test the water with your big toe then dive in heart first

Last September I spent three months in India, testing the water, so to speak. I had sold everything I owned, left my career, and those I loved behind, to really get my feet wet. With a return ticket, a tourist visa, and faith, I inched into the water. As I got more comfortable in the tides of change I eased my way deeper into the water and soon found myself wading into a sea of love. Up to my waste and willing to keep my heart open, despite the fear that threatened to consume me, a relationship evolved. A friend asked the perfect question during the courtship “What if he wants to move to Canada?” It helped me discover my truth; that India was where I wanted to be. I recognized the relationship could be used as a safety net but in acknowledging that fact, and knowing I was willing to stand on my own two feet, I allowed fate to work its magic.

I spent days crying, questioning; he would wipe my tears. Spent days in the excitement of falling in love and still fear crept in; he took me by the hand and showed me the monsters in my closet were an illusion. I meditated regularly and prayed.  He encouraged this (which was something foreign to me, I was used to being ridiculed for turning to “God”).  He suggested different temples for me to take comfort in and was eager to hear about my discoveries. I prayed for signs and all of them told me to open up, to ignore what society claimed was right or wrong in both our cultures.

I trusted the force that brought us together, the hard part was trusting myself, my feelings. Then I realized that’s what brought me to India in the first place! How could I stop trusting my feelings now? If I was to back away from what I was feeling just because it was new and scary, wouldn’t that make me a hypocrite? I had done the surface work of self realization but now it was (and still is) time to dive into the murky water of deep set patterning that no longer serves my highest good.

I caught myself hesitating to broach this subject in my blog, I was scared of the judgments that may accompany it (another pattern) but my family and friends encouraged me to share this important part of my journey. The quote from author Don Miguel Ruiz “Don’t waste your time taking anything personally. Whatever people say about you is just a projection of their image of you. It has nothing to do with you.” Provided me with the insight I needed (gotta love those signs!)

This time around it’s a one way ticket, an extendable visa, and of course faith. Keeping my raw heart gently beating in the moment, exposing my vulnerable side, will take work but I’m fearlessly diving into the depths, letting the current of change carry me into my future…

I lost my heart in Vrindaban

Many people ask me” Why India?” In his book “The Journey Home ~ Autobiography of an American Swami” Radhanath Swami ponders “How did I land into a life so foreign to my upbringing, but so familiar to my soul” his words mirror my feelings. Everything about India for me is new yet somehow known. From the moment I stepped foot on the soil of this sacred land there was a comfort, a peace that settled into the very core of my being.

Throughout history people who have been in pursuit of the divine have found that India is a spiritual home worth having. The first morning when I was awakened by the sound of temple bells and wafting incense, I was filled with a love that only Mother India can provide when her spiritual children find their way to her lap. I don’t know why India called my soul but I do know it captured my heart. There is a slogan from the city I’ll be living in that reads “I lost my heart in Vrindaban” but for me it was more like I found my heart in Vrindaban. The energy of this auspicious city allowed me to break down the walls I had built up around my heart and reconnect with my authentic self. With my plane ticket and visa in hand I am filled with so much gratitude knowing that next week it will officially be my new home!

No matter which way I look at it (or meditate on it) India feels right and when something feels right I for one have learned to not question it. So instead of spending my energy trying to convince those who just don’t get it, I ask that they accept it as my choice and instead of judging it, rejoice in the fact that I am living my truth. Can you imagine what kind of world this would be if people learned to trust their feelings and live by the truth of their heart instead of the conformed thought patterns which usually stem from fear based beliefs of a conditioned society?

In India where some see dirt; I see earth. Where some cry over the poverty; I recognize karma and a need to be of service. The list goes on. When friends ask what my life will be like in India I explain the beauty of moving there is in the not knowing. In my previous travels I have learned to find comfort in spontaneity so there is no daily schedule, there is no planning ahead, I will simply wake up with the temple bells, breathe in the incensed air and see what adventure the universe has in store for me…

Let the past go, it's time to move on.

So here it is…my blog. It’s amazing how nervous I feel putting my writing (and life) out here to be judged. I’m doing it for a number of reasons but mainly because of the continuous requests from family, friends and even acquaintances, I guess somehow I am living a life that intrigues them. I’m from a small province in Canada and a few years ago I was on the verge of a breakdown, to quote Oriah Mountain Dreamer “I wasn’t dead. I wasn’t alive. I was suspended in a near life experience.” Walking around in this haze I begged the universe for a sign, to point me in the right direction and like anytime I surrendered asking a higher force for help I was prompted time and time again until I finally listened. First a friend who had applied for Law school was waiting for her admission results, when I asked her what she would do if she didn’t get accepted she replied “take a trip to India” something inside me stirred. A week later I was sitting in front of the television eating a tub of ice cream feeling sorry for myself when the haunting sound of devotional chanting brought tears to my eyes, I broke down on the sofa as I let the Sanskrit mantras call to my heart. I picked up a copy of “Eat Pray Love” and as I read Elizabeth Gilbert’s story I decided right then and there I would take a few months off and travel to this sacred land. I searched online to find an ashram but was overwhelmed by the choices so again I reverted to prayer. “Umm God, I was wondering if you can help me figure out where I am supposed to go once in India?” That day I received an e-mail from a friend, it held a link to a Yoga Course. I booked my plane ticket.

This blog is not about that adventure (that adventure is in my novel which is three quarters finished and I can guarantee you’ll be the first to know when it’s being published!) This blog is my present reality as I sit in Canada anxiously awaiting my visa back into the country I am now ready to call home. It took me just shy of two years to build up the courage to leave everything especially the comforts of familiarity and move to India. After four trips East I realized I was only working to get back to the land I longed to be in. So now I am ready to go into the chaos to find my peace, join me as I chronicle my spiritual adventures (or rather misadventures) as a foreigner living in a Holy city, completely immersed in the culture, doing my best to honour my Canadian roots while quenching the thirst of my heart to live the Indian way in an effort to find balance in my soul…