Out of balance

It has been to long since my last blog and I apologize for that, it is my intention to get back on track and begin posting regularly again.

My summer has been interesting; the heat in India was more intense then I remembered from last year, and with my son still waking through the night for feedings I found myself exhausted, sleeping most of my days away, aches and pains began to resume in body, I couldn’t muster the strength to make it on to my mat for a yoga asana practice and each time I did attempt it my son seemed to wake at that precise moment. I was slipping out of balance quickly. I found myself looking up at the stars wishing I could go to the roof to spend some time under them but understanding my son could wake at any moment I knew I couldn't. I wasn’t feeling any type of resentment just a longing, a longing for balance. There is opportunity to find balance; in the mornings my son wakes at five am and my father in law gladly takes him, they visit with neighbors and have a wonderful time, I could easily have used that time for meditating but my comfy bed and my husband’s warm embrace were too much to resist, I wasn’t listening to any prompts because like many people I was to drained to follow them.

In an effort to find my breath again my loving husband sent me to Canada to spend some quality time with my family. So here I am enjoying the ocean breeze, the smell of fresh cut grass and sound of seagulls and as wonderful as it has all been I still find myself in constant pain, no time for yoga or meditation and a deep longing to be in my husband’s arms in the lap of mother India. Completely out of balance.

I’ve discovered a pattern; when I’m in India after a month I begin to look forward to returning to Canada, yet after a week or two of being in Canada I long to be back in India, I just can’t seem to be content with where I am, I can’t seem to settle. I tell myself once I have a home in Canada it will be easier, it’s hard living in someone else’s space. I also tell myself in India it will be easier once we have a bigger space, once I have my own kitchen, blah blah blah, either way I’m spending way too much time in my head thinking about the future and not enough time being present.

I wonder how single moms find the time to go to the bathroom? I have so much help around me yet I still can’t find time for me. My grandmother did watch him for an hour while I had a massage the other day but I spent most of the massage chatting with the therapist who happens to be one of my close friends, when I wasn’t chatting I was fretting about my Nan trying to take care of my active son as they sat in her car outside the clinic.

So how do I find that balance, how do I achieve the inner peace I have tasted and know I’m capable of? For me the secret lays in presence, so then the question becomes; how to cultivate presence? Firstly for me I need to find time to meditate. I guess I should stop writing for today and head to quiet corner of the house while my boy naps and sit for five minutes…