test the water with your big toe then dive in heart first

Last September I spent three months in India, testing the water, so to speak. I had sold everything I owned, left my career, and those I loved behind, to really get my feet wet. With a return ticket, a tourist visa, and faith, I inched into the water. As I got more comfortable in the tides of change I eased my way deeper into the water and soon found myself wading into a sea of love. Up to my waste and willing to keep my heart open, despite the fear that threatened to consume me, a relationship evolved. A friend asked the perfect question during the courtship “What if he wants to move to Canada?” It helped me discover my truth; that India was where I wanted to be. I recognized the relationship could be used as a safety net but in acknowledging that fact, and knowing I was willing to stand on my own two feet, I allowed fate to work its magic.

I spent days crying, questioning; he would wipe my tears. Spent days in the excitement of falling in love and still fear crept in; he took me by the hand and showed me the monsters in my closet were an illusion. I meditated regularly and prayed.  He encouraged this (which was something foreign to me, I was used to being ridiculed for turning to “God”).  He suggested different temples for me to take comfort in and was eager to hear about my discoveries. I prayed for signs and all of them told me to open up, to ignore what society claimed was right or wrong in both our cultures.

I trusted the force that brought us together, the hard part was trusting myself, my feelings. Then I realized that’s what brought me to India in the first place! How could I stop trusting my feelings now? If I was to back away from what I was feeling just because it was new and scary, wouldn’t that make me a hypocrite? I had done the surface work of self realization but now it was (and still is) time to dive into the murky water of deep set patterning that no longer serves my highest good.

I caught myself hesitating to broach this subject in my blog, I was scared of the judgments that may accompany it (another pattern) but my family and friends encouraged me to share this important part of my journey. The quote from author Don Miguel Ruiz “Don’t waste your time taking anything personally. Whatever people say about you is just a projection of their image of you. It has nothing to do with you.” Provided me with the insight I needed (gotta love those signs!)

This time around it’s a one way ticket, an extendable visa, and of course faith. Keeping my raw heart gently beating in the moment, exposing my vulnerable side, will take work but I’m fearlessly diving into the depths, letting the current of change carry me into my future…