they’re really little we also put a black dot above their left eye, this is a practice I’ve done with him since birth. I was excited to see him with black around his eyes and I wasn’t disappointed, his beauty actually brought tears to my eyes. Some examples of bad eyes are when someone looks at your child and has bad thoughts, that’s the obvious one but also if someone thinks your child is more attractive than theirs, or if they wanted a child and could never have one they may feel some jealousy, all of these energies are depleting to the child. Many cultures have a ritual for bad eyes in fact one of the nurses at the IWK who was originally from the middle east shared hers with me, she also informed me bad eyes can even be given by a mother unintentionally.

We had our first experience on the motorcycle and at first he panicked. I had him wrapped against my body in his cuddly wrap but once the wind hit him he contorted his body and put his face against the blowing air gasping for breath. We had to pull over, we drove slowly and I did my best to keep him settled and sheltered, my heart ached for his fear as his body remained tensed against me. We reached our destination and he was asleep within minutes, recovering I suppose. He woke as we were leaving and this time on the bike he stayed snuggled down, completely relaxed, breathing quite easily, he is a quick adapter, my heart smiled.

What else is new… Oh my son is addicted to television, I swore I’d never be one of “those” mothers but who am I to judge you gotta do what you gotta do. I allow him an hour or so each day, we have great cartoons here where the heroes are actually Gods from the Hindu faith so it’s educational. I’ve caught my husband holding him and the two of them watching some action movie, this I’m not crazy about but my mother gave me the best advice when my husband first joined us in Canada and I was having a hard time not being in control of our son, she told me to let him do it his way. It may not be what I want or the way I’d do it but he’s his father and he too knows what’s best. So instead of getting upset with my hubby I simply make an excuse to distract our son with something I deem more appropriate.

We’ve also started potty training. I know my son is only five months old but in Indian culture I’m actually a little behind. You hold the baby over a toilet or pot or just outside and make noise “shhhhhhhhhhhhh, shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh” like water running and eventually they get the hint that this is time to pee. I’m assured with time he will begin crying to urinate. We have him on somewhat of a “pooping” schedule, he takes our cues and most days we are successful but of course there will be accidents and a diaper is still needed for overnight but most babes in India don’t need a diaper by the age of one. Pretty impressive considering I have friends with three year olds who are still pooping their pants…


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"Who can hope to be safe? who sufficiently cautious? Guard himself as he may, every moment's an ambush." ~ Horace

We were packing the car for a drive into the city when I asked my husband not to put items in the backseat with the baby; in case there was an accident the items potentially could fly around and hit our son. He asked me why I was always thinking negatively. I defended myself saying I was being responsible not negative. I felt justified in my response but once we got on the road I began to ponder the truth. If we truly do create the world we live in with our thoughts then isn’t my partner correct in his opinion of my thoughts creating the “unsafe” world around me? Who says it’s unsafe? Common sense…or the media tells me there is potential danger on our roads and anyone who’s ever been in a collision or lost a loved one will agree. Statistics tell us we are more likely to survive a car accident if we have a seatbelt on, something so simple can make such a difference so why ignore it?

It will be an interesting balance as we migrate back to India where the safety concerns of the West play little to no role. Families pile into cars, even onto motorcycles without hesitation. My father in-law loads the kids each morning, four of them from the age of 2 to 12 onto his and whisks them off to the corner store for candy. My husband as well takes the children for rides all the time, my friends and family gasp at this idea but I remind them I was six months old the first time my uncle put me on his motorcycle and toured me around the neighborhood, so why would I ever deny my son that experience?

I chose to have a child who could be raised partially in India because of the freedom children there still have to be kids. They roam and play without an adult constantly hovering around, they get into trouble and explore their own limits discovering them, not adopting those set by their parents.

I would roam the woods near our home as child, alone with nature, I knew to come home when the street lights came on, I had no cell phone and if my mom needed me urgently she stood in our doorway and yelled my name until I heard her, she never panicked if I didn’t come instantly. Sometimes the world I was discovering was just too intoxicating and she’d have to call my name for an hour before it would penetrate my senses and call me back to reality. Some argue the world is a different place now but I argue for every negative story you hear in the news there are one hundred wonderful events that haven’t been mentioned.

I want my son to enjoy being a child for as long as possible, and I hope my husband can continue to remind me not to put my fears on my son. I know we will find balance as our son will inevitably fall down, experience skinned knees, cry, feel fear, but I know more often he will laugh, enjoy, and marvel in shear delight at the world around him. He only gets to be a ‘kid’ for so long and that precious time of fearlessness, as we can remember, is all too short. I will use my instincts as a mother to guide him and keep him from serious harm, a safety net per say but not a bubble.



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What a beautiful thing to hold loves itself in your arms

It’s been awhile since my last blog and I apologize for that, as you know I had a precious baby boy nine weeks premature, I was warned the first three months of motherhood would be a blur, having reached that milestone I assure you it’s true and only this week have I finally come up for air.

So I guess a recap is needed; my son went to the neonatal unit and within six hours he had pulled out his ventilator and was breathing without issue, he did have a few episodes of SVT even while cuddled in my arms, it was terrifying, the monitors whaled their alarms as I sat helplessly watching his heart rate gain speed, the nurses fetched him from me and began their maneuvers, cardiology came running and everyone hovered around, tears streamed down my cheeks and once again I found comfort in my mantra. Our instincts to protect our children are inherent and we do this as best we can but this situation taught me quickly I wasn’t in control, it forced me to let go if just slightly and trust God’s plan, my son was born of me, I am gifted with the experience of mothering him but ultimately he is a child of God and his karma is his alone to work through.

The great news is within a week he was on the right dose of medication and we’ve been episode free ever since. Doctors assure me by six months of age he will simply outgrow his meds and the chances of a reoccurrence is rare.

Three days after giving birth I was released from the hospital but my son was kept behind. It was horrible, I begged the social worker for a parent room but with only eight rooms and forty sites in NICU they reserved the rooms for those who were in transition getting ready to head home or on a sadder note those undergoing palliative care, so I arrived at the hospital each morning and spent my days sitting in a chair snuggled in the recommended skin to skin (which ironically had been brought to the hospital after a team spent time on a research project in India). As I held my baby I fell deeper in love with each moment, weighing in at only 3.1lbs the warmth of my body helped him grow, I did reiki and tried to not concentrate on the monitors instead told him stories about the spiritual adventures we would embark on, I sang lullabies, read stories and dozed throughout the day with him on my chest.

He spent one week in the "intensive" unit, I arrived one morning to find his site cleared, panic hit my stomach when a nurse came towards me "great news, he’s been moved to "intermediate!" He spent another short week there, his IV came out and with that we transferred to the "transitional" unit. He came out of his incubator and was being kept now simply as a "feeder and grower" (which meant learning to breastfeed and putting on the weight needed before he could be released.) By week’s end a nurse fought to get me a parent room, he was ready to go to breast and we felt if I was there for all feeds it would take no time at all, I got to move into the hospital and within days my little guy was actively breast feeding, his feeding tube came out by the end of the week and we got to enjoy the next couple of weeks fattening him up.

Being with the NICU team for so long was a gift, their expertise and guidance helped me build my confidence as a new mother, I owe them a debt of gratitude. We were released just before my partner arrived from India after battling the Canadian Embassy for an entry visa. He was finally able to wrap his arms around his baby boy; it was a magical moment as we all let out an exhale, united as a family. We’ve been enjoying life adapting to our new roles sleeping, eating and changing poopy diapers and now just as our routine is somewhat established we are preparing for our return to India. It will be interesting to learn parenting skills from a set of women in a culture that is opposite of the one I’ve grown accustomed to, I’ll share my insights…



Thank you for your continued support